Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

33.01 A NEW CHAPTER ... so I know my boyfriend ...

Tonight I had several old friends over.  People who I've gone out of my way for, people who have gone out of there way for me.  I was somewhat worried about tonight cause it was an evening with out the principles ... but ... who makes someone a principle and who figures others aren't?  A fool can see ... I had all the right people here, course I was missing at least one.  It was a good night.  I played pool and we all got drunk as I do with others ... we had no drama and I heard more than once .... thanks for inviting me over, and I couldn't tell them how much I was really glad they came.  But in all honesty ... friendship is ... being able to rely on someone and knowing they can rely on you.
Just last night I semi uninvited a person.  I bundled my frustration with others ... with him.  Tonight I was with an old roommate who I havent really hung out with in years, an old friend who remembers my brent days and a friend who called me at 3 am and said he wrecked his car and I drove down to see him...and he helped me move weeks later.  Two instances of two people helping each other ... and ... in my disappointment in others I ignored my best friend.  I had a good night.  I enjoyed my night.  But when I first started typing about my night I realized I had missed a genuine principle player in my life.  Curt ... I'm sorry.  You've been a good friend and tonight after I wasn't ... I realized a little joy was missing.
We make fun of each other.  We annoy each other.  I nag him on his driving ... his dating ... and I ignored how much he puts up with while he is around.  My night was an A.  But ... Curt ... adds the +.  I didnt plan it, I didn't seek it, but ... he is a lot of my support and I celebrated something tonight and if anyone in my life has helped and supported me and drew me to celebrate ... I owe it to him.  So I apologize for being an ass.  It was a great night, and the only thing missing was my friend.
Now that the truth is said...I did have a good night.  I was surrounded by people I like and appreciate.  We made a monday night out of nothing and it became one of my better monday's off.  The conversations over took the TV and the square table moved into a round one.  We hit the bar, I heard one friend praise the other behind her back...I smiled.  Isn't that awesome?  You have people over and when your one on one they talk about how much they like the other?  What a good night.
Tonight ... was uneventful ... other than I saw people in my presence enjoy each other and build each other up.  And I was able to sit back and think that so much of what is around me is good...and I actually had ignored...another aspect of goodness in my life. 
There are a lot of people who have entered and left my life.  Often only after they've gone do I see the worth or the cost of knowing them.  I try to be the "yes" me anytie...and if you'll find me at Shane's or Jordan's wreck day or night....ask me....and you'll find me giving you a ride to a place you need to go, ask me and I think you'll find that if we hang out ... I'll do all I can to not say No.  So I feel good about myself in this aspect.  Of course...I share blame in the lose of other friends...I make mistakes here and there.  But. I do try to go with the one I know the longest, and I try to give everyone an equal shake until I see in my own eyes something I am disappointed with.  I know I disappoint.  But I also know that at 29 I have friends who can trace our first hangout to a decade ago and while we dont talk daily...we still will fight fiercely for each other.  Happened tonight.  I needed affirmation and found it from someone who has known me since 1998.  I've held that person up when they were down, they've held me up...and sometimes we have been down together.  BUT ... isn't it rich to know that in your short lifetime you have so any people that keep proving that a hand print on your heart can carry on decades?  Damn I am rich.  Damn I am a fool sometimes.  Just know ... IF WE ARE REALLY FRIENDS ... I'M CHANGED BY YOU AND I WILL SHOW RESPECT TO WHAT WE HAVE BECOME....sometimes late, but at least at somepoint and for good.
We all have aquaintances.  They aren't people we can rely on.  Either proven or just matter how long you know someone, you have to ask yourself how they've shown themselves.  Don't fog your friends with long time people who aren't your friends.  Sometimes it helps to look up obvious words you know and reconcile them to the definition. ... so ... here goes:
Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis.

Wow....thats a friend?  :-)  Consistent?  Shares esteem...welcome each others company!  I can think of a few who are out of that mix.  More importantly ... I can see a few who fit that I didn't think were friends.  Isn't that sad?  It is time to be an adult.  I have a good job, a nice apartment ... and before I can have a good romantic relationship I need to manage the people around me.  Friends need to be aware they are special and aquaintences need to know they have friends some where else.
So ... in conclusion.:-)  Life is great, and it is enhanced when we surround ourselves with good people.  Sometimes the familiar shouldn't be there and sometimes you realize someone isn't familiar(a negative term for those just around you)...but...a genuine force in your life that helps you move towards your goals.   My friends inspire me to be better.  My friends help remind me of what is good ad selfless.  Honestly ... a person's worth is only proven by their friends.  At least in my eyes...plenty of people have money and probably few of them have as many people I do to turn too.  So ... who is rich?  Collect all the "success" as you want ... but I'll count my relationships with others as ten times whatever is in anyone's bank account.  We seem to all get screwed up on what is real.  People ... or money which people created.  I'll take a life surrounded by consistent trust and mutual loyalty looking forward to one anothers company over monetary crap.  And ... I'll pitty the rest as I kinda already do a few people I've known for sometime who are completely small minded here.  If your happy and honest with strangers more than the people you have known for years ... then maybe you and I have a difference in what is worth attention.  I've lost people on my way but for those I haven't ... I think I am honest ... so lets bring it on.  Cause while I was a stray a while back I kinda see what I used too ... today.  And I am proud I see the worth, loyalty, trust, mutual ... the same hope to find wealth in people around me.  Those are my friends.  The rest ... who don't see friendship as the best comodity ... I'll ignore.
So what are you?  How do I see you?  My friend(someone I've learned to rely on and support) aquaintance(just another face in front of me I know?) ex(a demonstration of my failed attempts to find more than friends) boyfriend(the one friend I want to elevate to the highest point in my life) family(the people who by birth are supportive) enemy(the people I dread seeing)....the undecided(people I haven't put into a category).  

Maybe I'm crazy?  But then 90% of people believe in a higher being and in this country the vast amount believe in a guy named Jesus Christ who said "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."(John 15:13).

I feel so sure of myself right now.  So ... aware of what is important (relationships) and so poised to build and grow upon my expanse to becoming who I want to be.  A night with friends ... the realization I missed a friend tonight and tomorrow is the family day.  See ... when the cable guy walked in today he said " you have a nice crib here" and I really feel it....I see it.  So long I lived in what I didn't like...and I have what I don't like.  Your environment really says a lot about you.  And right now I am taking pride in the present.  I am confident....and with friends and family...I'm ready for the next step.

Hope your surrounded by good people, and ... don't take good for granted.  I just found my boyfriend.  Not in person but in theory.  My next BF will be 33.01 he'll be my friend.  The best friend who I'll disagree with sometimes and argue with but at the end we will know that he can rely on me and I can rely on him and nothing is more important than just me and him.  Can't wait to meet this new guy.  The guy I'll be glad to lay my life down for.  Tall order?  Sure.  But I am confident and I wont settle for less at this point.  Me and my boyfriend will be .... and we will make good things.  Either in our arguements, maybe in our kisses, maybe in our faults, maybe in who we become because we know the other and each other's influence simply creates a desire to be the best person we can.  We all make mistakes, and I will and he will....but as long as we have the value that each other are the most important thing......we will work out.

So bring it!  LIFE .... MORE LIFE!

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