Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

new matt

So in past messages I've proposed I'm trying to make a new Matt.  And ... now that I'm 165 pounds from a fat 185 I have to say ... I have no plans to stop.  I feel very confidant about myself and I plan to conquer and ... not sleep around, rather ... find a person who I can worry for and who wil worry about me ... and I';ll take care of him and he can take care of me.  Point being ... 185 Matt was a sloopy mess ... the New Matt can wear the express small sizes and still work towards more.  I believe this or the confidence is what will bring me to the next level.

Bring it.  Cause I feel I look good, and I have further goals beyond it.   I'm sitting here in a white v neck under shirt (small) and a pair of tight Express pin strip slacks with my highlighted hair and my blue blue contacts.  And I am turning 30 in days ... but I'm not a drug addict and I have a damn good job with a cute apartment and I look at myself in the mirror now and for the first time in 2 years ... I see myself.  The person I am inside is coming out, he made crazy, he may be what ever others think ... but ... this is almost who I want to be.  

Annoying.  Isn't it?  You live your life through 18 to 26 and never stop to realize that the person you will be is a person who tries to recapture himself when he didnt care.  Vanity ... sweet vanity ... I worship thee, and ask thee to consume and guide me, not just now but from here on.  At 26 you think your the one, and you move on and lose it....go simi crazy and lose that confidence that others found so attractive ... and on your 30th birthday you endeavor to lose x amount of weight ... and then more.  Seriously ... so many will not grasp this movement.  Your either before it, or you missed it.  I feel I saw it.  It is almost religious.  Yes I am drunk, and I am on adderall and wellbutrin, but .... my madness is nothing more than an awakening of confidence and self determination.  

Even my ringtone is on par now ... "Kyrie for the Magdalene" It has become an ordanement of god to eclipse my later twneties in my thirties and to return a total disregard to those who underestimated me in my latest times.  I seriously have people in mind, and for once ... I'll keep them to myself.  But know now, that I am powerful and growing.  Crazy maybe ... but isnt anyone on the beginning of a journey that others thought impossible crazy?  I do love my friends ... but I don't think they saw what I was and what I can be ... and now ... it is up to me to proceed and to reconquer.

( disclaimer: If you want to feel like this take 300 mg of wellbutrin a day an d 20 mg of Adderall with a bottle of spanish Rioja.  Also find yourself close to claiming the lose of 20% of your weight, knowing that each day your actions bring you closer to your personal goal)

annoyingly ... this is all for myself and required before I can accept my newest friends and before I move on to another love.  I have an image and a need to be who I feel and who I see in the mirror before anyone really gets accepted. 

sobrity later suggested i make this at least....friends only.  .....  crazy fuck. 

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