Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

Transcript of my online conversation. I'll leave the who said what and such...but I feel like its kinda insightful. A demonstration 1 of a friend trying to express something to another, and his ending the conversation when a challenge is simply asked.
2. As we get older we really do start settling, back tracking ... and expecting less of ourselves.

06:05yeah. we make tons more money. but still. it doesn't compute.
06:06were too young to lean on money. We gotta work out and be sweet..
06:06well life sucks and I hate getting old. :-(.
06:07tell the 32 yr old about it. So I'm leaving Norton. .
06:07ehh, I miss being 19.
06:07 I miss 16.
06:07I heard. Jarrett told me. .
06:08Yeah ... called Ky Board of Labor, and started seriously seeking a new job. So either they fire me or I quit. I'm not a team player anymore.Spent an hour with Mike explaining how at least 25% of all income must be saved.I have 7400 in savings for my leaving Norton.
06:09Christopher is offline..
06:09Christopher is online..
06:09that's a good start. .
06:10should cover a few months of job seeking. So why Chris?Why have you moved to Lexington? You left that small town thingy .. and we were gonna be Law and Order or Boston Legal. DENNY CRANE!.
06:11Something had to change. Too many fucked up relationships in louisville making me unhappy. .
06:11Tell ya what ... when the ark leaves Louisville you visit us in Chicago and decide.
06:11I guess I needed to be on my own a while. .06:11not arguing that.
06:12Yeah. I may have gone a little too drastic, but I'm not as strong as I want people to believe. .
06:12but lexington was a slide back to familiar rather than a "lean forward" taking risk.
06:13true, but I make enough money here to forego a return to louisville if it proves a good idea. .
06:13I dont do anything unless I feel like others are too. I'm a disident followerdesident .
06:13we're peculiar I guess. .
06:13we are. been drinking?.
06:13was, sober now. .
06:16sucks. I got drunk to this one. sure you'll like itBut to me its ... I know this and I know it from the other end...and pride prevents from knowing either side.
06:17haha, I am a little too proud for my own good. .
06:18God knows...I've always been prideful. Usually ends most my relationships..
06:18same here. Oh well, maybe its for the best. .
06:19Had a long conversation with one of our mutual friends ... tried to express to him ... he is one of our few friends who seems least prideful.nah.
06:19oh? Who? .
06:19never for the besta character flawpride ... even causes cowardness. Seriously....The only person who I think always expresses he is happy to see usthe only person who came to my house to give me a birthday present. ( not that I wanted it from anyone) but he still does those things.
06:21well that's kinda. .
06:21Todd Koenig. ( SP? ).
06:21*KINDyeah, you're right. .
06:21seriously....motives.half the time I talked to any of you all. I still wanted my own way. But he seems so sickly nice.Almost want to punch him for being so interested in other people. But anyhow,,,,Lexington?.
06:23when you left EKU why didnt you go to Lexington?.
06:23not sure. .
06:24... Really? I can tell you why I did what I did..
06:24anyway, need some sleep. Work soon. Ciao for now. .
06:24:-) night.

So the point ... you try to have that friendly no shield convo with an old friend and when you point out our dreams and our actions that dont really pursue them ... there is just a shut down, to accept the easy.

Sat here with Mike expressing that I need him to be ready and aware we are going to be finally doing what we've talked about for a year. ( he wasn't the im convo above) ... I think he is ready.

Someone told me not to act too hasty recently. I pointed out I found an email on my gmail account where someone asked if I had moved to chicago. It was dated in 2005. Five years later I can tell people, this isn't hast.

This is simply a demonstration of longing for something better and being complacent. I dont accept the idea of being in my hometown which underperforms the other cities around us. I need to be reminded ... no more than two months left. I'm a shame. I made a simi pact with someone to graduate and move and become better. The other ... left several months ago. I sit here and think ... well ... I need to have this much more saved. I need to get this project done. I need to stay around cause I need to do this.

