Family there is nothing more important, they're the ones who show up when we are in trouble...
the ones who push us to succeed the ones who keep our secrets.
I kinda feel like I'm in a slightly protected place in typing this. If I dont talk to you about it ... I dont want to talk to you about it. I want someone to hear me. So it isn't private it is just friends only, and recently edited...friends only. But ... the people I need on something dont read this so your just advised on it. Your action isn't sought, your help isn't needed...your allowance is all I seek. Just your knowledge...when I am out with you.
Tomorrow I am talking to my family about some recent problems. I'm gonna tell someone about my recent sorrows ... independent of any friends...more poised for my family. How in the past three weeks or so I've tried in fudile ways to kill myself. How I am very unhappy ... how the first attempt I tried to hang myself and broke a fan, how the second I just was screwed up on perscriptions for a few days and how the last time I feel I kinda showed an improvement on that learning curve and slept several days. How for the first time ... the last time I did it ... I dont remember throwing up all the pills I took. I dont want to do it, but sometimes I just do...most times I see that I can find more than I have...and how others I just dont expect I'll ever find what I want.
How I need them. How others can't help...good intentioned as they may be....but....how I feel that increasingly I become uncontrolled...and better aware of how to sucessfully kill myself. I think of how to leave a note on my bedroom door to my roommate that if it is still up after a certain time, how he needs to step back and simply call my family to tell them I've succeeded. Why do that? Cause it isn't my goal to say anything to the people around me at that time, how I want to save them from finding a body....these preparation thoughts just worry me more...I feel increasingly like two waring selves...one seeking the best for my friends...one seeking to end my life.
I'm just saying ... more and more I feel like two different people. I feel like one with my friends and I feel like another when I am with myself. There is a growing under side of me who is seeking to undue the otherside of myself...and only my family can really deal with it with me.
This isn't for discussion. This is just my struggle right now.