Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

I don't know ... who is to blame. is a good song to read this too in the background

As long as you aren't as pretentious as Kyle Riggs (made fun of two of the pillars of my life and I told him I couldnt continue sitting with him after that) ... read on, I am just going to talk and not proof read. Forgive my spelling errors ... Getting bored of watching what I say.

So before the assy part. We have taken a billion pics lately and I should add one so you all know I am not just passing on one from years ago. See ... already looking for affirmation.

So thats my last week in picture review. No Idea where this link goes .... ugghhh'

(br> I am free of the link.

I try to remind myself of the old days. And then I remember that those are the same days I live now. It consols me and makes me wonder how much I long for a time that I should be past and a time that wouldnt be considered proper or well for anyone. Still ... I long ... I wish for the times when I did bad and I didnt care or I didnt know.

Now a days ... I find myself in some cloud of what ifs and how shoulds ... and I get angry when I feel like I've been here before and I know what I did last time and I try to do something else....and I try to wonder what would that other have been.

I worry I am 30 now. At sometime and somepoint I should do something different and I should be someone else. And I worry ... I've been here before and I have done this before and I know how they acted and I know how I acted and what my actions were and I know it ended.

Knowing the past I ask and wonder ... why next? What the fuck is going to be different. I know it is said to me ... I am not ... XYZ ... and then I go through weekends and days never hearing anything and trolls and evil spirits like Brad Bohannon from my college years and Kevin Baker try there best to undo anything they can. Brad is really a complete bastard child. But like the devil he is he only brings me back to questioning my past and looking at my future with the same worry. People like Brad are why I expect the worst of a relationship and if I dont have it I find what can be plausable discourse as obvious afronts. Horrible ... I allow people like him to draw out of me the worst conclusions in my head...but honestly ... there is sadness in my eyes. Unresolved areas where I felt I made a fool of myself by embracing too hard and wishing for too much all on the back of another person whom I cant always say I know the best of .... I find myself with friends being asked .... is this the one?

I say .... when I dated Kevin .... I would have sworn ... this IS the one. He is gone ... kinda too experimental with too many other people. Then I think of Brandon ... he was and IS the one. He is gone. ... too much value in crystal meth over me ... I can compete against another person, but I cant begin to think how to compete with a powder. I figure at that point I've already lost. Then ... no offense to any one else ... the first, is followed by the longest ... and the next has to be the best. Brent ..... that son o a beatch ... hates me to death today ... but once upon a time ... he was all ... after the people in the middle ... it was Brent ... neat how Brad brought him up, and I pointed out ... no he moved away to Argentina you stupid ignorant Enterprise rentacar bitch. I feel like saying I have paid my dues for my mistakes with brent ... I havent had a BF in over 3 years. But Brad thinks I fucked over my "friend" Collin. Collin ... isnt has really never been a friend to me. I define friends as people I turn to when I am upset .... thats most likely at this time ... Derrick and Jimmy. Each of them in the past years have gotten countless calls from me expressing my dispear. And thats cause I know they ... provide me the safest ... most reliable place to turn in need. I dare say when I tell a BF I love them ... I know behind that statement these guys always have my back in any statement. Selena is usually there and gets calls from me saying "I am here, and I need you here,." and she usually finds herself there. Its overly romantic and obviously easily hurt heart knows that at the end I have these principal players who I can rely on.