End ... I've been a coward. I need to read the first two years of this journal and learn something from myself when I pursued what I wanted. Before I was too afraid to change the times and place I was comfortable in. Seriously, not too too happy here. Other than Michael Kuhn, my love of a few years ... I have nothing more than spent time to show my efforts.

I sat tonight and talked to a girl (woman) from South Africa. She's been to Europe, like 10 Africian countries, 5 US states ... and she's still on the move to learn more and experience more. I bought her a drink, left her alone ... and thought ... she has experienced and lived so much more than me.

Brent Jones. Dated only six months, but he really has had one of the largest influences on my life. He and I no longer speak ... his decision, because I tried to challenge him in a manner that I had planned would cripple his drive and force him to stay put with me. He didn't. He hasn't. He doesnt talk to me, but I know ... the last time we spoke face to face we kissed and said we'd see each other soon. And, he moved on ... as I should have. I should have experienced life. He went to Argentina, Chile, other places I never knew ... and I DO have something awesome no one else I know has because I stayed here.

I have Michael Kuhn. In September 2008 he crawled in my kitchen window after we made out on my roof. And the longest we have gone not talking or seeing each other is 6 days? Have to tell you when he gets undressed for bed I look at him as I did the first night he got in my bed...and I know ... every night, no matter how mad i might be I'm lucky. And honestly, I cant find anyone to be jealous of. I can only feel unworthy to crawl into bed next to him. But I have him, and he knows my desire to move and supports it. The first one. The 9th boyfriend and the first one who listened to my discussion of quick sand, how I'm under a rock and simply sleeping forever. Someone who is willing to go with me.

I admire Brent. He did what I want to do. And I have the blessing of someone willing to let me and go with me cause they also feel they have a benefit to go.

Now ... I just need to go. Go forward.

so the lyrics:

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
well something's lost buy something's gained
I'm living everyday

I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

..........................MY ignore family........................................

Side live journal only note. Recently my pictures were questioned on facebook. I've been out for 14 years and a cousin commented on facebook that a picute that a picture taken ... in public of me embracing the guy who has been at my grandparents christmas parties 3 years in a row now ... this picture was commented as "inappropriate" ... that hurt. A world War II veteran expected him cause of his love for fmaily but ... The other side of the family never told my sibilings similiar pictures of their heterosexual relationships where inappropriate in facebook. I think of pictures of my parents and I enjoy them showing affection for each other and I feel good inside. I honestly felt blind sided. I grabbed my phone and called my tea party little brother and talked about it. I could hear his long breath ... and not knowing what to say. This tea party guy was seriously surprised that I was being told basically its good for a relationship to ignore your spouse. I do have to say I feel so accepted by my grandparents, my mother, my siblings and have reservations about my dad and Janet and thier guests at holidays. My father specifically told me that Michael wasn't a good idea to bring to christmas. I called my mom...she was so supportive, yet cautious to judge my dad.  Still that was all I know WE were invited to their dinner.
Since that ... Michael goes to my mom's sides events ... and is expected there and so generously welcomed by my 80 year of grandparents, aunts and cousins. The other side has a more fundamental christain back ground ... you know the ones who ignore the bible.

" 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (NIV, Mark 12:28-31). or "'Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. Leviticus 19:18

So my spouse was suggested not to come to the family party. I almost didnt go myself, I think I layed in bed for over an hour pass the invite...debating going alone, or just sleeping through it. I showed up .. about an hour late, the next year I told them he couldnt make it cause he had other family invites to attend. Making more annoying His family is disappointed why I dont go to sunday dinner every week. How can I face them knowning their welcome for me is more than my families for their son. I have some shame. You have to love your family and respect them, but I feel your life spouse ... has to trump even family. This is YOUR partner now.  Respect the past but support the future. These people will no be at a wedding of me and him no longer how we continue.
Nice little ditty for these ...

So my oldest family members expect Michael around ... and the branch with the least education doesn't need to be tested.

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