Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

silently the sense abondan their senses

I continue on my journey to find the guy I can sleep next too and to hang out with at the bars. But the truth isnt what I want to see. The boy I claim to want to date...the boy I found who said he was leaving the bar weeks ago...who I grabbed my mutual friend and ask are you dating him...he said no. I grabbed a writting utensile and jogged after that cute guy and traded numbers with him and he told me I was too young for him...but still gave me his number. Then the next time we saw one another he invited me out to his car to drink together, I passed cause he had already shot me down. And then each night since then he has come up to me to say hello and each night I have told the people around me I like that guy. But aside from him there is another guy ... who I enjoy time with who asked me tonight if what happened between us was just between us. Sure. He is beautiful. But he is so cautious that it signals he isnt interested.
Tonight the first came came up and said hello as he does. We played darts as we do. He beat me as he does. And I told him that some day I shall beat him and he made a sexual induendo...and I melted as I do. I lost thought...I lost come back power...and I simply could only say ... "You're my downfall."
I told him I will not be out the next few nights but I'll be trying to beat him...and we should hangout as friends...and he didnt object...but he made his line. The end result. I want more than he offers just as I want the same from anyone who claims to not want me. But ... in his company I feel enjoyment. You see to get over Brent I have to climb a mountain. I have to find myself in a good light in the eyes of someone who says they are not after me ... cause then I'll feel important. Attack the beast...kill it and over come the one who holds me back. That one...is me. Cause then I'll be able to say this one didnt want me at first and then this one realized I was a good one to be with. It is in a werid way vendication. But it isnt all about the ex. It is also simply about seeking a guy who said once I wasnt his all...and then I was. Aaron. A cute guy ... who most likely will be simply yet another desire on my part who didnt over come my defenses...who may have been the guy I could kiss each night but like the rest never grapplied with the idea his biggest compitetion was me. I am after all the one who holds myself back the most. You see...if you want to date me, it is ME that is your biggest adversary. I stop myself and I destroy myself more than anyone around. I am the monster that holds myself back the most and while I am the one looking to be saved I am also seeking someone who can save me from ... myself.
Seriously. He actually has a harder task than one would see. He has to claim me, make me feel important and then accept the gift of my attention. "I'd be happy to die for what angel had someone to live for...unafriad to say "I love you." and the idea that love isnt not possible to find until one loves themselves." Aaron will most likely fail that...just as so many do. But he seems so awesome...I hope to hang out with him and to make him a close friend. It is after all my friends I expect the least from and find the most from. I get by with alittle help from my friends is more than a beattles line to me. It is the reason for me.
See ... I look. I kiss and I seek to find what I can when I stop trying to escape my pain. I am 28. And I am just as far into love and life as a 19 yr old. I live a lie. I pretend to survive. And I attempt to crawl forward as I really throw road blocks into my way.
Point being ... Aaron is in the same position as Brent followed by Tony, then by Nathan then by Jordan then by Jay and Brandon.
What will win Matt Leffler? Someone I have had to work for who ends up picking me...and then showing that I am the one they want. That last item is hard to find...someone who will say ... Him. Thats the one I want. You see it is easy to find people who want you when nothing holds you together but the one I WANT will say I want him when there isnt any reason to hold me. When he claims me in those circumstances I'll hold him back. But thats a tall order. A person who will survive obstacles with no reason and still seek beyond that to say to others that one...that one is the one I want.
He takes me. I'll hold him and we shall teach the world what can happen when two people find something that only those two see. I'll cover you..oh lover, I'll cover you.
I am pasted the games of make believe. These are at an end. If and when is no use ... I am seeking the one who will feel the raging fire that shall over come us. See ... I am at the final threshold. And ... that is my biggest obstacle. The reason I am single. The reason I havent settled upon a new one, I need the one who hardly knows the reason why and ... still we have decided. One for the other, the other for the one.
No going back now...passionate play is everwhere...but the idea of right and wrong should be tossed aside, ... when the blood begins to race, when the flames of us at least consume us. The bridge must be crossed and we shall watch it burn. But ... that is a tall order. Who gives his all with nothing in his past to prove I'll share with him one love and one life time. we have to lead one another and we shall have to say we want the other near each other, thats all I ask of him.


Say you'll want me share with me one love one life time. Lead me, save me from myself. Say you want me with you here beside you...and anywhere you go let me go too. Thats all I ask of you.

And thats why I stay single.
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