Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

34:03 Ughh whoops a chapter change was forgotten

So I forgot I was on 34. Anyhow i told one of my long time drug dealing friend this tonight...(and I KNOW I already posted tonight...I hate multiple postings cause no one reads what you said before...but I want this noted) He said he'd call me when he got something...something I really dont care about ... but ... as I note in my email back to him...I see him and his self worth above what he is doing.
He siad he'll call me when he gets whatever...and he wants me to know it isnt an assy thing but it was what he does.
I replied....

"
####....it is all good. Most likely...I'll have done two things by then...and
this isnt
an assy thing...but...1. I'll be asleep. 2. I'll have hooked up with
someone. But
yeah...call....call anytime. even drunk...I realize your a hot friend I have a
crush
on....i relaize what you have to do. All honesty I think your hotter and
better
than it...and I'd rather see you or spend a night with you than in some nappy

threeway...or to get a baggie...but I know you have to do what you have to do.

Just keep in mind ... that as I sleep soon ... I'd enjoy you next to me or you
just
hanging out even if your baggie is empty. You know I've always been following

you inthe bar in some way or another and it isnt about what you have,,,more so

what you mean to me. So it is all good....call anytime...I'll answer whenever
I
can. :-) "

No I dont want drugs....i want a long time friend who is cute to know that he doesnt have to sell something for people to talk to him. And....so I go to bed.

No boys here. No one to fill the bed with other than my extra comforter...but at least i told a boy he doesnt need to sell drugs to have friend...nor does he need to sell crap to be hot. He could just be himself....but....then who does that? Dont we all have some exterrial draw we seek? Be it drugs, money, a car, stability or what have you.

what do we each advertise as something we offer? Most likely something that really isnt us. In many cases it deminishes us all...wouldnt life be so grand to find a world where we knew....


what we offered could be openingly noted? What we offered reflected our own selves? What we offered we valued and those around us saw value in????

Fucked up world we are in....cause that isnt it. I offer a life for a life. Mine for the guy I am after. And ... thart doesnt carry as much wait as the trivial things other offer. Oh well....someday....some sweet day. I'll find a boy that seeks what I offer and offers the same thing I give...which is what I seek.

oh and FYI if you look at the journal entry before this you'll note I was drining at the bar....and was drining before then evem....oh....fuck it....I drink all the time now a days....Lets play honest. I drink more than I ever thought I could. BUT...we all have our support levels....before hand I put my faith in Brent now I put it in vodka and so...I ask you to excuse my typing....as I am drunk as I am seemingly more so always at that point.) Oh what a world we live in....some seek drugs, some drinking (me) and others seek crazier things.

You know its a problem when you have a DUI trial in a bit and your still drunk on a monday and your last boy who was around sometime said he thought you drank to much. BUT ... I hurt. I am tired. I am sick. and I find that antidepressants, ADHD stimulants and a lot of vodka cool the day over. Sorry....I am weak like that. I wish i were as strong as I pretend to be ... but I am not. I'm Matthew. I love, I dream, I wish and I hide in the bottles on my counter. I've built a lot lately hiding like that and I have no plans of changing cause reality sucks and I am not really interested in it until I see someone who stands in front of me and says...I love you, I want you and I need you. Then I'll pass the bottle off and collapse into a fetal position and swear to God that he has given me all I wanted and I will need nothing more than my husbands kisses.

I'm 28 people. No matter what you think no matter how I act I am looking for something I can be oroud of and something that will last with another person. I dislike and have distaste for anything less...


Pull it together.......

We all have our downsides....we all need someone who sees us beyond those. I pray I find that person and they see beyond my presence and know why my heart cries.



Himself.
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