Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

IT isn't a struggle.

IT isnt.  First off....sure I see guys I like at the bar but then it becomes compitition and a struggle for attention and I bow out.  See over a year ago I found something and the struggle wasnt attention.  We clicked day one.  I wanted him he wanted me and we struggled over our own issues but others werent really a struggle.   So yeah I go out.  I left my two cats at my apartment and if i come home and find my two cats then I know all is fine.  If wants to be here he will be.  Who is he?   I dont know.  I know I havent really found him.  I know last time I met the guy I couldnt live without it just happened.  And we didnt seperate till almost a year later.  And thats why I can leave easily.  Cause it cant be a struggle before you fall in love, there is too much a struggle afterwards when you work through that love.  So I am single.  And I wont struggle for attention to not be single.  I'll wait...till I find a guy we want to be together and then we struggle.  We will struggle everyday and we will most likely find each other....but....I wont struggle until we want each other.  It seems hard to find but it is worth more than struggleing for someone before you realize each other.

Cause I have learned stuff about myself.  One.  I cant wonder how he feels about me.  I'll know how I feel about him and I am good at giving everything to him and being a fool for him.  And yes....this song...."my endless love" is stuck in my head....mostly cause of a dream and compounded by my experience is life.  The next guy I date will know how I feel....and I will know how he feels.  And as in my last love dream....I had two weeks ago...a guy walked up to me and said he loved me and I said I was with this guy....and he walked away.....and minutes later I ran out to find the guy...and I kept yelling his name (it was Kevin in my dream) but I found him, he heard me yelling his name and he called back to me and I ran to him and I found him.  And we spent the next several hours together doing what he wanted but I knew this was where I was supposed to be ... and thats what I am holding out for ... someone who shows me that this is where i am supposed to be.  Isnt it weird how I have a dream and I find it to tell me that what is supposed to be will be and that the work for it wont be there but that he'll be there and he will say he wants me and I will chase after him and ......  I'll find him again.

Call me stupid.  But there wasnt that much work in it.  Just realization and abondanment to what we were.  So  ....  the next guy I call my boyfriend I'll chase him but ... it will take more than the norm to catch me, but once he has .... I'll show anyone ... thats the man I want.

This has been the longest stretch of single me.  But I'll be single till the time I find the guy I can and will want who shows me that he'll be with me as long as I appreciate his being.....which will be as long as I am sane.  I am slowly becoming tired of this and that at the bars and I can easily leave knowing that I doubt the one I want is there.  

All I want is a guy who will be a fool for me and who wont mind me saying he means the world to me and I'll be a fool for him.  Till then...I am single longing for that one.  I wont have too much patience for the misstep boys,I have already had eight missteps.  And sure I appreciate those missteps but at the end we already showed each other how much we cared.  I am tired of wasting time I am tired of missteps...I'll go home to my cats as long as I see a future of missteps.  ...   and I'll find myself in step with that guy.
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