Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

just me

so Selena and I are at home now ... and American Psycho's title menu was playing and I figured I'd tell her ... ( and now you too ) truthfully ... I've had reocurring dreams where I feel compelled to kill people who are of low standard.  And so I told Selena you think I am kidding but Derrick knows I have these dreams.  I do.  Never killed anyone but I will admit the incidents (not people anymore) kinda deserve it.  FYI Collin bought me my favorite movie for Xmas ... so thoughtful.   Course ... ask him what it was.  One of my favorite sitcoms is on Showtime and I can't wait for the next exact of judgement.  

I know this all sounds crazy but I have to say I have never killed anyone and when I read about the greyhound killing  I seriously almost threw up.  I searched on the BBC on CNN on MSNBC and CNC.  A senseless killing ... of a cute boy.  I told so many people because it made me feel powerless to stop evil.  And then ... I can see why people take this route.   Not this guy ... he was wacked ... but why a guy kills the man who sexuall touched his son.  Why a mother can shot the person who strangled her daughter.   If I were on that bus ... as I walked off ... I'd have killed that man, knowing canada doesnt have the death penalty.  I'd have killed him and enjoyed it because he deserved it.  

Sweeny toad comes to mind ... with my friends " Nothing's gonna harm you ... not while I'm around." is the idea I have.  Even for the ones I like .. ask David Doyle how many people I fucked up for him?  He'd say none.

all honesty now.... the last line of my crazy posting was .... from something you can get bonus points for figuring out.  Most of what I said was designed to make that one sentence make sense.  Honestly it talks about a friend of mine and another.  One who doesnt want me to like him but I do ... and one about a guy I originally thought was just like me .... and a guy I found more about ... and looked at him in private and said "  XXXX your a bad man" and it wasnt a joke.  I miss him...or the idea of him cause at this point I have NO respect for him.  He seems to have the same manner and personality as me yet ... he has no moral lines to cross.   

If you are wondering if I am talking about you ... ask "did Matt call you and tell you I think your still mad at me call me when want."  If so ... then I see you as the ying to me ... the yang.  I didnt apologize ... I have NO need too ... you made me lie to someone for you about your sex life.  Same culture yet ... not looking out for other's good.  So sorry the profession you picked.  Only saying this out now ... cause seriously ... you disturbe me more than my dreams.  You seem to be the one in them. 

........ side note .... Selena is having her way with someone in the living room and I am left to DJ and drink.  Alone.  Which .... no offense to anyone, but I've come very happy with this and used to it since April 2006.

The first song was Da BUzz (of course ... Let me love you tonight)  next .... a new one I love .... (Johanna in this one I see myself as the slayer of the evil me)  Seriously ... I am talking to YOU.  We used to be best friends, able to talk about anything right?  I'd go to your class mock trail and play the part you gave me.  I'd come over after work when you told me and we looked up a stupid house.  And ... I swear ... I felt no sexual attraction to you, but I felt so close to you ... cause I saw what I thought of myself in my best years in you.   Not charmiong and charismatic ... but ... a real mover and a real believer.  

But in time ... I felt so ... ignorant.  So like ... I gave away all the keys to my mind and you hide all of yours.  Honestly ... we had nothing sexual .... but each time we talk now .... I feel cheated.  I feel like I was so open and so honest and so fourth coming about every facet of myself.  

And IF you wonder when we seperated paths .... I leaned over to you one night at Q.  I said ... I am out of money .... buy me a beer.  You said ... dont we ask with please?  And I said ... no you've been lieing to me.

Sounds stupid ... but ... I've had boyfriends.  I've loved.  I don't think you have.  But....I saw you and believed in you, and it wasnt sexual and I am so disappointed.  Say the police are about to arrest you ... GUESS ... who will ask for your phone and argue to get it ... cause I need it to get you out.  And then ... I ask you over and you ... ignore.  "I may not be smart but I aint dumb. I never hide a thing from you like some."

How do we trust our boyfriends and how should I trust my firends?  Norton Healthcare did a study on all of us and told us ... and it said ... I am candid very quick with others for the greater aspect of the team.  I want to ask ... beyond my yelling ever ... oh so ... ever often ... even asking shane ... how often am I selfish looking to gain from others?  How often do I lie to people to better myself.

So ... all I can say ... I may have done in your eyes a bitchy thing ... but ... I will never apologize to you cause, I feel you failed me.  You didnt see me and you made me think as you seem to anyone else ... your just like them.  Only difference here ... is that I never had self interest, and you couldn't fake that. 

point being ... ( I know it is MY phrase isn't it?)   you may hate me now ... but I am more pissed that I trhought we were more than friends.....I thought we were best friends.  Night Chris.  I'd have moved heaven and earth for you...more than any lover I had.  


So I message him on text.  To let him know he was the subject of my latest rambling.  And he said ... " Okay. And?" .....  and I told him ... the obvious, I am only telling him cause I had enough thought to wonder if I was a fool.

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