Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

33.02 Change was my enemy.

33 is a fast chapter.  This is the 2nd part and last part.  Read the thoughts on friendship below if you want or skip to the cheery end of 33 at the bottom of this posting with the heading 33.02 ends.  :-) .... oh, and a quick note- I'm not seeking comments on this.  I've thought it over and this is just what it is. 

A change....on my own account.  An old friend/love of mine accused me of being afraid of change.  Another person who's opinion means a lot to me told me that I needed new friends.  I have new hair, a new apartment...which has changed a lot of my out look...I love my new place and I feel fine pushing for the changes that have been missed in my life.  I'd have a new job if one of my "friend" had his say...and one of our mutual friends would have me to bow to the words ... " Do you like your job?  Do you want to keep your job?"  While no one will admitt to these words ... I know who said them ... 
Further a dear friend defended and continues to side with this "friend" and has nothing better to do than message me by email, showing me pictures of myself with critical statements.  I am a Leo.  Look it up ... Loyalty is a prime aspect of my life.  So I have no plans to speak to either of them, lets face it ... in the flesh they've proven to me that I have no interest in being friends with them.  One ... is only capable of satelite friendships ... only seeking subservent people.  I still haven't forgiven them for when my apartment was flooded and I knew they were awake and they turned me down to sleep on their dry floors.  And now someone I called my best friend is too busy thinking what he can get from that person and what sex he may gain from those that he spins off as he always has ... perfect satelite friend.

