Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

Weary Suicidals Suck

If heaven were a tear it would be my last one. I know I have a seperate journal for negative publicity cause I try to portray what I think is best here. I got some quiet news tonight. I needed to hear it, I am glad I heard it. Which makes my reaction stupid cause people will not pass on stuff to me if I react like a stupid pathetic person. But I asked ... Did he know if I was there? Was he worried I would be there? The person responded with "I didnt mention you he didnt mention you." And then as a true friend he said if you want me to I will, but it wont help you. I told him I knew that. I know that. I am just glad I wasnt there. Cause he had to of walked in thinking...god I hope he isnt here...and then as the night went on he had to have thought...hmm...he isnt here. Where is he? I mean...we all know Matt is a superficial bar fly why isnt he here? But he wants nothing to do with me and it is best I was silently absent. It demonstrated something I am incapbile of showing in person. Getting over someone when they walked away.
Being strong is not losing your self control. And I know that if I saw him the first encounter would have been prestige and classy. My dad has even talked to me on him. "Be classy...thats all you can be." Such a smart man. He was classy when he lost someone who he married for 20 years, my mother. She made a the decision at the time which she felt was best for her ... in my mind, I've never been asked but I know ... you find someone ... and you find their faults but when you find someone who knows you and accepts you and is still classy he is special. But a relationship is so much. So hard. So a comprimise. Mine wasnt. I'm not. She did what she felt was best for her and we all have to decide someday to find what we need. Kinda like my grandmother. See there are deep dark secrets in my family and we never talk about them but some judge my grandmother and she once looked me in the eye and told me something that some day I hope I can say..." Matt, I made mistakes. But I did the best I could and what I thought was right." Devoted to the end. Old world but classic. She is nothing less than a person I'd be proud to be like. We all make mistakes...I have, my dad has, my mother has, my grandmother openly admitts she has ... I BTW am a total failure in demonstrating my feelings for those I love, my total admiration my respect and my awe that I owe. The greatest debt I have never filled.
I told my friend who told me that he saw Brent out that he should never mention me. That a friend doesnt ask you to do that and that I'd never ask him to do that. He was like...thanks cause that would force me to choose. And I told him ... if you ever find yourself forced to choose ... never choose the one who forced you. I told him if I did that I'd be the monster Brent has rationalized me as and I'd have validated him and pushed others close to me away. I've lost stuff before and I've gone past that. I'll do it again, just I am still not able too at this point.
See ... I dont easily or regularly give the whole of me to anyone and to him ... well ... just look at me. He had me all. And he rejected it for this or that reason and still he had a reason and it sinks against the core of me. I hope to be someone's all, I hope to have someone who is my all. I dont sit at home dieing over what I lost I put myself out there prematurely and I run from those who want me and I seek those who dont. It keeps me safe.
The bagage still exists. So for a guy who trusts so few ... giving it all to one person who rejected ... it hurts. It destroys. But then ... just look around me at these people??? These people who should make it my all.
I'm not on with my life even though it goes on without me. Which is why my storms drown me. When your still worried about something else it is SO easy to not care about the present current issue. The water rises and I think ... oh well ... it never really went down. Why save yourself from the floods? Your feel so inwradly bad... But reality shows that it has, the water has risen ... and that I could be above it ... but I sit at the waters edge and find each tide to be a struggle. I fall back on others and others have to get tired holding you above the tide.
And thats when you feel pathetic. When you wonder if your a friend or if your a burden? And thats when you listen to music that tells you that you shouldnt hurt them and you cant hold back your friends. A friend wouldnt do that. So what are you? What am I? A burden? No one says that ... but I feel and would argue with them that I have been.
And you ask if I am a burden then I should if I really want to be a friend to stop the burden they feel. Your choices then are 3. 1. Get over it. Which you havent and seem not to be able too. 2. Distance yourself to allow them to find new friends so they are shielded from the agony of a depressing soul such as yourself. - But then ... these are the ones you wake up for ... these are the only reason you continue. Your grandmother enters your mind and how she did the best she could ... why cant you? 3. You take the line craig took. You hang yourself ... you end your pain and you think your not a burden anymore. And then you don't know that it really hurts them so. James and I sat together and he showed me the last myspace message he got from his brother " I think heaven beacons " and then after james shows you it he starts to cry. I've never seen James cry. And you realize how your actions lay hard on those you left and how the burden you tried to escape becomes a greater burden on them. I looked at James. I heard him crying. I wanted to hold him and explain it wasnt was just Craig wanted to not hurt. And Craig probably didnt realize the hurt that would follow. I read the message and I remembered how craig hung himself just 30 feet from my apartment. And then as I type my cats climb into my lap and I wonder who could I respect thier happiness and their lives as much as me. Who could stop James's tears? Only Craig. Anb he is dead now. I sit and I feel mad at Craig. Why would he hurt those so close to him and then I see myself and I think what a stupid person I am. How could I hurt those around me? Could a suicide become a dimino effect? Can you allow others to hurt and feel the pain you feel? If your pain is so grave ... and you love those around you ... what kind of asshole passes it on? Not me. Sure I have debated it ... but I see so many reasons to not ever do that. These reasons are the people in my journal.
