Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

100:05 A truth entry

So sitting here listening to old music I used to love that I only listen too when sad...or at least defeated.
(Lets let it be known and give away the laugh)
About a year ago ... with "as the deer panteth" I hung myself from the ceiling fan in my guest bedroom as Mike slept away in the bedroom. Felt so alone. So often fell alone.
It ended with massive brusies on my neck, three therapist, work place meetings with HR, my mom and doctor trying to trick me into committing myself. Very very low point.
In some ways I wish it had have done more than just left a mark on the neck. And then I think of how my father cried when he heard second hand and how he asked how I'd have put a guy in his poor health in such a place and he was crying. And I felt such shame. Such realization that what I had tried to do was nothing to myself but left my parents in such dissarry. The friends were fine.
I guess the huge lesson was that while I continue to put faith in friends its the ones that parted my hair at boy scout camp and fought my 4th grade teacher for being a bitch that I should keep in mind.
Oddly the music I played as I wrapped my neck and kicked the chair was the southern baptist music of Valley View Baptist Church I used to sing.
Our god is an awesome god, as the deer panteth these were the songs I chose to end my life too. Songs of praise.
I wish I could say that as you get older it gets easier. But ... as you get older you have more expectations of how you should live and where you should be in your career.
PLus for a guy who has been brought up in the church who last prayed 2 days ago I felt it was fitting. I'm not chatholic so I do get to believe that sometimes people can give the gift of life back and ask to come back to where they were. Seeking that ... place in this world. But again I did it so well ... no one could not know. I had to have HR meetings to make sure I was fit to work at night alone. I had a father I used to fist fight with crying and a mother at my house the next morning running to the drug store buying me burn bandages for my neck. Where was my god?
As I dangled above the air with the presure only on my neck I grabbed up and found a place to pull up. I lived...obviously alittle damaged but I guess thats where my god was ... or thats what my god gave me, the ability to pull myself up and out of the bruising hang I placed myself in...still to this day my doctor wont perscribe me anything slightly suicidal. Prolly need that till I think of my father.
I just grew up thinking that someone would be there. That if you did this you'd find that. Dawson Mcallister is a whore bitch. I used to go as a youth to his youth camps ... course way before the hanging around I emailed him and he never responded. Love how he is on the radio now a days. He is a shame. After emailing him I felt worse, even more rejected and after my little deed more ashamed of my selfishness trying to explain my desperation and how my dreams just werent happening...and who I had been taught would guide would intervene. I put too much in Valley View and too much in Dawson McAllister...not enough in Matt Leffler, my parents, my friends and most importantly myself.
That was a weird end to summer. Seeing knives and sharp objects removed...knowing my parents were so tip toeing thinking their oldest was obviously on the brink and of course the fun at Norton Healthcare with my asshole boss Mitch Bryant trying to get me demoted cause I was obviously unfit to be alone at night. ( Really displeased with his handling of EVERYTHING ... should have just left it with me calling in sick as I had intended but he kept calling and texting over and over. I mean I had the time already banked as a long time employee. Was rather hostile ... I was either gonna be written up or demoted and put on the crazy people list. Finally I convinced HR with the help of the work appointed therapist, my therapist and my doctor who wanted to put me away with my mother's blessing ... they all wrote letters saying it was acute. Not so cute. BUT basically GET THE FUCK OFF HIS BACK. Leave it alone you DICK he hung himself and missed two days of work not your fight here. Of course it helped I was normally already scheduled off for eight days but jesus Mitch was gunning for the kill shot. I still remember excersizes where the work appointed therapist asked me to talk good of my boss and I said "Well even with his low education, poor training he somehow became our boss and has been able to hold on to the postion." Thats the best I could say. AND ..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone ELSE not even me....called in a bomb threat to work that they would blow us all up to kill him. I feel ya sister. Jordan Bell. Sweet georgeous Jordan. Anyone wants to see the hottest boy around he was the guy.

OPPS gotta guy. Girl interrupted here
I made a mistake. I thought that since I wasnt where I wanted to be and since what I wanted around and had expected wasnt there that the best plan was to just end it. Thought go out and leave them all remembering a dreaming who didnt seem to fit and he never grew any older. But I guess what we have to do is just to pursue

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