I'm changing and I like it.  And as part of that ... just cause I've known you for years doesn't mean I should be "friends" with you.  And if your priority is to be a satelite friend subservent of that guy doesn't mean I need to be your friend.  I haven't talked about this yet, I've let six days go forward ... but ... after these days to think ... I know ... Yes I have been afraid of others I don't know.  I stick with what I expect even when I'd never be that person to a friend.  I've built too many "friendships" on simply how long someone has known me.  Even when they failed me in the first place, and ... have shown a pattern of neglect and unconsistent actions.  Why am I friends with someone just because of longevity?  When I can look back at it and simply be upset with them?  Thats about now.  I just don't like someone and I have my reasons.  I can't hide my feelings when I am drunk...I dislike someone simply because of who they are and not by any action.  Thus ... I'm not rash to be upset with them, I'm only an idiot if I allow myself to continue to hide the distaste I have for someone and the fact I have little to nothing to say about them after years of knowing them.  Sure ... I saw as I did when I first meet them ... a potential for good, but consistently they've shown themselves to be a person I do not want to know.  No names ... point being, I'm trying to make changes ... trying to build a life I like.  A life that makes me what I suspected and what I was told tonight ... a life that makes a person ... who is husband material.  I've had great times in my past.  I cheerish many times that others would look down on ... but I grew from them ... and this is my time to grow more than I have ever grown in all these years.  Realizing that just cause I've known them for a long time ... doesn't mean, I should be there friends.  Growing also includes closing the doors to people that don't take the time to know me and understand me ... growing means, focusing on those who've been mutually beneficial who are consistent and who I can offer support too and who I can rely upon on for support.
At this point I want to say for one reason or the other I don't see you as the help or support to build me up to becoming the person I want to be.  I know this all sounds negative but I see it positive.  I am not saying anything in name about anyone ... all I am saying, is that right now I feel charged and poised to continuing my quest that I abandoned a few years ago to become the best person I can be.  We all meet people on the way and due to my fear of cutting off others I've allowed myself to drag others that don't really want to see their friends become all they can be.  I have dead weight ... I carry ... I've carried, for too long.  And all I ask is the chance to find the better Matt Leffler which I think doesn't include some.  I wish the guys the best, and I hope they find the path to happiness.  I think I have ... and I think, to follow it I have to unload a few people in my life.  I want to be happy, I want to find what genuinely will make me happy and I don't think that we share the same goals and I don't think we share the same joy in seeing our friends being happy.  
So seriously ... for the first time in many years I'm stepping out of the comfort of the same old, world that I know and I can expect.  What I've seen and come to expect tells me that there is more out there, and you can't help me ... and me being around only delays my ascent to becoming all I want to be and delays me from finding the joy in my friends and the support that fuels my hopes for those around me.
Good bye to you.  I've loved and I've asked for your friendship before and now ... all I ask for is your space.  Let me either climb to the height I think I'll hit without you, or let me fall without you.  Either way ... I have no plans for you in my personal life.
Let's build upon mutually supportive and consistent relationships that have shown that they help each of us with out personal agenda.  
Special note ... I pity one of my old best friends.  He is content to be a "satelite friend" only revolving around a source of gravity that will end up displacing him ... in the end, the selfish find new prey who only too invested ... see the smoke and mirrors of their friendship.  I did.  
I still value you and I can only hope at this point to miss you.  You've demonstrated your lack of loyalty to me ... someone who genuinely wanted good for you.  But you were blinded by the quark ... of another ... that rubs off so easily.  You know who you are as you read this ... I love you, but I don't want to talk to you right now because we have different self worth perspectives.  I don't need our mutual friend to be happy and I've found I'm actually a lot more peaceful with him not around.  You all see me, as being a guy who gets mad so easily ... but I want to point out that when we subtract a someone ( which I am to blame for carrying him ) all my rage in years ends with those I am romantically connected too ... and even these people have told me to shake that figure lose.  Even the ones I fought with saw enough to tell me to make a better life for myself without someone.  It is just time to move on.
I'll say to the end, I love my friends.  When one consistently shows his disrespect for your friendship with noncommittal statements, disregard for your !dreams!, threats to your current life and an expectation that you'll change your life and schedule for them when they won't show you any empathy when they know you are sensitive to an issue.  I'll miss who I once thought I knew, but I can't stay around for the continued disappointments about them, their lack of trust for me ... but that I confided in them.  Secretive isn't an aspect of my friendships.  I value those around me and I know I don't have all the answers and thats why I say everything about myself to my friends, I seek their counsel and I can't do that with someone who can't confess so much about their lives.  I'm tired of learning about them while talking to a stranger.  I felt stupid when someone I talked too ... compared notes and I had nothing to say back.  It's just an example ... if you don't trust me then you don't need to tell me about your life, and then I shouldn't tell you about mine cause you don't see me as good a friend as I saw you.  
I'll be happy.  I will succeed if I don't have people around me who listen to my thoughts and my struggles but don't share those thoughts of their own with me.  I'll find a good life if I write off those who are just around because of time.  Friendship is more than time spent together, friendship also includes a level of trust ... which must go both ways.  Also ... regarding the mutual friends, when they consistently pick another over you ... you have to assume one of two things is true.  Either your old friend has found a place they trust more than you to be themselves and lower their defenses ... this friend ... that isn't me ... or they are just misleading another person.  .............................................................
FOR THE SAKE OF MY OLD FRIEND AND FOR THE SAKE OF MY BEST FRIEND ... I hope they simply have built a bond I never fourged with either of them.  I'd rather hope they are just closer together than I could become, because this would make them both human.  Both people who don't chose who their hearts confide in ... men who have built real friendships that I tried and failed to create with them.  

I have to do stuff.  I don't have time for others growing and others discovering what friendship is ... I'm old enough to want more and I now expect it.  I am looking for the first time in many years at others who've been around for the same amount of time but, due to my loyalty to the original few ... I've ignored several who have shown themselves to be worth all my attention.  I think I've focused on substandard friendships cause thats what I'm used too, and I've looked past the chances that I've been given with others.   I could be to blame, I've held to those I know ignoring there actions and ignoring that maybe they really don't have any intention of keeping me as their friend.  Maybe they aren't assholes but I've been a burden?  That ends now. 

