Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

update of general dynamics

 Several elements ... 

1. Met a guy I kinda liked.  Really cute, fun in we talked politics and agreed a lot ) and now he is showing very low interest.  Sure he did ask me if I wanted to meet for dinner Monday, and I offered to buy...and he never called...and Joey Prudent asked me if I felt like dinner at 7:30pm and I said sure and grabbed a friend to join in...but I was mildly dissappointed.  Not gonna say that to him, just like I wasnt going to sit at home any longer waiting for his call.  Cute guy yes, but ... I know a lot of cute guys.  No need to wait by the phone.  And it worked out ... we (curt, derrick, joey and I) went to the casino boat and everyone won at least 90 bucks and we made a combined $570.
2. I am moving.  Been here for over a year and I am tired of my landlord and he is tired of me.  What do I mean?  I do pay him hibitually late.  Course I also pay the late fee.  This last time I was late cause my money goes into an account I have to go to the bank to get ( helps me not spend it as fast ) and it was Columbus day.  He said to get out.  After lossing my cats which he had a 200 dollar deposit for and kept I just decided I really dont feel like pointing out his iratic behavior anymore...the fact the he is in his 50s and his boyfriend is in his early 20s and when they break up his bf comes over and has asked twice for help moving on past my landlord.  So I think my landlord sees me as a threat and I think I have put up with his substandard mainteance and constant threats since I moved in.  He told me to move and I said fine...I am equally tired of this.  Found a lot nicer apartment for thirty bucks more a block away.
3. Jordan and I have hung out a couple or so times since he moved out.  I think we are better friends and suited as living apart.  Annoyingly I still have to say that no one since Brent has caught my attention more.  I'd rather have him as a good friend living across town than as Brent ... someone who still can't talk to me from another continent.  Jordan also unfortunately seems to be down lately.  And I still see him as a great guy and alarming to me sometimes I think I see him more awesome than he sees himself.  Hopefully time and friends will see him finding the guy I am glad to call a friend.
4. Behavior issues.  I seem to be past them.  This summer I somewhat lost it a few times and my social anxiety went into high gear.  But since I stopped taking the paxil and the zoloft I've worked out a lot better.  When they say the side effects of these drugs ... listen ... cause I was everything they warned about including my brief attempts at trying to end myself.  Yes I have issues, but we all have issues.  I just think those drugs really pushed me to the edge.  Point being, I act normal ... like I used too ... again.  I even told me mother about a plan some people put together to contact her about my behavior.  We agreed things are better and its just a matter of finding the right mix of medicine that helps and doesnt hurt.
5. Abusive Relationship.   So we met a guy named Justin tonight.  Cute, funny and better at pool than I am.  But his boyfriend Raul came by and as I was outside with Shane we saw them leaving and we yelled..."Bye Justin" only to see Raul slap him.  I watched Justin just recover and walk off with this asshole.  Justin had simply played pool with us and we enjoyed his company.  I saw a little of my past in that and thought Brent was right that we couldnt go on like that and I hoped that Justin realizes it too.  Barely know him or his situation but anytime a lover hits you ... there may be an answer to your question of how much longer you should stick with something.  Sometimes the wrong words seem to rhymn.
6. Friends. I got to express to Shane how I think he is an exceptionally stellar person.  And he has been. I was glad when he called me when he wrecked his car at 4am last Monday and I feel good that Jordan called me when he wrecked his car a month ago.  I like knowing that people I know may call me when things arent good and I am proud that I can't fix the situation but each time the people who call me find me on the scene in minutes.  Those are friends.  The people who seek your support when things arent as good as they'd like.  180 degrees I know I have people who will do the same for me.
7. Cancer. Grandma is fine.  Mom seems to be fine...she has her hair back and Dad is driving golf balls again after his removal of his bladder cancer.  All of them found these things out basically in the beginning of this year and I worried I was gonna lose one of them and it seems at this point I have the elements of strength that I look up too still.

So ...  I am excited about a new place.  I am hopeful about love and I am appreciative of the friendships I have.  Sure I want more, but I know I am better off than a lot of others and I can't ask for more ... just hope for it.  

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