Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

This site has been impossible.  Like seriously I tried 8 times only because I'm so smart I used a vpn connection to change my IP address so I could get past the IP block.  Stupid.  But I guess with the stupid decisions of this site I should be glad they still exist...and I should import the last 9 years before they disappear.
So I wanna speak about something I know nothing about.  Life....grief.....Loss.
January 12 my father died suddenly ... I didnt have a chance to speak with him ... apparently no one did.  He was rushed to the hospital ( Baptist East in Louisville ) and he was told he had cold ... and during that hour he told all the relatives. .... my sister and my brother to go home.  No one called me cause I lived way off in Chicago.  Mid sentence ... he said "Its good" ... and his eyes never recatched anyone he was talking too.
I had several calls on my phone at this point.  Mike woke me up and told me I needed to call my sister cause she had kept calling.  ( I worked third shift so I miss most calls. ) I called my sister around 7pm ... and Gary my brother in law answered and said " I dont know how to say this but your dad is dead. " I sat there in my bed and I was like ... "Okay so what are we doing next?  Whats the next point? " There wasnt another thing...I was told I was probably in shock and I didnt understand that he was gone.  I still to this moment dont get it ... why didnt we just do something else and hed be there.  I dont get it.
I called my boss at work and told him the news he told me I was off work and to go home.  I thought ... k ... I'm gonna go home.  I Made flight plans and I called my grandmother cried .... "the father of my grand children"  I hate that ... I hate trying to speak to loved ones and not being able to find words.  I am such a wordy person.  Knowing that my maternal grandmother and grandfather loved my father was so important.  I dont know why I could have thought anything entire life they had always been NOTHING but the source of love in the universe.  "George?  George is dead?" "What is happening to this family?" all were things I thought.  I called my brother and told him ... he was the ranking male Leffler in town and as the one at the hospital he needed to console anyone there and be the new man of the family.  Then I feel apart after I ended the call.
I ordered pizza with Mike.....I posted to facebook ... "My father just died I have to go home to Louisville." the pizza arrived.  I sat indian style and ate away and then Grace my neighbor knocked on the door.  and was like...are you okay?  I was at the door and was  Mike was like I think he is in shock.  I heard that ... I thought I know he is dead...or so I have heard but I need to go home cause we can do something.  ...............
Fast forward I land in Louisville the next morning.  I walk to the visitor area and for the first time I see someone I know ... my mother.  ( My best friend all my child and teenage years. ) and I tried to walk up to her and be a man ... but each step I took I cried a little more and ended up showing everyone in the airport I wasn't in Louisville for a happy thing.  I was devestated.  I was now home ... without a father ... crying to my mother.  I could have been 12 or 8 except my father wasnt ever going to come and I was 33 with the light hitting me from the windows of the airport terminal.  In these moments ... it doesnt matter where you are or how old you realize you lost something you never meant to misplace. 
We rode back to her house...and then went out for me to buy some dignified clothes.  Mike was going to come down within the day or so with my suit.  We picked out a cute grey jacket and went to bed.  I woke up and I was alone.  Absolutely alone ... the first time in my life without my father and there wasnt a soul in the house ... which wasnt my house or my fathers was simply a house and I was alone.  I tried to soldier through ... but I couldnt find the iron I couldnt find anything nothing was were I would have put it ... and I was pissed off ... and then my ride arrived.  Allison my older sister got me.
We arrived to the funeral home.  I entered and I recall the wolden casket to the left ... I hadnt seen my father since Christmas and he was very ,much alive.  I stepped up and saw him .... and I couldnt go any closer.  I couldnt go back....I felt he deserved a sentry and I wouldnt leave his side and all the time I thought that isnt my looks like him...but he'd never do his hair like that.  He'd never keep his eyes closed so long while I was there.  I moved close enoough to see him within a couple feet after 10 or 15 minutes of sitting in back rows and moving slowly up the room.  I finally got to the casket and I looked at my father ... and his hair was totally not how he would do it.  He did have on the suit he would have picked.  His eyes were closed and he was just there.  And I realized ... this wasnt my father.  I touched his hand ... it felt like it gave a fraction of an inch and was then oddly solid.  I then told people that while my fathers body was there it wasnt my father ... and I spoke and discussed with people in the crowd and I saw Brad Hampton.  Kendra Carr and Selena Pedroza.  Those three names are obviously the most important people in my human experience.  They were there and I needed them.  And yes I discount everyone who wasnt.
