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Matthew Leffler [userpic]

36:02

February 28th, 2015 (04:41 am)

I've developed an attraction with obvious sudden death in love. So some boy I spend my time with who's living with his girlfriend....whos btw pregnant with his daughter...is kinda my number one. By day we cordially seek after each other and act as friends and 2 or 3 times a day we act like little more than friends. But at the end of the day he goes home and I am reminded of Reba's song ... "Does he love you?" and I realize I really have no dog in this hunt ... she has his kid...I seem to have his days and she gets off work and she has his nights. As she should, maybe he's just a good father?

Sadly, he's better than all the other guys in Chicago I've met, combined. He is patient, he is kind, he does not boast, he does not envy, he does not seek his own. (props to anyone who knows where I stole that from) but ... I'm building castles in the sky.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

36:01 Looking back and forward

January 17th, 2015 (12:55 am)

Fuck off Live Journal. Your so myspace you really want to fuck up peoples journals. Leave it alone. ( It took some effort to post to my own journal)

I don't really care who reads my journal, live journal is trying to promote a dead thing. My best friend finger fucked my closest to a boyfriend. I think both of them are shit, and I don't plan to see either any time as both suck. I know I'm 36 and I should speak higher learning but no fuck this...they both suck so fuck both of them. Graham is a bad horrible person and Noah is a young guy who doesn't understand repercussions and I don't think I should see him again. Its mostly because of graham, who is a serial killer kinda, but I think ... without either I'll be better off. Ya he's my friend but he's a fucking asshole. Everyone I hangout with is dull and I'm bored. I can hardly stand it...I try to do new things and they miss it every time.

I literally requested a transfer with HP today to Dallas. I don't think I can stand another year with these idiots. I'll do what I should and only talk to 30 somethings. These fuckers are retarded.

---Reread it and...thats 100% how I feel.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

35:02 I need to do this more

March 13th, 2014 (12:27 am)

So I need to step back into these comfortable shoes. I feel accomplished. I think I am better off and I have moved much further in life since I used to regularly post here. And it was the best of time and it was the worst of times...why else would I type?
I have developed a nack for wine and stay away from that beer stuff. Figure let the southerners swear and die by it. BTW ... I spend a lot of time proof reading these days my texts and holding off on Facebook posts ... its usually best to take time to process things. Lets make an agreement ( just misspelt agreement and corrected it ) that this is MY journal and you can stop reading if the language or spelling upsets you. So I want to talk or type more naturally...rapid and just flowing. That just came out in 10 seconds.

Okay...

So I see a therapist he is a good crazy fucking guy. But it seems my biggest issue is worrying what others think...what my dad thinks. what my mom thinks what will my nephews think if I do this....what will the guy at subway think. I am actually almost disabled by worry of what some think. Daniel and I refer to this as the hallway.

Under my new work's building is a maze of stores that connect to 9 or 10 other buildings. I hadn't gone down this and that hall because I was worried what people would think when I figured out they were dead ends. What would the subway guy think if I walked by him and there was no place to go? So I always stop before that. But then that was a year ago. I have to say that I think in a year I have made so much progress. Daniel and I talk about it often ... how I used to not walk down a corridor because I didn't know what was down there ... and then with my new job sending me places I have never been ... I have to go and I have to do something where I have never been.

Mike and I were codependent. I was codependent. I needed him. Then we broke up and I went through a growing pain and I specifically remember a painting class...no one was available for it after someone canceled...and I don't even recall who couldn't come and I doubt they matter these days. I went anyway. I put an apron on and I painted the worst Stary Night and drank some over priced wine with a bunch of divorced women but ... I had fun. I had fun alone. I enjoyed myself and I found I was forced to not care who was with me and I found it was time to be me.

Fast forward ... "Take me for who I am" work sends me alone to NYC ...a week I meet a boy....beautiful!!!! Honestly Grayson Squire is the hottest guy I met in 2013 and 2014 has a hard and big sweet challenge. But I went to NYC ... and what made me like Grayson ... beyond his simply beautiful physical persona was when he and I were in my hotel and he was like... you have to leave in the morning so lets fold your clothes and pack so you can sleep in. It seemed so foreign so different. I can't explain it...others will get it but when you have been around a lot of fucking assholes ... when someone helps plan for your comfort and blows your mind. Thats Chicago to me. Fucking assholes. Some of you were fun ... but I don't lose ANYTHING in saying that was more than I got in 30 million ( chi and NYC ) and so ya I paid to fly Grayson to Chicago TWICE.

