March 10th, 2004

Matt Leffler


WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POSTING, I DONT EXPECT YOU TO READ IT ALL. I REALIZE THAT WE ALL HAVE STUFF TO DO...I JUST HAVE STUFF TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD. of the weird here. Ya know how people come in and out of your life and you swear this or that...but as time passes you soften your stance and find yourself offering the friendship you had thought you wouldn't?

Point being...Brandon. He is the ex-husband, we dated and lived together for 3 yrs. He represents the highest points in my relationships and the lowest. We have both excelled together, and ultimately failed one another. Our breakup was bitter and drawn out, and we've not seen eye to eye on all most anything since. Last time I saw him I was as extremely pissed at him and he did as he always had and paid no real worry to it. To a degree that has been a survival technique I guess to us both. Allows me to calm down...and spares him the sting of words I'd take back. is the bomb shell of my situation which opens a complex box within my current life. Last time we saw one another was June of 2003, until today. Not by accident either, he suggested I come visit and now after moving my work schedule around a tad, two states, and 2.5 hour drive at 80 miles an hour...I am sitting here on my lap top, and he is sleeping in his bed. He has a really beautiful place here. A roommate he says "I dont know what I'd do without." A job and a car (both improvements from when we last saw each other.)

So let me disect and explain what I am thinking is the reality here...not my perception of that, but the real truth. I do love him. I'd say after all that we've been through it is an unconditional love. He can hit me, I can hit of us can financial owe the other beyond what was ever agreed...( you know you loan someone money and it never got back ) but even with all of these obvious downfalls...each of you still wants to see the other. We were wonderful together, in his eyes I have always seen someone I could never live completely without...but time also brings a maturity. A realization that some people can mean everything to each other and not be the right person at that time in each others lives.

In saying that I mean I have no motives to this visit other than to spend time with a person that I do care for deeply...and I know cares for me deeply. Its unconditional love...forever honored, but not all love translates into a relationship of being the romantic prince each of us seeks. For that reason, I am a friend. Committed to my life that I have built without Brandon physically in it daily. I must slide that "physically" aspect in simply because I'd either be a fool or a liar if I thought he wasnt in my daily life.

Since we met in 1999 he has been in almost everything I do. Each past true love effects each future love. The lessons learned are applied and you attempt to be a better person for the knowledge you have gained.

Big picture...I wanna keep dating who I am focused on, but also dont want to let go of a past that I value. I havent told Tristan..(he is my boyfriend) where I planned to go for the next few hours I feel in some regards scared that he wouldnt accept that someone can be true to their staying close to an ex, and by dating and creating a new future. I bet he could accept it if he knew me but honestly no one really knows anyone...especially in only a months time. I feel since we arent boyfriends it isnt for him to say anything against it. But I do realize that if the shoe was on the other foot I too would have suspicions. But again...since he hasnt committed to me I know I have no ground to stake claim on. It kinda goes back to my Terms of Engagement posting...where I outlined my ideas of relationship status. We are dating...which means I mean what I have said...and he nor I are bound to the other beyond when we are with each other.

In gay society I think it would be impossible to expect the one you are dating to not have friendships with people that have been more at one time. I dorealize honesty will set me free...but I question where the line is drawn between honesty and not telling someone more than they need to know at the present? Jesus I worry dont I? I am still actively friends with two of my exes...another lives too far away to claim an active friendship...but if he is to date me...he also will need to accept that some points of my past are portions I hope to maintain in some manner in my future. The other being Derrick. Luckily between us we have a working dialogue. While I did chase him for months after we broke up I know that if we did do anything beyond friendship it would be a set back.

A new subject. Arty Arty Arty. He went to visit his family and said he'd be back on Saturday. He didnt come home till Monday. But isnt my place to stake a claim where no stands. Sure I'd liked to have known he was okay...but I felt I should give him his time and maybe he'd think to call and tell me not to worry. Sometimes I worry that he may go on a trip and not come has happened between us before.

But what I wasnt prepared for is the way things have gone on since he came back. I have no confirmed knowledge of anything and so I have to guess as to the reasons. So here is what has happened...Monday I came home from work and noticed that he had been home...he wasnt there then. I was in the living room...he came in talking on his cell said nothing to me and went into his room where he closed the door. The closed door to me is a sign that he doesnt want to talk at all. He came out breifly..I tried to start a conversation but got a quick answer and again a closed door. So...we've spoken a total of one sentence each since Friday...which is unusal for us. I wonder if maybe he gets annoyed then by me coming in his room and talking to him. He hasnt said so...but actions are louder than words arent they?

It is common knowledge I have had a crush on Arty. I think is a great guy, very attractive...I see some flaws in him but those endear him to me. I am worried he thinks I am after him. Maybe he is being cold to try to temper that worry. But I think that is an obviously wrong conclusion. Yes I had wanted a relationship...but when it is obivous to me that he wants someone else I am not one to try to compete. I accept what we have, appreciate it and remain open to new possiblities with others. Another wonder I have is whether he is upset with me for hanging out with Tristan. This would be a fault of human nature...common I think when someone knows they were the goal, and sees a new goal is set by their admirer. But if thats the case then he has no one to blame but himself.

Regarding how I have treated him? I unfortunately only see my side. I think I treat him great. He hasnt had a job yet, but I pay the rent and other bills without makeing a big deal of it. I try to include him in my outings...and I worry for him when he isnt acting all that happy. I wanna be a person he feels supports him as a true friend...but right now I feel like he doesn't feel I am. I may be reading into all of this too...he may just be down in general...and it isnt pointed at me...but again I dont know. Sure I could ask...but I feel like since he is the one acting the way he is...I should allow him to voice whatever concerns he has. End result I just hope he finds the happiness he needs. Its hard to move, its hard to find a good job...but when it is hard is our friends that make such a difference.

( awww....brandon is snoaring. He didnt used to do that when we )

A side benefit to hanging out with Brandon, he introduces me to alot of the music I like. Brian..(XBF6) was the only other person whom I eagerly sough out music from. Both have good taste.

Lets address someone that I havent mentioned since chapter 2. Brian. He is the only BF I havent spoken to since we broke up. We feel apart, and I just confirmed one night what he had attempted to do a month before. Then...I feel...our chances at friendship were broadsided by his friends. They had alot of negative things to say to me...and I countered with negative things back to them. I think it is sad that neither of us can be civil...maybe someday when I dont worry he'll be pissy at me I'll say hi. Who knows. this point probably only Doug has found the patience and the desire to read this far. I appreciate your attention. And hope that I live up to the high standards of friendship that you seem to exhibit routinely. To anyone else still reading...I'm flattered.
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