Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

can't fight the world

Just a quick note ... yet again ...

Sitting here as Colin passes out and can't respond to my discussion...I'll point out.  There are peoples that I try to pass off as non important aspects of my life .... but as I pay music from my myspace and watch the slideshow I pick to play I see common themes that end up building to someone in my life ... that I try and play to hate ... and then I hear music I pick and I watch pictures I choose ad I kinda realize ... how I try to dislike someone and how someone ... has continued to be an extreme central part of my my life ... in music and obviously in pictures.  I discount them and find multiple songs I atribute to them ... and I watch the pictures and they show up, and I ignore the next song and how they play a part in that song and I look at pictures and realize even when they aren't in the pictures I used their camera and I suggest to myself how I try to distance myself and obviously can't do so with out ignoring a lot of my good memories ... I kinda get pissed and wish I had the courage to move somewhere else cause then I could find myself with out them in each picture or the reason for the picture or the cause for the song.  

Just gotta find my own grove and I look at my past grove and I can't seem to find a theme without it ... semi-disturbing.  Wont admitt it but, how do you stay in the same place and think  your moving on without them when you apparently define yourself by them?  

Good guy ... but more so ... I feel like I need to move and build a life for myself that I don't sit back and find myself in my past.

This is public cause no one is mentioned and it isnt my purpose to call anyone out anymore...if your intelligent enough to catch the flow then you catch the discussion ... and even if you catch the name you wont catch the inner tracks that lead to the same spot that my mind has created.  I need to move on, as I listen to the music and watch the pictures I see .... I really am ... in the past and my future seems to include someone I try to grow away from and ... they are obviously still in about each step.

Getting an idea of myself from watching myself here.


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