Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

38:07 Just keeping touch

So anyhow I did a good job of holding the line until this past saturday. Life is so good and so beautiful in so many ways for me that I think it is really pathetic that I act out in a manner that shows me slowly losing control. 2006 in my mind is going to be one of a welcomed end though. Still months and months later I explain to hopefull suiters that I am not over my ex Brent. My mourning of him is approaching the same time limit of us being together.
As you can see by my past journal entries I've made it normal life to try to drown the absence of him in my life with vodka and antidepressents and sex. See ... lets just be honest. I mean...I have been doing my job but the second I hit those exit doors all responsiblity has been shaved off. Last week I stayed in most of the week...this has actually been the longest time frame I have been home alone since I lost Brent. Part of me also asks why am I reacting this way to him? It isnt like I havent lost a boy before? But ... I guess for the first time this was different to me. i thought we had something longer than just today. Maybe I have put off accepting that I have no one next to me...I dont have the one that I had planned to have next to me...I maybe tried to hide that from myself with everything I could find...add some random boy to my bed, drop a couple pills, wash it down with a half a bottle of vodka and yes...you can sleep.
But I held the line on that well. But then I guess the first saturday night for me out and getting drunk weakened my dam of emotions and it split hard saturday night. Just look at the postings that I made on Oct 9 and Oct 10. Honestly I was too drunk to remember typing them. I was too drunk to remember calling David 6 times on saturday night telling him I didnt want to see him again, I was too drunk to remember emailing a hateful message to Brent, I was too drunk to recall calling robert and ron who both live out of state and telling them that everyone has let me down recently and they havent only because I no longer rely on them but if they were here they'd have let me down too. Robert called back the next day and told me I sounded suicidal. Then the next day David told me that I had changed my voice mail greeting to say "If you arent priveledged enough to have your number in my contact list...fuck off." which I dont remember redoing. Brent even replied to my message and when I saw it I thought...oh my god...he has messaged me ... I even called David and said I have an unsolicited message from brent...and I thought...he must be finally missing me, I need to drive str8 down to his house and hold him and kiss him and tell him no matter what happens in life we can make it....then I opened it. And it was in response to that message I dont remember sending...it was in response to me in my worst moment ... in the moment I hated everything and everyone. So much rage...destroys so much good. I try to improve and then I lost it with the grandmother cancer thing. Some reason I secretly blame myself for not letting her know how much more important she is to me than so much else I have spent time on in this life. How she was the mentor I should have watched, how she accepted me being gay and my grandfather and her insisted that I bring my bf to family events cause "he is part of the family you know" as my grandfather said. How they could provide me such overwhelming support and how I could let them down in showing that love in return.
That all poured in on saturday and meet with a mix of arrogance and ignorance. I explained to brent that I am madly in love with him still. I am also extremely embarrased that I contacted him that night. Cause that doesnt serve me any good. I want him to think I have grown, I showed him that I was closing into crashing into the ground. I've hurt friendships lately, I've walked away form relationships, I've undercut my families love and I've spent money in a completely idiotic way and shown the only control I have on my life is when I enter the doors at Norton.
I have a dui, spent 73 dollars saturday at the liquor store and still managed to spend another 40 at the bar and I am drinking now and I have three perscriptions I take a day and my 40K a year job's bank account is already overdrawn just days after I was paid and I have embarrassed myself before the one that I so long for...the one I think...back when he and I dated I was happy to stay at home and just cuddle with him...and now I feel I have to throw myself out there to avoid sleeping alone and I make an ass of myself. I am a strong person but a person who lost all his ego and ambition when I saw Brent...all I wanted was to be in his light. And as that source disappeared I found myself in a dark corner and I have been trying to cover the fact that for the first time in my life I gave up every inhibition except for fear for this boy. Why do I mention fear? Cause that is what I then acted upon with him. I was affraid..I invested so much in this marvelous guy and I pushed things to self destruction by worrying so horribly that we wouldnt last. A self fullfilling prophecy. If you believe it, you'll make it happen. And I did. And now after all is done I still make an ass of myself.
I just need to do the following things to get out of this...focus on family. Stop caring if those at the bar know who I am, and stop throwing vodka down my throat like it was the end all cure. ( Course that would require me to stop drinking at this moment which I am not ready to do ). Whitney Houston " I dont like to think I am an addict. I'd like to think of it as a bad habit" Hey...realizing is half the battle. I plan to avoid connections for sometime. I seem to melt down there and I do so much better away from that place...I dont know why I can blame it on one place but I know I walk up stairs to in the DOC and I walk over to the corner Brent and I first kissed and I drink to it...maybe if I avoid that I can heal and I can move forward and not make the same mistakes with someone else. I am a mess ... I am just so perfect if he would be next to me...but with out the support that I relied upon I lean and fall ever few steps.
I need to learn to walk again with out him. Cause he hasnt expressed any interest in touching me, he hasnt expressed any interest in seeing me. I love him, and he denies that he ever loved me. So horrific to me. The one you thought the most of life in ... doesnt say he thinks of you at all.
See...the Brent factor fills my cup and the grandmother issue over flows the issue. I try to hide it with vodka and I only hide it from myself cause everyone else can see it.

BUT ... I am going out less. I am avoiding the place I have issues at and associate with my ex. I am planning to spend more time with my grandmother and to tell her about the things I've said her about hanging out with her. And I told my doctor and he added paxil to my regiment. So...I wake up I pop 36mg of concerta, and 150 mg of wellbutrin...then half into the day I take another 150mg of wellbutrin and at bed I drop 20 mg of paxil and go to bed. It actually is helping. seriously..the paxil has really forced me to be postive alot more. I talked to david and ever idea he had with his first date with some boy i was like....phenomenal!!! yes yes...you will do great. But thats also how I want to be...course I wanna throw up all the time now but...at least when I yawn it feels good. When I talk a person I cant stop smiling and I cant really feel too too bad.
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