So tonight I was attacked by Brad ... not about Kevin like last time he was a dick ten years ago ... but about Mike. Who isnt here, and who didnt call me and who didnt answer my texts ... and who makes me want to NOT express any sexual desire for hiom because usually it ends with me feeling like I should thank him for his attention. It isnt the first time ... he goes off ... all the time. He once had the gaul to say these lines to me which I hate:
" I was in Columbus doing normal college things" what does that mean? hadnt heard from him in several days
"Don't get mad at me because tonight alot of people will be trying to talk to me."
"I didnt notice you over there" - I was 3 feet away.
We argued for hours and hours when he gave his number to some guy I introduced him too who I knew had no appreciation for any relationship. I did it cause the guy was near us and I knew him ... seemed like the best thing to do. Then after buying my BF drinks all night I got mad when he delivered a drink to that guy ... and it didnt help when he said Keith gave it to him. He never went through that for me...and I feel like I did and I feel like I do. I will spend my last dollar on him and he will still have money to go out with his friends who do not acknowledge my existence and when that BITCH katie does she tells me to shut up. To my face! Yet I am supposed to be okay with that.
James....the guy who mike told me was his sister's ex and was a manager at Home Depot ... who is "straight" who is at the gay bar three saturdays in a row and is in "Marlin's" ( bastard evil old troll queer...I can say that cause he tried to tell someone in my past to avoid me when he didnt know me) ... James .... walks up to Mike on the dance floor and never acts like he sees me. I mean .... theres no Hi Matt and Mike .... just Mike. And he is striaght? and I wonder what else I dont know. And Mike says he is a manager at Breckinridge Ln Home Depot hen at Xmas dinner I bring him up to my brother who has worked at THAT store for over a year ... and Brain HAS NEVER HEARD of james. So all I know of this dick at the bar ... dick .. assume he has but he really acts like a total tool to me ... (which most of Mike's friends do, not like I go out of my way to be in their comfort zone and totally leave my own) What am I supposed to do other than punch the bitch in the face? James that is.  I havent but really one of my friends told me that WAS the way to resolve the James issue.  Do my friends act like they know Mike?  Yes? Then fucking be a man and make him see you next time.  I already have an angry image when I am drunk so I will only celebrate when someone punches the guy I like and I bust his nose or when some one slanders my friend and I say I wont sit with him any longer.    End result .....   Obvious James has no respect for me at the bar.

Mike said " don't forget who I go home with at the end of the night" And I think back .... if we build an image of disregarding our relationship in public .....  then whats wrong with ignoring it in private?  Who respects something they never see?

And why should he? Arent I usually telling people I dont know where my BF is? We had a so so night in my mind friday, and Mike said it was a good night but he was looking forward to more people next time. And I told him .... I think it was a good night cause you couldnt ditch me that night.

I lose.

I question.

I faulter

I take on water, and I try to act like nothing is wrong and as I slip under ... I yell.

Either way I allow my relationship to look like nothing and why then ... I ask myself ... am I doing nothing when people see nothing and we are really never together alone.

We got into a mild tif I'd say about going out.  Mike thinks because he works the next morning we cant go out.  BUT ... when I work the nights he can go out.  Nevermind that idea that he expects me to pay for our nights.  ( We walked into connection on friday night and he ordered two tickets and then stepped aside so I could pay)  I would have happily paid ... but I resent he is so accustom to me paying that he can just step aside.  Once Brent told me to be more careful with my spending because " What if I need money": ....... what if??  Then you should expect to sit at home alone and wonder what I am doing.  Sometimes ... I have to say .... I have enough money for one of us, and I say I cant go out cause I know he expects me to pay for it all.  But its okay I think cause he is younger and gets less money and I am blessed to date such a cute guy, but then ... secretly I think .... I was getting laid before him, and I was getting attention before him....and now, I have to carry us completely. Except at Tribe when we were in front of friends he did buy us dinner, and ... when he had to buy Nate a beer a proof he was nice enough to buy me one too.  ( See I notice these insignificant things...I dont mention them, I just stew.....and then blow up)  Its my fault I know...if something annoys me I should say it, but I try to hold it in until I am yelling hours later making an ass of myself cause I have been off counting how many times mike looked at someone else in a 20 minute period.  Selena knows about this habit.

