Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

How to save a life.

So I admitt some people dont give a thought to my mind frame.  Thus few would download this song 

But then this journal has been about my feelings and less about what others want to read.  So ... no offense but ... this is me!  If you want to know me then here you go, if you think you know me then just go on with your dillusion and the rest can find someone else who has posted some stupid survey about what they like to eat.

Listen to the song for this to make sense. Otherwise...I really dont care.  Like I said this is for me.  Red is the song.  Black is me.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came  We may have argued a lot cause we had such different thoughts about the world.  We did argue.  Tonight I had dinner with a cute guy I have held far enough away that I felt safe but tonight we had dinner together.  He is a cute special guy but for months we've never done much outside of my place.  He isnt out.  I am not ready.  Two reasons to hide the idea.  Just like HIM.  He wanted to keep as much as he could quiet, but during that time we argued ... we fought ... a lot.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life I pride myself on being smart.  I pride myself on being a well rounded guy who has all the answers.  I dont.  I failed with this discussion.

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best Just as I have been accused of always knowing or thinking I knew what was best.  I mean no harm.  I just try to express what life taught me.
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you I pray to God he hears you too.  Cause ... the lack of that is where I am.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness I am an idiot.
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life I didnt know all the answers all I knew he was always the first one to run.  And I told him if we break up it will be because of you.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice We used to raise our voices.  And I still remember saying to him ... I didnt hit you!  You hit me!  I tried to keep my voice tempered sometimes, I tried to avoid our punches.  I reminded him as I stopped my bloody nose he hit me...and I didnt hit him.
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed All his issues were born from the family and the surroundings he came from.  It was always a war of me vs. them.  Who do you chose?  The one today who has made you happy or the ones who have kept him safe and closed from the feelings he had all this time?
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same He literally has said he isnt the same.  I couldnt make this line fit any better without his talk.  I dont know him, cause he isnt the one I dated for so long...he was someone else, he wasnt the same.  I told him I hope he finds someone like the one I thought I had.
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness And bitterness entered.  Oh so harsh it did.
And I would have stayed up with you all night I would have.
Had I known how to save a life I didnt and still dont. Most of this time afterwards I am busy trying to figure out how to save my own.

How to save a life
And maybe thats the best you can do, learn to save yourself.  You cant save everyone from the darkness that they run from.  You cant make them see all that you see.  You may mourn the loss but they feel better cause now they fit into their comfort zone.  That zone never grew to include you or the ideas and hopes you had for the two of you.  You may have just been a "for the time being" and that wasnt what you entered into.
You recall how you tried to get him to stay home on bar nights cause he was all you needed and how he wanted more.  How you told him you only fought there.  How you pleaded that the only time things got violent was after there.  He built a culture of you always not feeling good about allowed this and you bought into the idea that he was better than you.  You ignored yourself and slipped beyond where you have been before.

I sat tonight with an old friend Jim.  Way back from my Western days.  I thought he was with Shawn.  I called the other guy shawn and he wasnt.   Then I saw Jim alone.  And I explained and I listened.  Shawn didnt want Jim any longer.  I told Jim him and Shawn were the only couple I recalled when I saw one or the other.  And that he was a great relationship for Shawn.  And that Shawn made a common mistake of those who were just coming out.  Not seeing what they had until it was too late.  I hinted that I had found a guy who I found so much in....and that he still has no idea what he had.

And as I walked through the bar another guy stopped me and talked about Brent.  I hushed him.  No need to rake the surface for the surface.  

Pride yourself in being a guy with goals and dreams but find the fualt in those when you include someone else in these.  You can never explain or know wholely that these are the two of your dreams.  Make them, but recall ... you are just half of the people involved.  You will NEVER be able to speak for more than'll never be able to rely on any but yourself.  Sure trust others, cause the happiness comes from when they surprise you and do what you would do to keep the dream alive.  Dont fall too hard when they dont, just remember that most people fail one another.  Sometimes these people redeem themselves and they become your best friends but always remember that they brought up the defenses you use on others in the future.  Love them, forgive them and never forget them or what they did..  If someone has failed you before...your a fool for letting them in close enough to foll you again.