So right now, I'm continuing a grand change in voyage ... I'm following my dreams and surrouding myself with people that make me happy.  And, just as last night ... my Friday found me looking at friends who called me first, and who ... I hope I've shown that in any time of need I'd be there ... and I kinda think thats why the night went so well.  Cause they know that, and I feel they'd do the same.  So why discuss this all????   I'm happy.  I look around and I see people I like and I appreciate, people I put up a christmas tree ... thinking they'd see it.  Cause I wanted them at my house and they'd want to be here.  Oddly, that is a different feeling then I've felt from the people I HAD spent my time with.  Now I feel I can do things with others in mind and I can share these experiences with them.  But AGAIN I shouldn't and it is wrong for me to dislike the old principles in my life....the old Lieutenants, I know that sounds like I think of them as my subordinate ... but to me, I see my friends as Lieutenants and I hope they see me as the same in their life.  Your the chief person concerned with yourself and then their are your Lieutenants and I call some that title cause I mean to say I trust them to treat me as best as anyone would...and I hope that I can be the same to them.

I almost feel guilty that the two I am talking about were the two I went for my birthday to my favorite city.  I was removed from a bad situation and time in my life by them two that weekend.  But while I was saved by their actions ... I don't believe they acted on my behalf, each had their own agendas which they feed and sought through knowing me and going to Chicago.  What seemed a group activity ended up being only an accuse for them to follow and find there own opportunity and I was nothing more than a catalyst to help them build their own plans.  No selfless appreciation for a friend.  Just an excuse to hide their own expectations.

I have friends who call me, and I say yes when I have nothing to gain ... other than the knowledge that they got what they wanted.  No specifics...this isn't about that.  This is simply an explanation why my key friends have changed so suddenly.  I can't gain any thing from here ... the people I am talking about hopefully see that I'm happy with out them and I hope they are happy with out me.  And this serves as an example of how I am growing and prepared to make changes that are beneficial to my life and not stick to what I know ... simply cause I know how well we will disappoint each other.

Dancing on ... through life.  With people I care about and who seem to care about me and a moment look back and those I hope will be as happy without me as I am without them.  WooHoo!  Lets all just get on and realize what we want and find it in those around us!  Good luck to the rest I'm sure others can be what I can't.   Sometimes being a friend is knowing when it is time to let go of the other.  I am ready to that, cause I don't think we have much more to offer each other.  This is a chapter in our lives that is done.  

:-)  As I normally do ... lets take lines from a song here, dedicated to a few friends.....: "Keep the love that keeps us strong.  A chapter in your life is done, but we will keep you close as always.  Friends don't say never cause the welcome does not end.  Though its hard to let you go, a lifetime's not to long to live as friends."

This is hopefully my last message to these friends.  I dont think we need to concern ourselves any further with each others journal.  It is simply time to let each other go. 

33.02 Ends a Chapter of Discovery and Discussion.

So went out with some friends tonight to Q.  Didn't do much more than I usually do, but I did it differently.  I showed up with a person whose opinion I sincerely value and have been listening too.  

Played the darts, and billards, drank and laughed with people who called and texted before I got there.  People I would have called and texted before I got there if they hadn't beaten me.  Walked in with someone I genuinely respect and someone I like a lot.  
Had dinner out, watched a DVD with and welcomed their brief appearance at the bar.  I do have to say I question some of his personal direction but who can't find someone to question our own direction?  

I think his name was Doug?  Beat me at darts, with Colin and Shane and another guy behind my score...(I lost by 2 points thank you) ... got to talk to others I enjoy.

Previously today got a "hair cut".  Just enough to control my 4 month growing out experience and was able to keep a perception that I am changing the way my hair is for the first time since 1998.  

Put up my christmas tree.  It has 1000 lights, with an additional 200 in the room to compliment the decor.  It was discribed by a biased individual ( not me ) as the hottest tree out of the 1980s.  :-)  I think tacky trees are the rule....the tackier the better.

Can't wait to show it off, already discussed an Xmas/Misc. party for later in the month with another friend at the bar.
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