Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

38:10 okay..so this is ME

to understand my despair in life you need to click follow this url: http://horizonmll.com/mattnow.mp3


I have dated so many people......and still just one can cut to the core of me and ever day i wake up i hurt and ever day i pop a paxil, wellbutrin, concerta all in an attempt to fake a smile and to avooid the feeling i have to kill myself cause for the first time in my life i want someone else other than me more than i can stand and he doesnt want me and months and months later i still cant find the strength to move on. God has to be teaching me what it is like to Love and to deisre and not to have.......but why? Why teach this lesson? Sure teach the idea of never ending love to a person who never loved....but ever day he holds me in comtempt and he seems to hold me in trial. Look into my journal I dont baby cry like this....I get over people in my journal....but....I am still no more over Brent than I was on the day I last touched his sweet lips. I am stretched to my limits. I am attempting to pull past a flood of my stuff, I am trying to find a way past my grandmothers cancer and I am trying to find a window past losening the ONE in my mind...but in all honesty ... I am scared. I see things and think of things I shouldnt. honestly I saw a concrete pillar at work and thought...hmm...you could easily hang yourself on that. I was shocked that that came to my mind. it seemed weird...it was foreign but it also seemed an escape. And I hope for more than what I get. I know that we all face things for a reason but in all honesty if my breaking point was a 50 point scale I am a 42. Swear I have thought this out. And right now...I am a 40. Two more, just two more points and I will fall over the edge. I cant believe I fell for a boy I cant get over who doesnt want anything to do with me. what is the reason to continue? Seriously ... what find a boy who will not last another 6 months and pick back up from that? I am getting tired...I am getting over it. I havent touched HIS lips... and I still thirst for his kiss. I am on as many anti depressanents as medicine allows and I am still searching for the answer. ( and no it isnt GOD ) the answer is HIM or someone else who wil rescue me....otherwise....there isnt an answer.
Do me a favor and consider 38:10 my living will. Number One...Dont put me on life support...let me go. Number Two...dad...I want you and Janet to take care of my cats Cleo and Adolf like you would your own children. Your the best home I can imagine to keep the two I raised from kittens. Number three...cremate me and sprinkle me into ANY body of water and just know that water gives life and I want to be part of that process. Finally everything I own is to go to Brian my brother so that he can have a small gift in being on his own. Now lets get this straight...I am not killing myself...I am just saying if anything happens this is what I want.

Dont worry...tomorrow with the help of 20 mg of paxil and 36 mg of concerta and 300 mg of wellbutrin I will get up....just more and more it seems later and later into the day as I wake up at 6pm and declare that there is no reason to be awake. I have no need for food. In the past week I wieghed 165 pounds at the doctors and I weight 153 now. I have seriously only wanted to eat 2 and maybe a half meals in a week. I am just not hungry. I also have lost desire for sex and I could care less if i smoked a cigarette. all I want is to feel what I once felt, and that person responsible isnt interested. Since he left me I have lost 30 pounds with no real work and I have continued to lose my will to get up each day. At this hour and I try to sleep and sleep until I can find a reason to get out of bed. At this point ... David and Derrick really are the only reason why I get out of bed.
But wait! I want it known that Craig hanging himself two weeks ago next door has taught me something...no matter how you hurt you could hurt more than just yourself. I hugged James this weekend as we discussed the last time I saw his brother. I saw how destructive a life missed could be to an another. As I hugged james I thought in my mind I can see why craig did it. And I can so see why no one should do that. God will take us when he wants. Taking ourselves when we want is selfish and pays no attention to the ones we love. We all have heartache. But the end result is ... how much more god? When will this lesson end? When will I find a knight to save me from despair?
If you ... the person reading this ... become the one I fall for next. Know ... that I have learned a lot in life. I learned in this latest lesson ... to hold the ONE who hold the key to my heart as close as possible...never let him leave thinking I love him anything less than everything and never let the sun set on an arguement.
I am 50% sane....to the point I just searched for my long time old friend Jimmy Ausbrooks in the whitepages but I cant find him in Tennessee and I am still debating driving down to attempt to find him...
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