The idea of reaching the top of your life and losing it hurts. And hey you may over come it and you may never. But even if you dont over come it if You love those near you. You dont pass your hurt to them. You have to rise to the occassion. I have too. Not so secretly here is my life. I have basically everything anyone could want. I have my cats ... extremely devoted to my attention ... I have the close friends who you can barely destinguish romance love form and parental or peer love for ... and I have a great job with a life full of possiblities. But then I did climbed that mountain. So few in my opinion have. So few have felt and seen what I saw. I honestly hadnt before apparently. Lets through in some honesty explain me. From like 22 to 27 I did drugs and I was a mess...course now I am not. I have to give that to Brent. He didnt so I couldnt. I didnt want to see him and be on something cause he was so beatiful to me and I had so much to show. I owe him that and that is probably the single biggest thing that I owe respect to him. Others never beat years of abuse but just the idea of this boys kiss allowed and still helps me pass up what is offered. Temptation is offered readily ... and over a year of no horrible shit ... which made a superficial happiness reminds me that at least for awhile...the chemical high I possible without.
I reached the step where you found someone you wanted above all. And I lost it. And so few have that and so few can understand the lose of it. Brent apparently didnt climb as high as I did. And thats why he doesnt feel or see what I did. But it isnt his fault, it is life it is KARMA it is just me here on top seeing the mountain crumble. And I lay my arm on basically David and Derrick and I show my despair and my ignorant pride by leaning on them so hard that I become aware of myself as a burden and I bounce back from killing their burden cause I see the hurt James feels by such an action and I resolve to see it through. I see the monetary burden I am to my mother and I see that with my father and I sit and think what a failure? Why didnt they drown you when you were young? Did they know how much trouble you were going to be? And I think ... see they could also gain from an end to the burden.
David doesnt read my journal. I am lucky. Derrick does occassionally. So if he is reading this. Derrick. (and to these few others if you read this) I love you. I love you beyond your recognition of this fact. I'd do anything for you and I'd only hope for your happiness. I feel good, I feel joy in your happiness. Shane and you is all and was all about you having what you wanted and that ... simply seeing you happy makes me feel better. I'd rather at this point see you happy than me. I am not saying your not strong. I'm saying you are wonderful. I am blessed by knowing you. But it seems recently I feel a bit more pain than you all and just cause of those near me I can take it. I can carry this and it is because of you. I am not religious but I know that karma, fate none of these can explain the luck I had in knowing you ... in loving you ... in seeing your smile. There has to be a higher power when you receive the gift of someone like the two of you. Brent also taught me that. While he may not want me anymore, only an intervention by God could have brought someone like him into my life. Someone like you all. I didnt get an angel, I got many. And ... then I sit depressed and I realize that I just admitted God has brought several people into my life that I could have never explained.
So I lost Brent. So we broke up Derrick. So David has always been the one just beyond my reach. I am a lucky man for having touched any of the three! So how stupid could I be to ignore these blessings?
Well I am Matt Leffler. Full of pride and I pride myself in knowing the secret ... that I've been touched by not one but many people I could never regret knowing. These people whom I could have never lived without. Oh what an ass I am. My father is classy...he taught me this valuable lesson. My mother is devoted to those who came from her. No matter how they fall, no matter how they fail ... they know your still there. My Grandmother did the best she could. Damn ... thats 6 people. Six reasons to be the best person I could be. I love them all ... and I couldnt imagine life with out them all. Mom, Dad, Grandma, David, Derrick and Brent. ( in the order I saw them )
So ... thank you. I owe each of you all of me. I cry ... I hurt ... and I know that I have so many reasons to be joyful and I hate that I am not what I should be. I should ... I want to be ...

The one your proud of and the one who has it all together. I want to be the one who you can rely on. I want to be your biggest fan. I dont want to be the burden and I dont want to be the one who looks so sad. I love you all. I am sorry, and I still each day try to be better. I know the gift I have. And I am such an idiot for not showing it better. Without you all ... I would be Craig, someone resigning from the game of life...but I cant accept not knowing what could have been and not paying the respect for what is.

So addition to my rant. I called tonight Derrick, David, and now my mother ... and I'll save my dad cause my mom remided me normal people sleep at this hour...But I just feel better knowing I called her, she answered ... ( little groggy ) but I told her I loved her. I love all I mentioned. And I owe them all more than I could ever give.

If you ever feel bad. If you ever are in need. If you just need someone...I owe you all beyond you understand until you've been to the point I have (which I hope you never find the place I have) but point being ... look to me ... and I'll do my best to remind you how wonderful you are and how much I need you and want to be needed.

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