Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

Endless Love - Diana Ross........My Love

So all honesty this is why I am still single.  And I am slighty still proud of it.  I'll go out with friends and they intro me to someone else...and I look at them and realize...they'll never reach the point as my ex hit.  It has been a year.  And I am viewed as a slut in this world.  And I still havent touched another boy and told him I loved him.  Its been a year since I slept next to another guy... I considered .... my Love.

I have slept next to others.  A few a couple.  Only one really made a spot on my radar.  Jordan.  But I fucked that up as I did with Brent.  Yes I'll admitt I hadnt realized how destructive I could be until I lost....my love....Brent Jones.  His memory still brings me a smile...and I secretly hate that.  I secretely want to think I am over him.  I know I was over all my other exes before a year passed and I still find myself comparing my life to whomever I am talking too....comparing to a reckless relationship inwhich each of us showed little respect for the other...I see myself kissing other boys and wishing for brent.  I see myself arguing with other boys and I bring Brent up......I told a great guy......"Brent already hurt me this year and you wont get the same chance as someone like him."

And what does this mean to me??  Nothing.  Sure my MD told me I needed a therapist.  He was like....Matt your waiting for him.   But that was months ago.  I dont wait for him now.  I dont go out hoping I'll see him.  I relaize we got different things from US.   I got my first dependance.  I gave up crystal meth cause he wouldnt approve.  Over five years I did it....and all I needed was him saying no and the desire to not upset him.  I've hinted at my drug situation before.  But now after he has been gone almost a year i want to note.....the only reason I gave up crystal was him. Since 1999 I didnt care about myself in that form and I met an angel.  A guy I never was meant to hold on to......but a guy ....who did change me.  So many times i have dreamed of changeing the past and going back to my turbulent times with him and slapping myself and telling myself your a fuck up.  You never deserved him and you'll be luck to feel the same about anyone else.  Look at me...he is my 8th boyfriend...and he is the only boyfriend I've had so much trouble getting past.  i truely loved him.  And I owe him so much of me now.  I am alive now with out drugs because of him.  No other reason.  I go to my DUI classes ( drinking brought on by losing him) but I see drug addicts and I can look at them and think...I gave up what you did for the love of one other person.   He was my all.  I showed it so pourly.  My next boyfriend...how ever long it takes I'll look at him .... the same as I did for brent.  But this time I wont have to chose drugs over him.  I'll look at him and know how much I care.  I've been single basically now for a year the longest I've been single.  Sure their have been others.  But no one else since Brent entered my life have I called another person my boyfriend.  I am a fool for him.  I'll move on..I am moving on,....I am learning about myself and I learning what the world means to me....and when it is right....I'll embrace one single guy and see him ass my future.

Even this far away from him I find him in each of my conversations.  I told my brother tonight he could have Brent's membership to Nortons gym cause he is moving across the street of me...  It shows two things......one that i thought of brent long ago when I singed up.....and two that I am ready to let go of Brent's spot in my life as I give away what was bought in his name.
Two weeks ago a cute guy named Aaron toasted to me being single and I put down the drink.  I dont toast single life I told him.  I dont.  I hope the best for Aaron and i hope the best for me and thats why I cant drink to being single.  It is a failure in my mind.  I dont enter a relationship expecting I'll be single.  To toast to being single after i met him is an injustice.  It would be a lie.  I dont lie.    My problem is arrogance and an ignorance for what I love......not being single.  And so I had no reason to join the toast..  
i truely hope the best for each relationship my friends have.....cause I have seen so much with a relationship and I have lost so much with a relationship and a year later....I am still .... single.
I can never fix me and Brent.  But I can be better for the next one.  And I just havent found a next one that I can trust with my hopes and dreams.  But till then....I'll play the game, and I'll move past the ones I know cant be the next love of my life.  And I'll keep seeking a reason to wake up next too ,.....till I find him.  No reason to fuck up what I lost for a sorry tomorrow.  Know what I mean?  You saw what you wanted and lost it .... so you hold on to tomorrow and dont trust till you find the boy of your tomorrow.
I'll find him.  But til then... I'll continue....continue to be the bar's bachelor not by choice but by mandate.  I cant date anyone unless I feel they can take the place of Brent.  I loved him.  I wanted him.   I mourned him.   I lost him and I debated what I could do to be what he wanted.  But I do relaize he is gone.  He has no reason to seek.  But for the next one ... I cant tell you I love you til I know .... you can beat the affection and devotion I felt for Brent.  I cant date til then.  I go on.  I make it all up and I kiss....but I never give away what I gave him.....not til I can trust it to someone else.

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