Its like cooking a frog I guess. I made dinner at my apartment for me and Jordan. Then we moved in together this weekend. Last night I made dinner for us both ... I liked it ... and we each had 3 bowls of my chili so I think it was acceptable. Then came tonight. We had over Curt and Derrick. ( JOsh was absent has he has a complex of who likes him ) as Curt and I brought up the grocceries for our stepped down dinner ( we thought we'd save money) he had spent 23 bucks I spent 17 so all together not counting Derricks kick ass brownies we had a GREAT dinner for 40 bucks for 4...plus left overs for Chancee ( yes if you know me I am okay with him trying to kill me) and for Josh who wasnt in attendance. I liked it. It felt like family. Curt went to get Derrick ...and I told Jordan to make a cocktail and sit back and relax since he was the only one getting home from a day job....and of course looking cute in his outfit.........The pork chops went in the oven....(with Matt Leffler odd seasoning...Cranberry Juice ) with veggies, mac and chez, and backed potatos ..... oh and multi gran french bread, and ceasar salads.....btw curt insited on real butter. I was fine with churn gold. :-) But we did real butter. All turned out fine and some good in my thoughts. In all honesty for the first time in literally years I feel like I am home. My roommate ... who I secretly love (every little thing he does is magic) and my friends who I openly love.....make it feel like less of a place to be and more like a place I can call mine...a place that is home. The new house situation was reason one for me as to why I am happy when discussing my anti depressents with my doctor.
I got a bunch of immunizations today.....Hep A, Hep B, Tet, then a blood culture and some stds. The roomie recent got his so I figure why not make sure we have a clean house.
In the move I discovered unburned pictures of me and Brent. I love him. I miss him. But I think I have finally gotten over him. I added our pictures to the ones of my old years here in the apartment. A grouping of what was and how happy I was then but things I dont consider everyday. Things that make my everyday but just arent in front of all my thoughts. Course my doctor thinks any mourning of that stuff is grounds for a pysh evauation. I got my refill of concerta....powering my will and daily desires. I also told him of the need to discountine the paxil as it made me totally unable to be in society....I threw up too much from my under confidence and anxiety. So I have Zoloft now 100 mg. and we shall see how that goes. But of course...as I type I need more songs to type too...so I picked the one I associate with the greatest love of my life.....Casada...Everytime we touch. But in all honesty .... I feel for the first time in about a year...I dont need to hurt about it. I can celebrate on it. His door is open right now and he is in bed....and HE isn't the one the song talks about. But HE .... is a secret source for a lot of Joy.
I still need to organize the bedroom but til I get that fixed the rest of the place is coming into focus. I dont have the life I wanted a year ago .... but I have the closest thing to it than I have had in 5 years. So ... ..
Catch me if you can ... thinks linger on happy.
Watch....I feel so good something will destroy it soon. :-) Thats why I have the 100 mg of Zoloft and 36 mg of Concerta ready. I am ready to fight or ready to enjoy.
and BTW I lost a personal hero a week ago....but this video TOTALLY shows you how wonderful she IS. Its slow at first but as she shows she believes christianity should be fun, and how she loves those with AIDS in the 80s.....you can easily see how we had a gem.