Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

He comes up in conversation

No...not Brent.  Jordan.

Tonight somehow he came up in conversation at the pink door.  And I was seem to know him well....tell me what did you think of his...."you know".  They said ... small.  I was like....ha ha ha...your a liar.  His is pierced.  And thats the first thing anyone would say about it.  And they were like well I saw it before then...and I was like....and it isnt small.  I told Jordan about that conversation.   

Just points out.....  the most beautiful guys you'll see ... have the most ugly detractors spreading lies.  I envy anyone jordan dates.

Colin and I were out.  But John payed more attention to me.  Its all good.  I love Brent.  I miss Jordan.  And the rest are just footnotes.  I miss all the exes....I long for one who wasnt an ex.  I still love someone who I am just figuring out is an ex.  Greg says hit on him hit on this one....but I dont see much a worth wild.  And I am glad of that.  I am glad I dont need to hide me missing of someone with another person.  I see people.  I see people now and I seriously see them.  I think...he is so wonderful why was  he left behind by someone else?   I see another and I wonder who could ever capture that heart?  I see other guys and I wonder when can he settle, when can he stop seeking and be happy?

And I look at myself and wonder which am I?  When will I feel that great warm welcome?   When someone tells me I found my way and this is where I am meant to be.

I go out with so many and lately I just see them.  In a negative way I saw someone else tonight.  He warned me of someone.  And I told him, if I lose Colin to him then so be it.  Cause there will always be other guys and if he wants one then he'll want others so the other guy saved me sometime.  And my friend was like....but be careful of those others....and I was like....You cant prevent what you cant predict.  At some point you have to expect loyality by the guy you date and if you find none........then you have an answer that can save you.  And he was like...well I waited 2 yrs for my guy .... and i thought .... my point is you lost two years.  Love isnt a struggle.  It isnt planned.   It happens.   It builds and as long as two are committed to it can grow.  No matter how much the one matter how perfect the one is .... the one....can not be love.  It seriously takes two.  winking, leaning, holding and kissing.  thats what grows.

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