Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler


I feel like unsolved mysterious. I presnt the story then at the end I say .... UPDATE.


So I still like Jordan a lot. He still offers the most romance and the hottest nights. He works two jobs ... and I havent seen him in like 4 days. But. Even if it stopped here, he served to show me ... so much hottness is possible. Patience. Patience. You see I heard and I believe ... the way you start is the way you end. Brent and I were over night on both, Brandon and I were, Derrick was, David never was ... point ... if it begins fast it ends fast. This has been slow. I am bunkered down and ready for slow for once.

I started playing world of war craft. I made fun of it then I joined it. Then I told David to join ... next thing I know I am getting calls from him telling me he is in Daranass at the bridge and is a level ten night elf and needs me to help him on a quest. That was a turn over period of 24 hours. But it is cool. It takes up the time I usually spend sleeping thinking there is no reason to be awake. But I am still a person who needs others around. I need to see real smiles and I need to feel real hugs. So I went out tonight alone and I found a lot of real hugs.

Mom : This is a harder topic. She is set now for a Dec. 27th second surgery. They are removing her entire right breast. Along with her limpnodes on the right side. They warned her she has an enzyme that also indicates ovarian cancer. She is set for the surgery, then after that cemotherapy. Her spirit and weight are pivital to her getting it. She then will need a third operation to add breasts back where they once were and regular check ups. She told me they couldnt stage it, the cancer. I knew my grandmothers is staged. But mom says she cant learn hers. I felt like she was avoiding it to tell me. I just knew my grandma didnt need a total removal. And that my mom told me that if their was cancer in her limpnodes it was bad and they would only remove them second. This is horrific. My dad is my greatest fan, I told him about it...he didnt know. I felt he needed too. They were married for 20 years. They created me. In my mind they are still very close and very one in the same.

Grandma's: Grandma's cancer seems to be controlled. Her only obstacle is weight. She is still in the nineties and the doctor's want her to be around 100. I need to see her. One on One. I need to tell her. I need her to gain weight. I need her to eat when she isnt hungry and I need her to think then that I need her.

Finally. I think I am a supporter. I need others to find a need in me to need them. Sick isnt it? I need an occassion to show myself as being a great person. I see this even in the ones I date. I need to be needed.

Big sum up. I am in my element. I am a product of these people and I am strong just as they are strong. I'll happily help my mother and help my grandmother if they need it cause it will make me feel like a real person. Not just a person ... but a good person. Thats something I have sought since the end of my last realtionship. To demonstrate I am not dispensable.

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