Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

I tied to say this to him and myspace didnt take it

and it didnt go through but I said ... "read to the song Shania Twain - It only hurts when I'm dreaming "

[04:00] horizonmll: listening to country which i never listened too until I met him'
[04:00] xxxx: lol what's wrong with country? i listen to country and in fact i am now :P
[04:01] xxxx: you really shouldn't listen to country if you don't like it, like if your only doing it bc you miss him
[04:04] horizonmll: it just speaks to me cause i miss him. The heart wont lie - reba It only hurts when I'm breathing - shania, my love is deeper randy travis, forever and ever, amen randy travis, now that I've found you - allsion krauss these all make me feel good. also If you see him, if you see her - reba sums up me right now. I am kinda a lost soul with out him

Greg told me that you were supposed to come up last weekend.

I hope to see you. I want to see you. If I see you ... I'll tell you to be happy and that I love you. If your at the bar with another boy I'll tell him to take care of my baby.

I've screwed up so much with you. I've made an ass and a fool of myself with all that you offered me and I've acted out in rage and I've forgotten why you still speak to me and I've ignored that you still control my emotions and I've disrespected the Love I have for you and I didnt and dont deserve to know you and I am so much a better person for having known you and for having had you touched my life.

Its okay. It is fine that we dont feel the same. But ... I havent seen your eyes since early May and I've not seen a pair of eyes which have drawn everything out of me since I saw your eyes. No lips have made me hunger for a kiss and no arms have made me feel so comfortable and safe.

So ... even if I see you and I am not with you I hope to show you that I consider you to be the best thing to have entered my life. The fact I love my family and they all loved you. The idea that I was happy to stay home on a saturday night next to you. I hate that I wasn't all that you were to me. I cant fix that. I can only attempt to mourn it and I can only attempt to save face and move on.

Last weekend I proved two things. One ... your in every step I take your in every thought I have and your in every dream I see when I find sleep. Two ... without you I am a mess waiting for something to set me off.

Funny ... my friend Joey Norris was made at me for hitting on his ex bf jordan and so he told me you two had had sex. I went home and sent him an email telling him it pissed me off that he'd even compare me and you to him and his and how everyone could have jordan and how he'd never have someone as great as you. Since then we havent talked. But I feel good. Cause I defended the relationship we had cause I see it as rocky and stormy due to your newness to the whole idea of dating a boy and due to my insecurity standing next to you. I still look at myself when I dated you and I think what a loser. How could you have ever thought he'd come home to you? And I dont say this wanting you to come back to me ... even though that would totally complete me ... I just want you to know that ...

I act like an idiot now a days cause I have dated 9 guys and the last one totally consumes me still. Tonight two guys hit on me at Q and tonight I told two guys I am still in love with one guy and it isnt worth us continuing that line of discussion. Someday i know I will be able to have a relationship but for the first time in my life months later after I lost a guy I still cant see myself in love with someone else. I know that time will heal but till then ... I go through the smiles and motions of everyday life and I am fullfilled in all aspects of life expect for the aspect of life that you filled and in that spot I try to cover the void.

Point being ... someday I hope you consider a second chance. And in the short term if you feel like friendship I'll meet you half way and be glad just to speak to you. And if you want to come to the bar I'll just be glad to look at you and say ... it is good to see you.

You changed me more than I changed you. You made me better when I thought I'd teach you. You taught me. And ... I am looking forward to the time when I get to look at your eyes and say ... it is good to see you.
I dont want you to think I am expecting life to be what it was...mostly cause it wasnt fair to you in the first place. But I want you to know that I desire you, I look up to you...and I hope the best for you.
You've taken such a hard line aginst me. :-) But I still think back to when I looked at you and saw your eyes and I know you say your a different person but I also know...that I always knew you were a different person than me and that was what drew me to you so strongly...and so...its all good.It is fine if I never kiss you again. It is fine if we never touch each other again. You made me a better person for the next person and you made me more vulnerable and I needed that. You made me want to be better and you helped me become a better person. I just hope someday we can run into each other and I can see those eyes that I once dove into and loved.
Now have a good day and I apologize for my weakness. You always have been my weakness...in a good way.

*************************************************

Yes I know I have posted two messages within just hours with in the same day. But I just had such a wild addition to the words in my head that I felt like pouring myself into this journal.

A few things I have learned in life. One...brent is most likely over me and I'll move on from this and I'll always hold him in reverrence and as a saint in my love life just as Derrick and others have been placed. I'll grow and I'll over come and I am quickly realizing that I have some changes I need to make in life. Cause ... I need to prepare myself for what I am after. Can you guess what I need the most these days? Can you see the motivation for success in Matt Leffler? Do you understand what I am lacking?

and the end of the converation that i used to start this... ( notice the time stamp compared to the first one )
[05:55] xxxx: yea well the shitty thing was after he left all the security i had i didn't and i felt lost and like stuck like i couldn't make any more advances in my life without him because he helped me make all my other ones
[05:56] horizonmll: wow....sounds like me.:-)
[05:56] horizonmll: only....he put back the hope i had lost in so long of being out and reminded me of what also is good in others.
[05:57] horizonmll: say i went too far into thinking of being out....and he brought me back to normal life. oh wells....
[05:58] horizonmll: i need to get off of here soon and finish my wine and hit the bed and find a new day....
[05:58] xxxx: yea it's 6am i gotta be up for work today ;) but i don't want to crash yet i'm enjoying talking wit hyou
[05:59] horizonmll: :-) well...i have nothing to do tomorrow but attempt to stay in bed as long as i can stand it....so...bring it on.
[05:59] xxxx: lol yea i say taht now and in 20 mins i'll be like let me sleep for the love god i'm so tired! lol
[06:01] horizonmll: hey...then in 20 minutes....go! Remember ... at this point I only have work to get up for...and I dont work for 7 days so I have no reason to sleep and no reason to get up. So you are the one that has to put the brakes on our discussion
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