He gets mad at me for telling him too much about me. He tells me nothing. I feel like when we havent had sex in a week something is up ... and I have no way to accuse cause I dont know what is his past. I dont know who to worry about. I tell him .. about Brent. I love and miss Brent. I love and miss Brandon and I blame his nose for our break up. I tell him about me and Derrick ... our dating, our break up how I felt ... who I blamed who I came to terms with and how I feel like Derrick still takes care of me and how people dont think Derrick is emotional and how he still has always surprised me .... Derrick and his Brandon was a surprise to me .. he took it harder than I think I have seen before and I feel for him cause I have been there before with a "straight" guy ... and I dont need to be attacked by Collin's friend Brad about Brent and then Brad wonder where Mike is and I look at him and say ... well last night he said he was at Brittney's. And then I think .... well I could know if only I had called him or text him ... but then I ALWAYS text him ... every place I go ... when I leave that place I text him. He apparently doesnt care where I am, cause that same drive isnt returned. I mean ... when he is next to me I seems into me. Then others show up and I sit back and tell Selena that I am counting how many times he looks at Nate. I try to hook up Joey Pruden with Nate and Joey says it wont work cause they are too into each other and I .... I feel ... flustered and vendicated.

Then doubt sets in. Maybe I am so scared by assholes like Kevin. Sorry ... Kevin if you are reading this ... you were a complete asshole. And tonight Brad said "You wonder why Kevin couldnt be with you?" and I said ... "Kevin apologized for us. He said ... everything you want an ex to say years later." Brad:" Thats between you and him" ..... my thoughts .,... yes....your right you total asshole dick. So why are you talking about me and Brent, Kevin and attacking me for Mike? He keeps saying I fucked my friend Collin over. And I keep telling him ... sorry ... but if good or bad came into my life, I never told Collin .... he isnt my friend. And they were broken up a month before SELENA brough him over to my house. And who cares isnt it better that TWO people find themselves interested in each other. I know so much more than I dare say Collin or Brad knows....

I know MIke

hates crew cut sweeters =                                                                                                      I dont care which
LOVES beefaronie =                                                                                                                I look down on any food in a can
knows all the directions you could ever think you know =I know them better
Thinks he knows cars .... and generally american is his preference=                         Toyota does so much better in $$ and it isnt a mistake
He loves brothers and sisters =Who cares desperate housewives is on first
When he smokes he wants Parliament Lights =I want my nic gum and a patch but he doesnt like the scent of the gum when we kiss.  And I get all self  concious which is better for him ... almost forgetting I am addicted to this stuff.  Trying to pick which addiction I want to feed .... Me wanting Mike .... me wanting nicoteine.  Brandon wanted a drug over me ... I have to pick Mike, what does he want.  Hold on????  Are we talking about me here?
Chapstick = Burts Bees
Cute underwear = none
his socks have to match = mine can be any type as long as they started as white or black
His music makes me gag, but is popular =                                                                      He gags at my music, but it was once popular
Little Spoon .... almost every minute Big spoon, = but the little one when I worry I annoy him...he rarely finds himself in the big spoon spot but each time I dont think he gets, its cause I feel .... unappreciated.
Drives faster ... has a ticket =                                                                                                Drives slow and prefers the slow lane
Food Distributor for a Major Grocery =                                                                                I say delivery guy.....but cute. Hate saying anything that he would think takes from his job ( he could be nothing .... I dont care if he works.  He loves me and I love him, he can sit at home for all I care) Just pointing out the difference
Loves Me =  I love him
Sauvignon blanc = Pinot Grigio ( at least they are both white??) ... but then maybe he just buys that cause he thinks I like white and I dont really know what he many doubts, at this point .... tear.
Sunday's with the family Sunday's =  waiting for my BF's family to give me my BF
Alarm goes off at 7 am and 10 minutes for the next 40 minutes=                               I start getting restless and push for sex and he gets up
Allergic to cats = Keeps Caritin D in the dish by the door...went to 3 pharmacies just 2 weeks ago without being asked.
likes his toothpaste taken from the bottom of the tube = doesnt care
likes showers = likes baths
dogs = cats
pretends he is good at laundry = I tell everyone I am bad at laundry
teeth chatter when he is sleeping = tries to hold them shut when I am sleeping
loves alfredo but doesnt tell people that = obviously loves alfredo (Come Back Inn...Mike said his feet were cold, .. its a special place to me, hated he didnt act impressed even though he says he likes new places and that is the BEST alfredo.)
fav veggie: asparagus = same but always over cooks it even when I try not thinking of how he likes it
Likes it hot = Likes it cold

And I dont know where he is right now and I hate that, especially since Brad challenged me for about an hour over us.


