Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

The place I shouldn't go

So this is directed to some one who I find extremely attractive and I want. BUT who has no idea that I want me more than I want him. That meaning...MY self worth is more important than his tramping. No names. But I was moving in with some one and ... thats kinda gone. Last time we went out he was after my friend shane, this time he was after a guy I knew named Arron...who has a boyfriend...and looks like a kedler elf.

IF the guy I was with wanted less from me he could have easily not accepted the shirt on his back tonight or the drinks I bought him or the cigs I bought him. I mean...I just want to note....there is something called chivalry. Look it up, obviously I was taking care of someone and that one was caring nothing for the fact I could have easily told him....good luck and good night. I dont regret it...I still believe in others to be normal and to have some respect for others...I just threw my pearls among swine tonight. So thats what i get.
See I can talk bad about the little elf bitch. He has a BF. He saw me walk in with someone...and he still did his shallow best to fuck that up. So believe me...when I see him out...he will be the kebler elf whore. I'll treat him like garbage cause he already acts like garbage. This is a scent of war on a whore....a whench. Fuck him...he played his dice and just as some one is not in my plans neither is showing nice quarters to the ass munch...( ass munch cause he isnt tall enough to reach higher than that...) gonne find a kind word from me.

I am old school. YOU may call yourself an OLD soul. But I have been called an old soul by others. I hold loyalty, at a prime rate. You are obviously nothing but a normal regular specimen of what makes our fine town look bad. I'll show you the same love I show cancer....

FUCK OFF Aaron and J***** ( who I am more just disappointed). You made your own bed and I can do better than talk to either of yas.

Cheers! A guy with a hint of DIGNITY. ( dont fuck with people who have self some point they will cast you aside. )

You want to know my mind set? that theme song goes for everyone. I have found nothing. Listen to the song in another window...and read...

I have been single for over a year. I look for what I don't have. I look for some one who has a handle on respect for others. I look for what I haven't seen or found in some time. I look and I keep searching and I keep finding empty grasps at what I offer. I dont want devotion...I just look for loyalty. I just seek an eye that will search for me as much as I search for it. I should go. I havent had someone to talk to in such a long time. Brent still seems the best thing that hit my life. So if you hit my time since then...I still look at him as the best thing. I still seek what he brought me. Over a year now, and none has brought me the peace that I felt with that guy. I seek more, I hope for more...and I know ... none bring that to me. None can touch a fialure of my life...thats depressing, he was a failure...and he is still the center peice of happiness. My will is weak. My sense of reason, is comprimised but still all I meet can't break that fragile line. That says something of the people I have ran into...a the memory of a failure is better than you.

In keeping with the song...jordan...has a power over me. Just talking about him makes me turned on sometimes. Laying next to me my hands wander over his body and when we spooned last night and his armed drapped over me...I truely enjoyed it. I enjoyed we werent having sex but we were close enough to feel each heart beat. BUT...when we go out he told me not to be possessive. It is just hard when he goes for people I have already discounted months ago before he came on to the scene. It is hard to lay next to someone who is so overly cordial with people you never even bothered to learn their last name.

in related helpful knowledge ...

How to Kick in a Door

I almost hate to say this ... but ... again, Brent. Hottest guy I have known, most loyal person I have dated. Most vulnerable and yet the strongest in so many ways. I worry that because of him I'l grow old and become some old poet talking about what I once knew and what so few get and how ... I probably wont find the same again.

All of this could be over looked, but ... things change.

Some one told me I was in love with my past. I am. It was more real and more true ... more honest and more loyal. Trivial excuses...but I knew what to do then, and now...I don't know where to go, what to do and who to rely on...who to love, who to stand next too.

In the words of the referenced song. "Somehow i feel I should apologize cause I am shaken by whats going on inside, I should go. Before my will gets any weaker and my eyes linger longer than they should. I should go. Before I lose my sense of reason." The place I shouldn't go.

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