But I left the bar with James. The best way to show a gay boy you want him is to leave with another guy. Fucked up isnt it? So I left with James. As I blarred Judy Garland he called his drug dealer and asked me if I was intersted in what he was gonna come back with. No...honestly I am not even after him. I want the guy at the bar nathan. So I said sure...whatever....just do whatever....why..???? cause I dont even want him.
But it is all good. Nathan kissed another guy last night and we arent boyfriejds so he can do that. Tonight as our friends were around that dont seem to know...he leaned to me and whispered in my ear....You okay? I was like...I am grand..and looked him in the eyes and thought...god...I hate you...why are you so perfect yet so not good for me? I played Judy Garland - " Someone to watch over me." In my head then....
Do you know? How wonderful life could be if I found a boy who wanted me as much as I wanted him?????????????????????
So anyhow...an addition to the night. I am at home. Alone. James is off doing his deal. And Nathan is off not really understadning how I feel. So I figured this was a good song for me right now. Smile - Judy Garland. I see Brent. The one. And also...the anti-one. I see Nathan. I see David....and I see no one and so many other ones. Knowing that I have to smile...no matter how my heart feels...no matter how it has been broken...I'll get by. Throught my fear and sorrow. Tomorrrow I'll see the sun.
So...look at me. Never a trace of sadness...even thought a tear is so near....see me? Smiling? No use in crying...cause I just smile. Fuck that tear...I can fight it!!! This is the time I must keep on trying...cause a boy will come along and he will remind me ... live is still worth wild. The rest be damned.
...So y night progresses. James is back and his shit is apparently shit. I dont know. I didnt try it. But I called someone else and inquired about what I could get...and they told me they;d make a call to someone...and If I called the same someone and backed him up he could get what I was calling about. AWWWHHHH I feel like the grandfather of drug dealing in this town now. BLAH. Fuck it all. When the dealer needs your clout...there is something wrong. James is outside on the phone with his boyfriend and I am trying to ignore the idea of drugs and just get rid of james and wish I had Nathan or David.