Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

34:07 Promises and my past few months....then the night

***Disclaimer - the following includes speculative statements concerning my perception of several relationships and events that include very little formal training and are built upon simple educated gut feelings by someone who only has 90 hours towards a degree in public relations. Also I tried to place three embedded media items into this and Live Journal fucked them all up. Forgetting one and then losing half my entry. So I reinserted my entry...and there is just one embedded item so lets hope this sticks. I'd rather my hearts words stood than the commercialized media.(Um...reinserted and it Jumped up at the bottom. The song goes with the beginning. Sorry. Thanks Live Journal!" Like Matt from another day made a perfect retrospective play list for me today. I messaged the one I kinda feel like I wronged and he didn't respond. I know he had to have gotten it cause he and I were online on the same site and I received no response. I feel like my original failure wasn't the final blow to him, but that I was dating someone else who seemed to not want me to talk to him ... and I stopped. And as any one who tries to force you to ignore important forces of your past, he was gone ... and ... for the first time in a decade so was the one I had made that promise too. Years pass ... and the one that seemed to require the cutting of those ties has long been gone, and the one who I cut also has been gone. People seem to cut ties in two situations. Either out of weakness due to external forces ( bad idea ) and due to strength and confidence in their own self worth ( good plan ). Basically broken down ... you cut off someone of worth cause you didnt step up against someone else, or you cut off someone cause you feel good about yourself. Brandon I owe so much of an apology too. This is the only person who attempted to give me a peice of his soul to get me to carry him to the end of time, and vice versa. Weirdly ... six months ago I was basically at the end of my rope, figurative and on one morning actually. I can talk about this easily now, thus I will. I remember one night recently a guy walked up to me and said so how are you doing? I heard you weren't doing to good. I was drunk and in a group of others...and in a jovial way, I responded ... " You mean when I was trying to kill myself? I'm past that now." The group wasn't ready for that, nor was the asker ... but I have to say ... I am kinda lucky that I was at that point, cause those around me at that time also weren't. With in a period of 5 weeks or so I had unsuccessfully tried to kill myself, each time failing ... but each time getting closer and better. First try breaking a cieling fan in an attempted "test" hanging ... second a totally ineffective over dose, and finally ... taking every pill I could find, and waking up to vomit everywhere thinking that it was my roommates until I realized it was twenty hours later and to vomit started in my bed and lead into other rooms. At that moment I realized that for the first time in my life...I had apparently been moving and acting trying to throw up in the bathroom from my room with no higher cognitive function. No memory, no realization ... just sedated brain functions and animalistic lower brain function attempts of purging what was bad. Waking up the next day to discover my messy decision ... waking up and discovering my state of being simply alone. My cry for help or my attempt of ending what I was no longer content with dealing with ... the wellbutrin, paxil, and zoloft didn't numb my distaste for an underline sadness...that night...they helped press it and the "friends" were yet again absent. Sorry but I kinda have to say that looking back previous to this the support the interest of others was absent. The flooded apartment and denial of refuge, the loss of the strongest love of my life and careless disregard of others, the multiple family members in my life facing bad situations of cancer, the loss of financial control ... and ... the real lack of compassion the dissassociation of needed friendship ... all lead to me finding that my stock was invested in non-return individuals. I made some stupid decisions and it lead to me downing every pill I could find ... and in these instances, the only reason I didnt do myself in was my own stupidity, not the caring hand of those I trusted. So I stopped the zoloft. I stopped the paxil and the wellbutrin ... I tried to take my own life into my hands, and not trust it to a colored pill. Seriously I had to have known underliningly what I was thinking to continue to seek this and that help from a doctor's perscription. I should have been a classic case of losing it. Heck even some guy who reads my journal who didn't know me at the time left a sobering yet still unhelpful negative comment on my journal that I shouldn't date but seek medical attention. But for me ... the difference was made. The pills have been ignored (walgreens has a crap load of refills available with no desire from me) and I've grown extremely in recent months to the point that I have pride again and in that pride. I have changed and realigned who I want to see on my nights off. I've found myself called to the side of others in their hard times and I've put my clothes on and in multiple situations looked at someone and told them at the scene that it will be all right, and that I'm there and we can do this. And those people kinda helped me cause I think personality wise I need to be needed, I thrive with people who have out of the blue called to me to help them with no benefit to myself...and I like answering those calls. I guess ... some people made me feel needed when those I needed made me feel ignored? I stopped taking the drugs that would hide my dispair and rather I faced those issues. I improved my life and found myself feeling pride in my existence. And that lead to another action: For the first time in a couple years ... I was sincerely taking pride in myself. I feel good about where I am, I feel charged and I am not on anti depressants. It isn't a day to day struggle. It is a day to day feeling of confidence. Instead of being prone to anger at the bar with others, I saw myself ready to enjoy the time and situations of others. The best lesson I learned after Brent ditched me ... was from my DUI counseling ... which we connected to my experience there ... a formerly confident guy losing it all, searching for affirmation from others and filling that lose with booze and reckless behavior. Landing in jail twice and in counseling. Watching these addicts and coming to a realization that y issue wasn't drinking, but self worth ... which was a first for me cause for so many years I'd built so much confidence