So the guy who pulled me aside then went on to mention you were totally trashed tuesday night.  Then you look at this guy and you dont understand I learned that night he was here.  In my home territory.  I am glad I had something else to do and wasnt here and I didnt see him instead someone else had to tell me he was here.  Cause there would have been no point to you being there.  No reason.  While he may have been all the reason for everything prior to your breakup he is no longer a factor in anything you do ... just a detractor.

Then you walk on by...and see his friends he was with that weekend.  They say hello politely to you. Like your a fool.  Like your an idiot.  Like your everything that Brent thinks you are.  You tell them to tell him you wish him well.  You really do.  They look at you and say ... "Who" and you recall they arent your friends.  They are his and they'd lie to the end for him.  So you simply find David and tell him they  are playing like I am hunting for coy. ( fuck spelling ) And do something most would consider delete them from your online friends.....but why not?  They arent?   They are not neutral.  They are playing the same game Brent is ... and they have no use in your life.  And then you explian this to David and he just tells you that your an idiot for being down about Brent cause he is an asshole who has treated you like shit.  And you look at David and know that he knows loyalty.  He realizes where you've found happiness is where it should be and you know he isnt "friends" like others around you are with the one who hurt you.  Just as I told Ed ... I'd never make a friend pick but when they do on there own ... thats the ones you have to stay close too.  The ones that remain neutral ... those that keep ties ... those are the ones who completely escape the idea of friendship and those are the ones you cant totally trust with your feelings.  I am just pointing out that I have a few select close friends who try to play neutral ... and then in my face try to be my ally ... who are they to say they hold my feelings in importance?  No names but these people seem to reach to the highest levels of my friends and I am resolved to remember their loyalty.  So anyhow ... I delete his friends from my friends online.  It is symbolic but it shows that lines have been drawn and that I am on the other end.

Point is ... know where your friends are ... remember where his are ... and wish them all the best and hold true to who you really are and not who Brent thinks you are and not bend to who his friends expect you to become.  Bitterness needs to be only a word used by them and the only world you can use is guarded.

Brent ... ultimately is a child in this gay world.  His friends are his.  Yours support you and thats the ones you need and you'll find someone else who has learned this lesson that Brent has taught you.  And that person is the real strength and you just have to hold on until you find the one who can relate and who can avoid the mistakes you and Brent made.

I know.  I dont wait anymore.  It is almost public knowledge how I have tried to replace the feelings I have Brent with someone else.  And it isnt so much Brent that holds me is just that I finally broke above that ceiling.  I told David I hoped he found this and he thought I was being assy ... I wasnt.  It is best to love and lose it, than to never have loved before.  So I may go asleep alone, but I have something that my friends dont understand, something Brents dont get, something Brent doesnt know....I have someone I gave it all too.  And thats the secret.  To finding happiness ... you cant appreciate what you've got until you've lost it.  Just try to be classy.

Point being ... if you understand me then ... you've felt what I have and just us are a part of a secret society that can recognize the beginning of LOVE.  The rest ... may seek it and the rest will not find it until they lost it.

But all this makes you question yourself.  Who are you?  HOw good a person are you?  Then you recall tonight.  You were on the phone with a friend...he was walking in downtown louisville and the phone went silent suddenly but it didnt hangup.  So You rush from where you and you find him.  He just beat a mugging.  You find a police officer and he tells them and the cops go to the spot.  And you drive him to where he was walking.  And then another friend wnats you to pick them up here but another frind wants you to get him from another place.  You agree to get them both and in all you moving and saving all you want is to be in one place to enjoy yourself but you cant if your friends need you somewhere else.  And then you run out of gas and David comes to your rescue as he always seems too.  And you remember who holds you close....who answers your call....who supports you and not them.  And you realize your a wealthy person.  You may not have the love of eternity.....but you have shown to your downfall your there for others...and then you find yourself in need and you find yourself rescued.  I'd be there for all my friends and I know only one or two may be there really for you.

I am a luck man.  Cause as damaged as I may be I have two very special prospects.  They have built slowly and they are still around months later and these two arent generally around me and my friends and they barely understand my friends.  But on many occassions I have wrapped my arms around them in bed and kissed these two people and thought .... do they know how to save a life?


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