I have been bouncing all over the map with his whole world without Brent. This weekend I had a couple moments distractions of affection....yeah I think we also call those hook ups. And then I made out most of Saturdaynight with a boy whom I decided to make out with....because his shirt said..."make out with me." I saw it, thought he was cute.....asked for a stick of gum by a friend...then walked up to him and surprised even myself. Too bad he ended up being a tad of a wacko. :-) Ahh...I can pick them. BUT...hey...I feel like that was a pretty bold move....which was successful which only strengthens ones resolve cause they now feel more confident. Maybe the next boy I introduce myself too will be a tad more....sane. I call him insane cause I took him home and I think he spent more time falling out of my bed and walking around my apartment naked as I sat back in bed and thought....why did I bring him home again? Heck I am just gonna sleep...I'll let him figure out his world. Then 7 hours later I dropped him off at his place and he asked if I wanted to come in...and I was like....oh no...thats alright I think I am gonna go have breakfest. Cheers!
SO....Brent. Brent Brent Brent. You know what amazed me this morning? The first thought in my head as I opened my eyes was.... Brent. Even with the stepped up distractions and the continued media black out form him I woke up with his name first in my head. Not a cigarette....not food...not I need to pee....but ....Brent. Hopefully this will resolve in some way soon. I started having this series of dreams which he isnt in but after checking on them on the net they lead me to believe that my subconcious is saying.....HEY....IT IS OVER. One site described them as ... "indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction" An addiction....yes I suppose that is about on the level of me and brent.
I did fall back recently on two things I said I wouldnt do. One. Make my dispair entry about him invisible to nonfriends...and two....wait for him to break the contact barrier. I sent him a very small email...simply an attempt to reach out if he wanted that. I just said.. "Welcome home to the USA, and if you want to talk just let me know." So...it was less of a plea, more of just a ... hey if you hate me this wont matter, and if you need a reason to talk to me...here it is.
Either way...this allhas to fucking stop. I am boring the hell out of everyone. I am just hoping that the continued high date volume, the picked up level of sex, and the passage of time and more time will eclipse this who bullshit.