Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler


I'm 30 ... I shouldnt have crushes I guess. The word Love stands as a another word to use but you cant say Love unless your prepared to capitalize it in your words and actions. love is so unimportant Love is what we all seek. Screw money popularity ... its the biggest elusive comodity that no one can force ... Love. So ellusive.

The best definition I've heard is from the bible.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 says: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I fight the proud, the rude ... I gave up on the self-seeking, I try to hold my anger and I have never been one to remember wrongs. I think I am truthful to a fault, I always protect ... I try to trust ... I never stop hoping .... my feelings persevere beyond the relationship.

A seemingly perfect person in my view lays in my bed and I can't seem to fall asleep next to him. Never have really been able too. I'm too busy running my hands down his leg, kissing his back and smelling the lotion or hair product he uses. I assume it has the sweet scent of coconut in it among other things ... either way it of its ingredients .... Jennifer Page ... Always you seems to fall into my mind preventing my slumber. He seems the better version of me ... opinioned, always right .... flashy with his smile and so much more cool. I just lay there rubbing my cheek on his back and kissing the back of his neck, and I find I cant lay there anymore cause I become filled with emotional speech which is too early or inappropriate to say to him, ... pour a glass of wine sitting alone in the living room imagining the spectacle of this amazing man in my bed right now ... the reason for so many insignificant motivations in my life. Since touching his lips ... I want a clean home, a cleaner car, a better figure ... a better tan, to demonstrate I can have fun outside a gay bar, to wake up before 5 pm, to dance more, to stop smoking to sit back and enjoy myself and those around me ... to speak softer and listen better than I hear.

Some forces build and continue to simmer to distract or disolve this fascination for the perfect form of attention, affirmation and anticipation of perfection. But I got lost in thinking of A starting adjectives to describe him to really think of this individual, brilliant cause I am the one who is blessed ... I am the one who HAS to get up early and go get breakfest before he wakes up ... its my only way to even the score, which I never do ... even the score ... no matter if I have coffee made when he wakes up or eggs and bacon with biscuits and gravy, all I can shoot for is to be the best I can be and admitt that I fail compared to the more cool collect guy ...... laying in my bed is someone who is better than I will be or was.

available - he was single for over month before I found myself looking into his eyes alone. No one else around, we were on my buildings roof in the middle of the night with the crisp air blowing and I pointed out a constellation and he corrected me, and I could see so much at that moment.
asleep - he has to work in the morning more than I so I find myself trying to be mindful of his harder schedule.
able - so able.  At what ... everything.  from directions to sex to conversation to pool to just making me smile when I'm alone. 
appropriate - he mixed well with the church ladies I landed us with.
approved - my family, aunts and uncles all approve.  Mom " You've really done well with him Matt, everyone loves him"  My Grandparents already invited him to our holidays and I dont even know the when where or who ... I'm the grandkid.  :-)  I love it, .... already knew that meeting would be a slam dunk. 
assumed - I try not to do this with him.  I already assume that everyday I am off work I can see him.  I already assume that any night we are free I'll be able to sleep next to him.  So I keep trying ... to catch my breathe.
athletic - he scaled the building one night when I was locked out ... he crawled from window ledge to window ledge to my open window ... multiple stories up!
attractive - I get lost in every opening of my eyes after each kiss ... I told him tonight I do a little dance everytime we kiss, really ... I wonder who I did so well ... to deserve or warrant or be blessed to stand next to in a crowd or snuggle next to watching TV or slide into a perfect big spoon formation in slumber.
afraid - when you feel you have so much in one thing, it means you have so much to lose in one thing.
alive - I want to be up before the mall closes now.  lol ... sounds stupid, but what can I accomplish on an off day if I dont get up till 8pm?  I find myself up at 2pm and embracing it lately.  So easy to face the day when you know that so much is facing you.
anxious - waiting for him to get off work....or waiting to get off work so I can wait for him to get off work.
alternative - nothing I think either of us was expecting or seeking 6 months ago.  Not planned ... just real.
abundant - anytime .... I just get what I need to keep wanting to keep reeling .... to keep being Ohhhh'ed.

Anyhow, my point being ... :-) or as I say to him ... "the issue is"  ( apparently I am known for saying point being )

Every moment I am with this guy I am celebrating the spirit of life .... like I havent in years.  Got caught on that note discussing with someone tonight how its been years before I've had and felt and want and seen these things.

I can tell you I am trying to use all my previous knowledge and experiences to shepherd myself towards what I really want. 

I've already given myself away to this fellow ... I layed there in bed one night and told him ( I often tell hm things when I think he is asleep) I told him I am trying to act only on the fourth idea I have for him.  ...   I sit there away from him and think .... call him  lets go to  lets go to nashville I'll intro him to college  Lets go to wicked .... yes.  Call him ..... no  not yet.  Text him ...... no not yet.   Just the fourth thing to each action I can think of when we are seperated ... makes me look sane.  And I told him that one drunk night.  I've layed there next to him thinking .... write a note to him and put it in his pocket so he finds it tomorrow.  Its always been a no.  Trying to walk the line of interested with creppy.


I need to go to bed cause we are getting up in an hour. 

Last week we had fortune cookies....his said....

dont be afraid to take the next step.

mine said .... patience will be rewarded


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