Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

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37:09 Spun

So I kinda feel like I spun out last night and am pretty over the whole story. But as I told a boy tonight about the fight and how my two girlfriends were initially the ones in the fray and then I chased out of the bar after trouble and got in a scuff he responded .... "Your so fucking hot!" I just kinda tilted my head and thought ... okay so violence kinda turns this kinky guy on...make a mental note to hide any sharp objects if he ever visits me at home.
So lines from my drunk egotistical mouth last night were in rare witty acid tounge mode. "If you were as cute as you are loud I'd care what your saying" "No one hits me...I'm club royalty." to security last night "Oh he is just pissed cause I wont sleep with him." the responses ... well he'll just have to get over that. "Hello Judas" was wrongly aimed at a friend. It isn't a good night with out my simi-clever one liners. All in all it was a good night I was up on the box dancing and anytime I dance something must be going well. I ended the night with a quick embrace and kiss and promises of calling soon. Which I ultimately failed to do. Thats me...lots of potential, never dull and generally unable to master follow through with promises of attention. Sorry, but yeah I am capable of a lot of warmth but I have to admitt I've had a lot of trouble showing it since the break up. While I have mastered the essence of one night installments of showering another with my smile and eyes I've actually had difficulty extending myself into more. But then ... I guess if I could show more I'd be demonstrating something that Brent thinks of me ... that I didn't truely give everything of me and now its something I am holding back from others. But pitty partys and retreating into the shadows has never been anything I want to portray ... but not knowing what we could have been is most likely the saving grace that will help me weather this ... and ... more and more I am becoming bored of the bars more and more becoming bored with the boys and more and more seeing myself extending my desire at a relationship. Just have patience with me I honestly am seeking the person I can build my world around and at this point I've had such a wild misfire that I am confused and unstable with my days cause an absence is what is centered in my world. An absence I've tried to fill with friends, work, cats, boys and anything I thought might hold the gravity of what I lost.
So in the house next door my landlord owns ... he lives there and his lover James who is a friend and James's little brother. I've hung out with Craig a couple few or more times and we talk when we see one another. I found out today that yesturday about 2pm they discovered that craig had hung himself next door. So obviously its been a tad morbid and everytime James has called I've taken the call and told the ones I was around that I had to go talk. Thats just wildly a horrible thing to have happening next door. What a horrific way to take ones life? I mean ... I'm a coward, I'd do it in such a more gentle way...I'd also be worried about those around me and I wouldnt leave myself to be found by my family. But then ... I also love life and living far to much to let go of it. I have too much to do still. Some believe that suicide is an automatic ticket to hell. But I dont. I cant accept that. People who hurt to that degree if anyone ever needs it ... they need love and if God is about love then I can't see him denying it when they gave up because of a desire to feel that love. So I hope Craig finds what he felt he didnt have on earth. We all fail. We all hurt. We all need to be held now and then ... and that seems to me what a God needs to be, someone to hold ya.
And this is still an oddity in me. "My love is deeper"-Randy Travis. Deeper than the hollar and higher than the pine trees. To those I love I'd do anything I could. Not as grand as some songs but fitting into this one ... just common and methodical but ... always there. Hell last weekend I felt let down by a few but even in Greg's case ... I know I'd still try to be there if any of them needed me. Thats that whole Leo loyalty I suppose.
One can only try to live from day to day and avoid empty fears and while we try not to give ourselves away ... the heart wont lie. Thats what I try to look for ... their inner self beyond the common short comings and missteps that may turn away some. But then I know that I should be tossed aside by so many but luckily ... those misjudgements arent whats in my heart. I'm human ... your human. We all grieve and react in different ways. It is those proactive moments when we step ahead and do something in interaction with others when we demonstrate who we really are...little things, are often the biggest things. Holding the door. Calling someone just to talk with out any plans of what you want to discuss ... just to hear the others voice. You know what I am talking about? I dont know if I am expressing myself well or not. BUT I guess I mean, how often are you nice and respectful to someone who doesnt deserve it? I need to work on that I think...I have the compassion when they're a stranger but more and more I see my interactions with others as reserved moments attempting to protect my own interests. I dont like that. I think out of this entry I have typed myself into a realization that I wanna try to be a tad bit more uplifting to those I collide with in life. Sure ... dont let yourself be walked on but dont allow your hurt in one aspect infiltrate your expressions with others.
I have been cultivating on my crush sphere. I'll shut up about that and wait till something is worth reporting.
My old old friend Robert is up from Florida and is crashing in the extra bedroom right now. We had a low key night of sitting here at home watching DVDs and baking cookies. Ahhh....the times we two had. :-)
So little else to say. My neck hurts and its keeping me awake.

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