February 6th, 2004

Matt Leffler

4:20 funny AYE?

So welcome back live journal I've allowed myself to slip away from your cyber embrace lately.
in 10 hours I return to the world of gateway. should be fun. i have done nothing at all while on vacation.
went to the bar 2 weeks ago and ran into (we shall call him ken...just like i did until he corrected the morning after). He is great...cute, young..but doesnt need to be sponsored into the bar...horray!...but your my wants all wrapped into one and to the second power......to the degree that our daily contact is almost excessive. we just recently met...our friends need to stop calling us boyfriends, cause we have a long road before that bend in the journey....lay back and enjoy life...lets hangout but lets also allow for some air.
my fish are dying. really upsets me...i dont like death. i guess i fear it more so than other people. i never buy fish simply for this reason. my cats will prolly live another 15 years and i know i'll prolly be so destroyed and bewildered i'll need therapy. i think it is a control issue. my motto according to the horoscopes i read is "I will" and i think that sums me up alot...i have plans, goals, and i feel like i can do anything i want too....somewhat delusional i suppose but its a power asset if we believe in self fullfilling prophecy.
so to me death is something i cant control. i cant seem to save these fish...we have 2 emergency tanks now running with chemicals that a drug addict fish would love floating around now...but i look through the glass and i see more than a poor creature struggling to survive. i see my failure to trump the forces of nature. in someways i suppose we all are like this methaphorically. we struggle and in our times of need it all lays on the chances that another force..in this case me....can save the day. but sometimes the ultimate end of this scenario is....you do your best, and even if you lose...you at least know you tried.
so...enough about fish i guess...just know this isnt about fish....it is a window into so much more in my thoughts.
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