And I got to say....he IS CRAZY! Not me. I stood there all the time thinking this beyond life gorgeous guy from Maine who shepard me through bars and I lost and found me on some roof top bar in Manhattan and who found me at my hotel and took me back to my hotel ... this guy was so so striking. Actually he was striking.....not by hand or something but ... you saw him...not just his outfit...it did collect your sight....but he was so fucking perfect. If someone like him...liked someone like me then suddenly nothing would ever be the same my heart would take wing and Id feel so alive if some one like you found me. Oh and Livejournal has it all focused and fucked up on him...but thats fine beyond I look like an evil troll. But thats why Live Journal sucks and lost everyone cause you could edit pics easily and they stupidly went to save disk space and now they have my text and about 100 others.
IMG_2680





















BITCHES I gotta go find him again and fix this distance!!!!?????



If someone like hinm found someone like me suddenly nothing would ever be the same!

So not sure where this was headed but I just went balls deep in text message form to Grayson and let him know I want him near.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

Matthew 35:01

August 20th, 2013 (01:37 am)

Who ever is next has to take me at my am. God knows I dont change much ... ask previous ones and know there is no where to hide...I challenge my husbands....I fight with them and I fight ..... for them to show they care. and usually we get lost in the fight.


You want to be my husband you simply have to make me feel you'll hope for the best for me. I hope I find another I can say that about. it will take some time to believe in someone else, but IF we say that and we both find ourselves loving each other...we pretty won the game. That game everyone hates cause they all fail.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

(no subject)

April 17th, 2013 (09:49 am)
Tags:

Louisville, KY USA: US, Illinois, Chicago, Cook, W Wolfram St, 966

Life is so unpredictable these days, but its refreshingly foreign to be surprised daily.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

(no subject)

March 14th, 2013 (10:36 pm)
Tags:

Louisville, KY USA: US, Illinois, Chicago, Cook, W Roscoe St, 637

Never again. Ill never text or call him again. I have a lot to throw out. But don't test me...

I have exes around whom I've told never again and it's been just that. Gotta clean and make this my house.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

(no subject)

March 14th, 2013 (10:12 pm)
Tags:

Louisville, KY USA: 41.9106,-87.6406

Mike Kuhn did what he does best today. He did what was expected and didn't communicate anything to those not there who had an interest in what he was doing.
Rather than coming home to check in on my apartment and ignore a recruiting event I had to have a friend check on my apartment. Typical. That's about my relationship, or formal failed life. A wasted time where I demanded him to say something and he got to say he wouldn't say anything till he didnt feel compelled.
I'd even note he discarded my attempts totally after sex. Any conversation was bad to him...and so oh well....I wasted time expecting more and I got the chance to gym it up and renter the dating world years after the music sucked. Luckily Chicago still plays my music.
But I feel double crossed. So now I have no connection.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

(no subject)

March 12th, 2013 (08:02 pm)
Tags:

Louisville, KY USA: 41.8951,-87.6265

Walked home kinda with the CAO tonight,after yelling at the CFO because of his bowling ability and talked up my best employee to the CTO. May have reached my lowest in love but apparently I can put on a face.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

(no subject)

March 12th, 2013 (06:33 am)
Tags:

Louisville, KY USA: US, Illinois, Chicago, Cook, N Broadway St, 3315

Gotta get back on my diet. Broke off two days ago, while I haven't gained weight I didn't lose it either. That's annoying since I ran 9 miles and biked 5 in the last 2 days.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Matthew Leffler [userpic]

51:01 Relief

March 10th, 2013 (11:12 pm)



So could say things about other guys ... but I wanna point out my biggest failure. I and Mike have completely broken all communication and agreed we wish each other the best. No more therapy...no more bowling...no more pool...no more golden girls...no more our first night...on my roof...we've decided that the bad is too much to look past at this time, possibly ... and most likely not ... cause were at this point its the end.

I'm now looking for a new love. Hoping I dont make the same mistakes...as I have always made...not telling them how much I love them and allowing them to think I hate them and thats my flaw I will have to over come and hopefully the next guy I say I love you too will know I love him cause of my everyday actions....hopefully it wont take the end of the world to show it.

So they could both read this...and to Mike: I forgive you for the little things, all of them were little things. I ask for your forgiveness for all the big things. I screwed up...and I lost the best thing in my life to ever touch me. I struggled with the break up cause I always knew you were so special and I was always so lucky. I wasnt overly lucky ... I was simply lucky that someone so wonderful and such a good match for me spent so many years with me. Even at our worst ... I never loved you less.

To my husband ... Mike didnt like how I talked about Brent. You wont hear about Brent ... you'll hear about Mike and all I can say is I found love. A love that I hope I find or have found with you. And I want to say I want you to tell me...I want you to grab my face and hold it and tell me when I've fucked up. I dont want to fuck up...I want to do better to share how I love you. I love you and I wont stop loving you. I'm actually really surprisingly slow to say I love you and if you heard it then we have a path to the end of time. Just tell me and make that eye contact. That eye contact will cause me to focus in my unfocused mind and I'll tell you that my love for you hasnt died...all I need is attention from you...and I'll always have you on my mind. Just show me you love me and I'll show you I love you.

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