Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

4:22 Doctrine of Attrition

Tonight I feel philosphical. I feel like if I had my college days before me again...standing in my first day of class at WKU...I'd do alot of the same things....but I think sociology or psy. would have been a bitter spot for me.

At this moment I wanna be somewhere. I debated driving to Cincinati tonight just to enjoy the drive and comfort of listening to Enya. It is music best suited for individual inspiration. And I have always liked that drive. Why cincy? Cause there is no one there I'd be trying to past, only whats ahead of me.

What is behind me? I know we cant change what is done, and that each new day comes from one...but honestly I dont feel any regrets right now for a life that I feel has been peppered in smiles and kisses. One thing I think helps me feel so optimistic about life is that I dont really see any action as a failure. Each attempt at a result that has lead to something unplanned has enriched me and helped build upon understanding and patience for the ultimate goal of my life which I dont seem to feel I know the definition of is.

Lately I've been wondering if my grand plan in life is where I am. I believe in an order, some call it god, to me it is fate a blueprint of how our lives will go. While I have the choices of life...fate seems to always lead you to where it feels you need to be. Is my way moving on to a place where their is no past but the one that exists in my memory? I wonder about this. The opportunity to apply all of your life's lessons to a new environment that hasnt seen your unimpressive learning system of hit and misses. Would you appear as a mavrickof life? Or would the new world you walked into bring all new lessons and trials?

Something is brewing in my life. A desire to be the person I want to be...not constrained by the tarnished image that follows a social learner.

There are many people in this world. Those that are summed up as:
I will ...
I have ...
I want ...
I regret ...
While at some point in our existence we associate probably with any of these themes...I'd like to think the most common reoccuring aspect of my mindset is the first.
I will ... is an empowering statement...forward thinking and determined to accomplish the life's plan before them. One of hope...romantic bliss and ignorance to feeling that their life has reached its high point. One of becoming.
Of all the other three I think I pity those that say "I have" because that indicates that their focus is on either the past....or accumulation of something material that doesnt really inspire a reason to attack each next day. I hope I never have a trophy room, a shrine to my past...symbolically I wonder if I will be the guy that always seeks to keep his fire place mantle missing any affirmations of the life he has lead. Not to knock the good deeds of others...but when I feel accomplished I worry that I'll start to question whether my usefulness has past.
I want ... seems misguided to me. A person with a goal...but no true faith in their abilities to accomplish it on their own. A lack of that will power aspect. Could this be a person based on wishes?
I regret. :-( Someone who hasnt realized that no matter how far from their planned goals in life they have wondered from....that a new beginning...a new chance has always been within their reach. But they are so unchangeable with the world that they lost the lesson that life meant to teach them.
Some many roads ahead. :-) Who cares about the ones I past. Whats over is control only where you will go.
The task I see for me right now is where shall I go? In my heart I wonder which road should I take next? Will I find the answer in my past? In another person? Am I strong enough to find the answer in myself?
I look to my grandparents as an inspirational force. Two people still focused on tomorrow...building still together. Two work as one. Each one surrounded by the blessings of their past accomplishments. These blessings arent a house, or a farm...but simply the interaction with the string of generations that they have been responsible for. I've been sheltered in the despair of death. I find it amazing that I can look at four generations of my family and see such life. I worry about the inevitable loss of these amazing forces.
I've been to see them twice this week. I have no reason right now to feel sorrow...but some reason I feel a tad of despair, we all try to learn from our worlds...I just am not ready for the lesson of letting go. Just having my fish die last week sent me into a sad moment.
I will...grow from here. I will continue to cherish my past (measured in the true worth of the associations with others I have had)....I will be someday sitting and realize I suppose that I have.
Maybe it is a question of age? Could it be that at the beginning of your real life you simply are drunk with the dreams you have for yourself and it is east to say...I will. And then as you have past that point in your realize that you have? My GPs have dozens of pictures of what they a gay male will I be able to gaze into the eyes of another person and know that their life is so strongly tied to mine as I see in my grands eyes?
If the worth of association is greater than that of materialization then as a gay male will I feel the worth of life?
I pity the gay male that is in his last years...I worry is their anyone there with him? So what if he has a trophy of the life he lead on his mantle...who will hold my hand will I breath for the last time? In that last second will I see the world of love I see in my families eyes? When my grands die.....I will be so pushed from my base of foundation...but it will be yet another time they have taught me something. Will I die and simply gaze into the empty space of my mistakes in life and that face is the absence of the worth of association?
Well...I have talked way too long and am keeping you oh all listening live journal. I will be back soon...I will.

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