Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

40:19 Knowing your strengths and weaknesses ...

*** disclaimer:  i am a tad drunk.  I wrote this and since reread it and realized clearification is needed when I can type what I am thinking.***

So tonight I found I am closer than I thought to knowing two intriguing guys.

#1 Justin - In the previous message I mentioned ,my last happenings hanging out with a guy who was once too georgeous not to date but was too young.  I was 20 he was 16.  But then ... the world spins.  And time plays its part and 28 vs. 24 doesnt sound bad at all.  In those spirals you intersect with that element and each time you have nothing but happy thoughts.  All I need to do now is fuck it up like I do anything once I realize it works.  Or maybe I'll just sit back and assume that ... if it is to be ... it will ... and like we've met for the first time now three times.  So fate is doing her part already.

#2 Colin - So I had mentioned my goal was to actually trade numbers with this guy I have known for a year and in the past three months flirted with to the point we buy each other shit at the bar but ... surprisingly I dont have his number.  Here is how it played out to me tonight.  I left the house and actually debated writing on my hand to get his number.  I decided .. nahh that looks alittle psycho.  so ... i saw colin's friend and asked if he was there, he said he had already left.  DAMN.  In my mind tonight I had two causes, one ... colin here in Louisville ... or two beyond my realm to strike up another episode of conversation with the mega star Justin in chicago.  9 seriously my friend introed me to people and I was like...bud...already told you...if I am here...then I am looking for this guy or that.  No open bar tab ) but anyhow ... back to colin.  So he had already left.  Bummer.  After all he was a central focus of who I wanted to see at the bar the past several weeks.  So ... the story goes on ... as me and greg left I was like, damnit I was hoping to finally get Colin's number tonight.  And greg was like ... I can give it too ya and I was cause if I have it I want it first person, unless you know who 315 is.  And he turns and looks at me and is like ... colin's number IS a 315 number.  He even double checks.  And I look at my phone and realize ... for the past month I have gotten text messages from this 315 number and thought who is this... hmm ... some weirdo I dont want to talk too that I accidently was too honest to lie to at the br with my number.  I had answered these messages before but always in a quick professional style.  So I texted the 315 number and was like ... i want your number.  And until tonight I had o idea who this was.  and so the story goes on.... 

#3 Me - No I am not boy crazy, I just know there is an unreachable guy 6 hours away who always sparks my interests and then in my hour radius a newer guy who i think is awesome but I also think I screw up shit too much so I should keep him at a safe distance otherwise I have another Brent.  I am a scholar at being a super boyfriend and I am a failure at not being jealous when I am drunk.  So for the two ... Justin and Colin I havent made myself out to be an ass yet.  I wonder why be too close to guys you like when you know your fault is that you become kinda bitchy drunk.  Is it better to have a Justin ... awesome one after years and years you still harbor fresh memories of ... or Brent an awesome one that you acted on those and then fucked up with??  

Its the question of ... which is better?  Never pursuing and mildly hitting and always wanting ...  verses pursing and missing and losing.  Do you want 8 years of desire or 6 months of have?  At this point ... I look more fondly at the desire.  colin falls in this realm cause until tonight i didnt ask for his number but I ave known him for a year or so ... but I have also never failed him in this year ... cause I never promised anything. the other gay guys out there.  Which is better.  Having today or wanting tomorrow?  Which brings a bigger smile ... seeing a guys profile on myspace you wanted for years and never really pushed the next level so you keep running into him as a fresh reminder of hottness....or do you want to avoid ever looking at someone's profile like Brent.  I want to see it.  I want to know, but I dont go to it, I dont look for him  cause in the small time we had we promised it all and we lost it all.  Maybe a hot big picture is that there is another 60 years or so ahead to figure out the rest.  But ... it is nice.  Too see Justin ... who is youthful desire and then colin who is apathy cause of my history and then remembering the guy who most affected me is Brent who doesnt want anything to do with me and who I dont look up anymore with only a year of history between us.

Am I making ANY sense?

On myspace...I stole justin's theme song.  surprisingly it fits with EVERYTHING I am saying.   ... wanna hear a sample of it? "If I told you things I did before would you go along with some like me?  If you know my story word for word, had my history would you go along with someone like me?"  I have known both for sometime and both have been at a distance of me ... and both have survived as thoughts of interest.  Talking all about me and them.  "Usually when people come this far...people tend to disappear."   (insert Brent)   And I really dont care about the young folks....Greg is like you know him... do you know that guy or this guy and I am like... who cares???  What to spend a few months together til we decide we dont want each other?  Greg ... I want a drink not another 6 months of what if.  The bar could be empty to me, but I'll have all I need.  I see david out and we chit chat about crap and he talks about his new self.  And then that song plays... 

"We dont care about the young folks, talking about the young stuff.  We don't care about the old folks, talking about the old stuyle too.  And we don't care about our own folks talking about their own stuff.  All we care about is talking, me and you."

Derrick.  Over here.  Read this... just ask...what if we never had really matched up and we had passed on along. we'd have potential...but we did commit and we did fail and we are still friends ( I value that of course but ... how many failed relationships do we need around?)  You and shane for instance.  Blame is a point we have past.  Just like us.  You and shane for whatever reason grew apart.  You did do the right thing and break from it cause when you are asking if you should break up ... your right you probably should.  But what if?  What if you two had never committed and you two had kept a distance and grew in life and saw the other growing seperately.  Could one day the two of you had been right?  Course...I am not suggesting an alternative to what you all had cause God knows I do what I want and then figure out crap afterwards but I always sit back and wonder these what ifs....   do overs.  Impossible in relationships, but always possible in imagination.  I guess we need to just be glad that we screw up with awesome people.  Me with you.  Me with a lot of people.  But you also with Shane and then you build something stronger than what you had in a standing honest relationship that you know will survive whatever happens on saturday night.  Yadda Yadda I know...just saying. 

I dont know where I am going on this...but I know brent and I burnt out fast.  Derrick and I failed each other in a relationship but made a friendship of it and I see a couple guys I have for whatever reason never reached a point beyond .... wanting.  And ... I still want them.  I have more of a future with the ones I have less of a past with.  But then ... i have ... safe pasts with these guys.  

Maybe its like ... being on training wheels and meeting a guy you want to bike race and never racing him until you have these wheels off.  cause you already lost the others you raced with these handicaps on.  And you are at a bar and a boy is introduced to you and you think more about all the work you have to do to meet in the middle or to disregard them as just another guy at the bar  ... the later lasts longer.

Oh and a lesser important but interesting fact.  My journal is called "The book of Matthew" and I create chapters and add verses to them and they change with my life.  This is Matthew 40:19.  Did you know the disciple Matthew only wrote 28 chapters in the bible and I seem to have more verses than him?  :-)  See ... the bible would have been longer if there had been gay bars and techno in 32 AD.


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