Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

43:01 I'll cover you

(I am drunk...playing the part of sober)

So we went out.  He did a novel idea ... eye liner.  He got less than a positive response.  Sure he looks great on his own.  But when a beautiful person wants to do something different ... they still are a beautiful person.  Cute how JOsh reads my journal and knows how I feel about him but that nappy bitch didnt feel like inviting us together over.  

So ... Josh ... do us a favor and dont read anymore.  Your a typical son of a bitch.  I wont act like how I feel about you but believe me it will take years before I'll act like you exist.  I mean you invite him to do things and you know how I feel about him but you dont invite me....course I thought you were an ass when Brent was arround .... and you failed with Derrick.  Cute.  Bitch.  Itsopie is not in the friend category.  I mean you invite him around then ...... bitch you are critical of him in eye liner.   Let me help you.  Neither of us are getting him.  BUT .... a true friend still supports.  Still a true friend doesnt go after a guy his friend journals about.  Josh you deserve a punch....unfortunately, your not worth it.  Fuck off....and enjoy the nappy life you live.  Its so cute to talk to someone you know will see this...and it is so pissy that you know someone saw it before and still acted like a freaking bitch.  You could have invited me out with you all .... but .... you didnt.  And with that on your Brent kissing ass....and the fabled relationship  you so weirdly saw in the future with Derrick.  Your a complete and total idiot.  Piss off.  Leave me the fuck alone, cause I swear as you saw tonight....I wont act like your there.  Bitch ass whore.  Seiously ... never read my journal again.  I see you as a complete and utter failure as a threat.   Your just like a fly ... I dont fear it ... I just want it dead. 

Anyway...I was getting yelled at by jordan tonight.  We were on the gravel in the back yard about an hour.  He was crying.  He was drunk.  Both of us on the ground, his head on my leg ... my hand brushing his hair.  He was out of his head ... cause I cant see how anyone so beautiful could ever be upset.   We talked about that over and over.  He was upset with what others have to say.  So cute.  How he is just 21 and doesnt understand he has so so so much to offer,,,and those who arent getting it.... like to bring down what they dont have.  He would make someone so happy....whoever finally gets him will be a lucky man.  And the others....just tear down the wonderful person he is.....I hope he can hold on to it until he finds someone what he will love.  The greatest thing really is to love AND be loved in return.  Someone will love him...he will love someone....and I'll love someone......and they will love me.  And we will both get what we deserve.   And I still dont get it.  In his worst times ... he is a hair shy of perfect.  It is almost sickening.  

September 27 2006 I made my first journal entry about my roommate.  It is rather sweet ... how I couldnt tell what was ahead and how I was just getting over the biggest loss of my love life.  Wow ... how could I have know the guy who captured all my interest would be my roommate.  A guy ... I told I was in love with but didnt expect anything with.  I helped change his clothes tonight ... he looks so good naked ... but I held back, I slipped my shorts on him and went on about the best stuff I could do.  Told him to throw up.  Put toothpaste on his brush, pulled out the mouth wash, made him an ice water set our alarms .... and sat back while he passed out somewhat made at me after I nursed his scrapped knee .... and thought .... this is what I am trying to do .... this is who I am trying to be.  The one.  Course he doesnt see it and wont.  Which is what makes it the better romantic story of loss.  No he isn't a Brent.  But he is about as close as I have found to it.  A person I can sit on gravel with .... brush his hair and explain if the police come down the alley we could be in trouble and then he acts like I am after my own good....so I say no...its fine...I'll stay here with you.  He pushes you away and threatens a hit ... and you come close anyways and say ... hit me ...  I dont care.  I want you to feel better.  If hitting me will make you feel better go for it.  If not ... then a human touch will.  So either way ... I need to be here.  He thinks I left him.  I could never leave him.  He doesnt seem to understand that he is in about everything I do.  When I do the dishes it is for him.  When I vacuum it is for him.  When I cook it is for him.  When I work out and try to make myself look better it is for the first time in over a year .... for someone other than Brent.  Jordan isn't the next love.  But he is the fix to Brent.  I see Jordan ... I dont think of anyone else.  He isnt Brents fix.  He is simply Jordan.  And thats all I think of when I look at him.  Jordan.

Now I just need to find someone who can return that.  He is probably so worried I am so about him, but he doesnt seem to realize .... he represents the first time I wanted something other than ... Brent.  God who is tired of that damn name over and over.

I need someone who loves me.  Until then, I'll love him.  Love that isnt sought after is the best isnt it?

BTW ... my landlord is FORCING me to give away my cats.  So if anyone wants two Matt Lefflerish personality cats who desire constant attention and affection.  Let me know.  matthew.leffler@nortonhealthcare.org 

Life is good.  For the first time I desire someone other than Brent.  I am happy with my job and I see extreme worth in my friends.  Although ... I have to say .... derrick ... if you hadnt dumped me, we'd be a stellar pair and you'd have saved me from all my confusion.  I still look at him as some kind of key to my happiness.  Maybe not in the fashion I originally thought.....maybe ..... maybe not .... end result .... we have all we need at this time.  

But with that said...who can forget David Doyle.  Always ... around in my darkest moments....always there to help save my night.  His eyes....his voice on the phone....has already proven enough to stop my demise.  I had a song for it.... "If heaven" Andy Griggs.  Cancer was and is rampent.  All in my life seemed to hit a low.  And I wasnt afraid to die.    Who knows if I have journaled about that.

Once....just a few years agos I figured out how I needed to kill myself.  How I'd write a letter to each person....who I wanted to find me.  WOW.....how...I have gone from such bliss....to that....and then back to bliss and don again .....and....then...knowning .... the people I love.  Really are here for me.  Thank you life.  I'll live it.  Or am I desciving(sp) myself

Most important ... the cats must leave by Aug 15th.  I try to explain to them.  Tonight I drank and drank after the bar and everyone else was asleep...I gave them a shit load of turkey....they ate it....but....I kept trying to tell them....I didnt know how much longer we had. 
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