I know I write a lot of drunk messages venting my frustations of the night and most of them are unfounded. But ...
Lets say you go out with a friend of yours ... he drives, of course he drove he always drives and you reward that with buying him drinks all the time and telling him that he is someone you want around when your having fun. Then tonight .... your looking for him at the bar. Friends tell you that he is looking for you and you wish them well. Then you get a text telling you that he has accidently left with someone. His car is still here and thats what you've been looking at for some time ... but no driver, no keys. So you walk the TWENTY blocks home. Guess what a sane person would do??? Probably the same thing a drunk would do. First call him and explain to him how this was VERY poor form. Then you hang up. Call him back ... he doesn't answer .... and recall when he was mad at Chris he started a campaign to get people on his side ... so you call EVERYONE in your phone and express to them the happenings of the night.
You also call your friend back to inform Brandon B that you are planning to punch him in the face. Cause he knew everything and he also is to blame. Your not going to hit your now soon to be ex friend cause you already know he will soon find it pretty lonely and that obviously Brandon B isn't going to hang out with him every night but that he is simply the flavor for the night. So he has actually ended up pretty sorry off. And ... Brandon B ( the stupid ugly mixed guy (just saying it so he knows it is him. Have enjoyed other mixed guys before but this is demographic, I am seriously laying down a warning... ) Regarding Brandon B ... I am taking this as an equal discare for myself and giving you equal blame for why I just walked home from Seventh and Main street to Park street and ... I dont give a shit about you, never have ... not either of us fault, I just never talked to you long enough to care. Therefore ... I am going to punch you. Mark my words. This would in fact be considered a threat, except ... I really mean it. Brandon B the only way you will avoid a punch from me ... designed to bust your nose .... is if you are with your Boyfriend .... my friend. That way I know you did what you did out of interest for someone and I can appreciate that ... but if you don't start dating .... watch out.
Got to do this ... otherwise people wont respect you. I respect myself adn thats why my friend should enjoy a life with out me and Brandon B should expect a punch in the face.
What is rather weird is how previous spats that were my fault lead other friends to say "So this means we don't have to hang out with xxxxxx?" I am prepared to say that is a YES. Most of his social appeal was graced by me. He doesn't think so, but ... we shall see. I wont be fighting a guy off him next time. Cause ... loyalty seems to be lost. And loyalty to friends is one of the top rules in my life. So good luck, he's made his choice hasn't he? Be loyal to a friend and show your friend your there for them. And if your friend ignores you ... you are the only one to blame for allowing it.
And really .... I'm serious. This is a question of respect for myself. People will think this is okay if you allow it. But you let others know ... If we hang out then I expect a heads up before you leave.
This issue is closed. If I see my ex friend out I'll be cordial and say hello and excuse myself. If I see Brandon B. I'll hit him unlease he apologizes for being a total cunt. No more discussion.
I have to say ... as a former baptist. I keep seeing, when you put your faith in people and not something or someone actually divine that you may not be able to touch but once held you in your dark moments. Someone who you could thank for a miracle ... who you've replaced with Karma. Someone who was there and who you've decided against and looked towards someone else ... you'll always find and feel disappointed. Be it the christain ex boyfriend, (no offense but we already discussed this) the coworker you do still love and wish the most for, or the countless friends who you'd always run to in there need ... who didn't seem to care later. Maybe I need to become a new thing ... a gay christian ... not an ex christian who is gay. Thats actually a big difference ... one of meaning ... and one of being alone. I'm better off in a team, thats why I love friends. Seriously ... as a baptist I didnt have acceptance but I did have support. Now I have acceptance but no support. Am I Gay ... or am I an ex Baptist ... they dont have to be the same thing.
Am I really looking for a loyal friend and upset I cant find it or am I upset once upon a time I did feel I had the loyalty and it was with Him. Seriously ... I used to lead bible studies and pray for the most ordinary things and feel joy when he delievered and I sang in the choir and Valley View Baptist Church now some weird stupid name but just as equally unattentative to the fact I don't think God wants gays to turn themselves into something he didn't make them. But I still sit back with all the 20 years of education and the past ten years say that I should move on and view it as stupid ... but the past ten years have not fullfilled me like I was when I was 16. What did I lose? God.
Maybe I am looking for someone like me who is seeking the same connection. But I seem too stupid and prideful and I keep putting my faith in individuals.
I'd love to return to Valley View and feel that they were wrong. But I would want a friend and I don't think I have one of those around. Someone willing to seek out more than they can see. I still remember my favorite hymn. I seriously am hurt right now I fell ignored and discarded ... and I seriously feel that if this was long ago I'd be content but now I've moved too far away from what made me happy ... and what I still seek, wrongly in others. My favorite lyrics.... As the deer panteth for the water So my soul longeth after thee You alone are my hearts desire And I long to worship thee Chorus You alone are my strength my shield To You alone may my spirit yield You alone are my hearts desire And I long to worship thee I;m 30 now. It's really time to make something happen. Maybe I should become what I am talking about? Not threaten Brandon B ... forgive him and just start ...start ... that missing time with meaning. John 3:36 maybe I can still see it and still be me? I just have to pass on some.