Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

40:02 Lost

So for the first time since Brent I got accustom to waking up next to someone else. I think back fondly how my landlord has woke me up twice with him in my bed, last time I could see the smile on his face as I lay there listening to him about some plumber with the sweet essence of Jordan between my tired mind and his 20 something grin. Jordan rolled over and mumbled something about how he shouldnt be able to open my bedroom door and just talk to me. I think about how when we slept together we had so many points of contact. Our feet always were touching, then my chest to his back, my left arm over him, my right arm under his pillow next to his arm, my lips to the back of his neck. I liked to fall asleep with each breathe of mine kissing his neck. He always smelt so good.
But I think we are drifting apart. His ex is playing some game. Since this started I havent found myself holding him. I dont play ex games well. I have started to respond less and less to text messages. "lol, it's cause your so special." was his last message. Does he really know that?
I am so delicate is what I think. We were at work and we were playing some computer game and he was like..."go make me some cookies" so I found some and microwaved them so they'd be warm and soft. And thats the way I want him to see me. He wants something and I surprisingly have it. He has been so distant lately.
He provided such a wonderful high. I stopped filling my perscripitions. But tomorrow I think I'll refill the concerta and paxil. Cause he has been absent from my arms for a week. Sure there are still phone calls. Sure text messages. But ... now thoughts of us are keeping me awake and I am laying here alone.
He has really been phenomenal. I love Brent still. But he is in the same top tier of cute and he makes me forget any bagage. But ... I'll let the ex move back in on him, and I'll watch as they pull back apart and I'll lay next to him once they slip again. Unless, I find someone else.
Ever since Brent I have falling into a one man kinda heart goal. Seeing only him as a person I want to sleep with. But this one man kinda goal becomes lonely when you find your in a competition with the old one man of his past. My old one man past is closed, but his isnt. How true to myself can I be to allow myself to play substitue.
So tonight I knew we werent going to be together. I headed out to the bar which is the center of lonely. David and I sat there and drank. And a sweet girl I know bought me 4 shots of bourbon making me gag on each one as they slipped down. She said I seemed sadder when I was sober. I agreed. So we set off to drown the part of me that offered that emotion. I descended into my merry self, I yelled and smiled and I was in my element. But Jordan has lately made that feeling for me without the drinking.
The sun is coming up now. This signals I must go back to bed. It is so hard to fall back asleep once it has creeped back up. My new apartment allows it in. I am still very stubbourn. I'll lay awake for an hour, hear life outside and see the sunlight boldly pushing through my blinds and I'll still lay here. Not tired. Just not ready to get up. This begins about now, then again at 1pm, and I finally get up once it sets at 7pm. Then I am back in bed about 4am. Thats why I claim to have trouble sleeping. Cause its getting harder to lay here for 14 or 15 hours. But I still cant get up.
Mom had her surgery. She was a trooper.
I had a call on my voicemail from someone I gave my number too. I dont know if I'll call him. y heart still doesnt seem to have much room for others. A cute boy helped take mine and David's and Robbie's picture tonight. I was gonna take it. But he popped in and told me to get in the picture. And then he snickered at my smile and how I wasnt playing picture smile. That was nice. That he was looking into that lens and watching my expressions. I guess my point I am making is that there are others who take notice of me and I notice them but I am so ultra focused these days on just one.
Its mainly cause Brent still holds a huge part of my heart. Then Jordan fills the rest and I find I have little else to give anyone.
I'm getting old now. I'm settling down and I want the same person in my bed each night. Jordan and I have been playing around for months now, and just before xmas he was here like 9 nights out of 10. And I liked that a lot. But since xmas he has been busy with this or that and I havent been this or that.
But lets keep in mind Jordan hasnt said goodbye. Brent has. And I may expect the stars to fall each time I see someone ... but ... its all a matter of finding someone who wants what I want. Maybe Jordan is this, and maybe we will make it to another place in this relationship train, but if not he did teach me that I can find someone and I can make it on 5 hours of sleep cause he is around and in that wide awake feeling I can laugh and cuddle and never think of my past love.
Just ... like now ... when he is absent, my past rolls back in. What am I after? He cant know that this is how I am. He cant know that around him I desire his touch. When he is around ... I want to take him places. But once he leaves I recall the one before him. I took Jordan to the firetower two weeks ago. It was a special spot to me. I hadnt been back there since I last was there with Brent. Since I kissed and held Brent there. But then I was there with Jordan and things felt good. But maybe my fault right now is that I am trying to make Jordan ... Brent. And forgetting that if Jordan becomes Brent then he and I wont be together. Oh so complicated. I am so complex these days.
Whatever happened to just being happy? I get happy and then I tack on my expectations and I weigh down the situation. My heart seems to give me away and gets in my way.
I want someone like Brent and I were before he left for Chile. I want that person to be as hot as Jordan but is it fair for me to try to substitute another person in the dreams I once had?
Anyhow. We have a new year approaching. I decided if Jordan is with me that night then I'll continue to pursue him and if he isnt then I'll just refill my paxil and keep escaping the sun.
Moving on. It only hurts when I'm feeling. My heart only breaks when its beating. My dreams on die when I am dreaming. As the song goes ... I hold my breath to forget.
I am fine when Jordan is next to me, but when he isnt I find myself looking back. Damn this thing called Love.
I am listening to country right now. "Live like your dieing" just came on. And it hits me. With my families multiple cancer fights that I am such an idiot. My mom could easily be dead in a year and she isn't sleeping through each day. Living isnt such an imposition. I tell ya what, I'll get up today at 2pm and call Jordan. No one likes a guy who is always feeling sorry for himself. Its these steps forward that bring us to a better way.

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