I fuck up a lot. I miss a lot, but I catch the color of his missing lufa and tooth brush. I think he likes the right side of the bed ... or maybe he thinks I like the left. I like crawling in bed next to him for just those 10 minutes I can when we each work .... sure I was home the past hour but I dont want to annoy him in his last hour of sleep so I stay off in the living room .... BUT EVERY night I come in, and kiss him before I go to the living room and watch Morning Joe before I think he may get up ... then I brush my teeth and do the mouth wash and crawl into bed next to the (sometimes literally) hottest guy I have ever known. .... he can druel sometimes .... did I mention that? When he goes .... I slide over to his warm spot and bitch how he has all the pillows and happily smile in his warmth.

I stopped setting my alarm, started turning off my phone .... hoping to wake up to him when I get up for work when he gets off, and thats only kinda happened once....when he had my car. I love my new car, and I love him ... so I give it to him a lot.

I took him to my fav. eatery ... Come Back Inn .... he said ... his feet were cold.

I still have the fake plastic vampire teeth ..... it was the first time he and my friends hung out. I have our first movie tickets, W. He didnt want to see it really but he saw it anyway and he never said he didnt want too .... he went happily with me, but I knew it was just for me.

So I was asked tonight is it forever? I said ... I thought it was forever with Kevin, Brandon and Brent and was proven wrong. And now I figure I wont know till its been a decade or he is gone and I've moved on beyond it. Mature answer: You can never know forever till after it has happened. I know though, when I dont hear from him in a night, I open my phone to text him .... and I close it. I open it later and close it. And ... then I finally open it and text him how I am ticked he never text me. Cause I know I would have text him and called him so many times by that point.

So .... thats my life. A song from the past could be "Same script, differnet cast" courtesy of Brad and the rest of the unhappy people. Another could be Sweetest days, Vanessa Williams

I am such a sap ... this IS what I want, and what I really think is my future. Two divided reunited, and so maybe thats why I think my great love is only as far away as the break up and the reunion ... years later.

I guess ... this all will be true to anyone who dates me.  I am slightly jaded.  I've been dumped by email after having sex ... I've had to call my HUSBANDS ( he always corrected me if I called him a BF) had to call my HUSBANDS mother to get him after we were together for 3 years cause it was obvious he didnt value me more than crystal meth ... (that actually hurt a lot ... dont let my defensive ways bypass .... my BF I loved for 3 years had to go cause he valued 40 bucks worth of a drug over me) .... I've acted straight for Brent and been called his cousin ... when I know from dating Kevin .... when they downgrade your existence in public .... they mean it.  I've been evil too ... Anson is the only BF that I'll give that claim too.  And I think he knows I know it.  End result .... I've been taught to fear the "straight" and to know I am worth less than drugs .... and 3 ways ... thats another chapter.  You want the preface, ask David Doyle.

I just have a history ... that placed doubts, and without attention and affirmation ( which too often I seem to seek in sex) but more often a text or a call will eclipse the rest .... I just .... with out knowing, have this past to look back on and people like Brad (who has never had anything)  to help me remember... how far out I reach and I far I got burnt.

For my own self and my sanity .... my phone is not working.  No battery, tired of looking at it wondering if Mike is coming over or if he text or if he called.  No battery .... I dont know how sad I could disappointed I am anyway, in others, in myself ... already in Mike ... without a battery ... at least I know where it is at the present.  He apparently cares as much as he called or text Sunday to know what I was doing....what I was thiking.  


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