Mike showed up ... the sun set.   I slept at Mike's family home and swore I'd never sleep at my mothers again caise it felt so foreign.  Maybe I just held her responsible for the divorce and I needed a way to disapprove.  The next morning I wore my black suit for the first time, I'd only just bought it 5 months previously.  I've never worn it since.
We did the funeral.  Every child of George F Leffler spoke ... I stood in the middle of them and I helf their hands.  The step children spoke and I held them too....and I was acknowledged to speak but I ... Mr. talkative bowed out.  I removed myself to the front row again and held Mikes hand.....and I found that as I felt fine .... and I thought I was holding my own .... I heard weird noises from myself.....I wasnt crying .... much .... so why would I make this noise of grief so loud?  I was shaking .... Mike had his hand on my leg and I tried to let it calm me and I still couldnt stop making these breaths that were too loud.
It was over.  And I watched everyone else leave the room ..... or move to the front and I held back ... this was the moment where I had to take him to the grave yard.  But I wasnt sure I was ready .... so I thought I should just fall back a few rows....I sat in the front row...but if I am in the 5th row now then it will take this much longer to end it.  That was the hard part ... it was like admitting it was over.  But then I found I didnt admit it then for sometime.
We arrived at the graveyard....on I264 I looked back and saw that the procession spanned beyond my view.  That was important to me.
He was buried just several feet from some people I never knew ... his parents.  Under a big tree with several wind chims in it.  It was January ... and I got out of the car to carry him to his place he picked without a coat.  Thats when I first thought ... I dont deserve a coat I should be uncomfortable.
I remember flying home sometime after and later standing on the platform at belmont for the brown line .... and Chicago in January or Feb by then I didnt wear gloves.  I deserved any cold .... I deserved any lose of warmth ... I had missed my father death and I could have stopped it if I had been there and I then left him in a field all alone and in the dark and I deserved to freeze to death and at one point Mike said I had ink on my ear and he or I rubbed it off but then he said ... no its your ear....and I felt better.  I felt consoled that some peice of my exterior finally looked like my inside.  Then I changed my thought structure.
UK was trying to make the championship and the year before me and my father bonded over talk of the excitement of UK being the champ and even in Chicago I could feel it.  .... but then I couldnt talk to him about it.  And UK won it all.  My fathers life long team took it all in 2012, cant tell me not to feel angels work around as I needed every sign I could get.
Rather than hurting myself for hurting him and not being there ... I now needed to be hyper better than I was.
I quit smoking after 10 years, since April I can tell you I have skipped thousands of cigarettes....if I feel like I need one I think why do I need this one?  When I have skipped so many?.  I then realized I needed to control my wieght ... I was balloning ... so I lost 26 pounds and joined the company foot ball team.  Seriously in a month going from 186 # to 160# was important.  I lost multiple inches on the waste and had to buy new jeans.  Since I quit smoking I needed to whiten my teeth.  Oh and btw in case I forgot I got a promotion in June and suddenly was recognized for work....since being promoted 8 weeks ago I have only took 1 week with two days off.   Why?   Cause its still 2012 ... I have so much more to accomplish. 
We adopted a dog.  She is my daughter.  Dont fuck with her .... I've gone off on friends up here and told them to leave the parenting to me.

  I have so much more proving to do.  I have so much more to try to make 2012 not the worst year of my life.

I had a birthday the 20 of August again as I do ... I couldnt talk to me dad.  His birthday is just a few days after mine...I'll always have the knowledge I usually fogot his birthday .... and I will now never forget it.  Sept 6. 

Oddly I have a lot of joy in every day now ... I just miss the idea that I cant express it to my father.  He saw me not so happy every day for the end of his life.  


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