and seemingly lost it when I moved from the Carsyle and that lifestyle and losing more when I dated Brent. Wasn't his fault but at that moment I was already pointed down and I couldnt wrap myself around the idea that he wanted me and the paranoia grew to a self fullfilling aspect and only further lead to a greater destruction of self worth. Is it my growing confidence that has allowed me to cut off communication with others? POINT? I lost my direction and many people around whether they had known me a long time or a short time didn't see my continuing loss of personal altitude. At least I assume they didnt recognize it, otherwise if they did ... they really failed me, lets hope for some self gain otherwise...for nothing. Then the fog cleared. The persciptions simplified and the hurt was faced ... but at this point, I realized the path I chose was y own fault and totally attackable and the people around who were bystanders became my enemy. I looked at this close friend and that one and couldn't see where they had let me fall so far. I realize in one entry in this journal I pointed out this song "Let Me Fall Cirque Du Soleil" ... but sometimes even then we need others. And I doubt those around heard that absolution. I was so focused on my declining self ... and they stood back to allow it ... and now ... luckily ... I feel like Mike Huckabee. Recently I've made decisions to cut off with almost all the central people around during my descent into self exploration. Some of these figures weren't really hard to adapt to a lose of ... I mean, it is pretty easy to pave over someone who you have learned not to expect much from. Harder is to replace the time you spent with someone a lot, but it is easier when you know they weren't around when you were happy and that there loyalty isn't your happiness. Perhaps due to there own destructive behavior. Maybe we are drawn to people who are equally displaced by their vision and desire for themselves and their distaste for reality? I do remember in my counseling sessions for my DUI the big grand puuba of knowledge ... telling me ... when your happy with yourself you'll attract people siply because of that. Taking it another step further ... maybe while we are upset with ourselves we attract people who aren't happy with themselves as well? Maybe thats why they don't see you at your ends ... because they are on the same spiral? So then we have to make a triage decision ... do we become self aware of our situation and want to improve, and notice our friends? Or do we pull up and save ourselves. But when you find your on the wrong way how do you see others ways as being wrong? Same can be applied to being happy and not realizing your friend is hurting as I have passed judgement on already in this entry. I guess what is best is what is known to you and when you feel good and you feel your better off without others ... you gotta pursue it. An oldy that makes me think about this is .... (Ignore the video and pictures) Conclusion: - = I don't know all the PSY aspects of this world or relationships. But what I do know is: Sometimes we are picked up by the people around us, and sometimes they save us. And sometimes we are lifted up by something else and we cut ties, cause ... the times we spent together aren't the future we want for ourselves. I don't hate, I wish the best ... but I feel good for the first time in awhile and I don't want around me elements that bring to mind hardship and disdain. Straight up ... I don't hate Derrick and Curt, but I don't associate them to where I want to be in the future. I'm fine showing cordial warmth but I have bigger plans for myself than what I think they see for me and I really feel strongly still that I'm happier and better focused with minimal contact and the expectation that I can't rely on them. At least from where I stand there is love, but one that doesn't include an expectation of consitency. Why does it matter to me to think about it now? Cause I have believed in a culture of inclusion and I'm not good at letting go...but I'm learning a new lesson. And bring it back to the beginning ... you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself. And ... while I whine a lot about Brent, I forget the real promise I made and built with Brandon ... the only other human that I stood next to and claimed to love for three years, and ... who I failed. Has he made the decision to let me go? Or do I need to force my way back? ...then the night: (don't worry I am getting tired and bored with typing now) I looked up one of my favorite songs that reinds me of a goal and of happiness. Canon in D minor. I searched youtube for Canon in D ... and the first hit was the same title but "major" and as an old musician who played the song for years I immediately scoffed ... it's in D minor. MINOR. Sorry but to listen to a song titled Major when it is a minor scale is just too much for me. I hate that the first thing that pops up is some crap that says major ... to me it says ... "I don't know music or the song." BUT ... Had a good Monday night. Found myself on the couch watching TV then minutes later on my way to Lexington. Telling multiple friends I approve of their boys ... by phone and in person. Then launching onto the Lexington scene ... at a cute moment tonight I was asked if I saw anyone I liked ... and I was like "That boy, that one, that one or that one." Pointing each time and ending in my friends laughing. Finally looking across the room and noticing a cute boy who winked at me. I glance back to demonstrate I noticed but don't wink cause I worry I'll look foolish ... what if he wasn't looking at me? Then my friends were at the bathroom door and so was the boy. So I walked over, talked to the friends....turn and talk to the boy....and in 3 minutes am making out with the boy in the bathroom. He says ... which could be real, but "If I told you I think I am already in love with you would you think I am stupid?" I look in the eyes and reply "Your either perfect for me and we are set for life, or using a tired line." Night progresses and I simply progress to a different bathroom and lock with this guy and make out and hands move here and there and he says what he says and I pull away ... pointing out the unsanitary bathroom environment and he points out his undieing devotion and I close back in and pull away in a few minutes. Ravaged, but guarded ... I say ... lets move on from tonight, lets make a date and lets get back to the world...and he says I wont call him so this is the moment, and I get his number and call him and then ... as he is moving to unbutton my pants, I leave the bathroom and tell him ... I will call. We'll see. But I don't think he felt love. But he was very cute. I will admitt that.

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