April 11th, 2004

Matt Leffler

7:1 Pre REVOLUTION

Alrighty many people at this point are already aware of the Easter Weekend Nashville Fiasco between Arty and I. Honestly I will try to portray an unbiased view at the night. A glimpse at my motives...and now the end result.

First off the history. Arty moved in with me in late December of 2003. I needed a roomie and he had decided he wanted to return to Louisville after having left 5 or 6 months ago. Arty felt Louisville was a bad place, with alot of bad people. I argued that geography had nothing to do with it. People that are nice are nice no matter what city they are in...given the correct setting. He tried to get a job and got one after 2 months of living here. Around this time it was obvious to anyone that my crush from a year ago was back and strong. Arty and I began to sleep next to each other at night....but 90% of the time at my request. Arty did say, he had no plans to be in a relationship. Which is kinda true but not really since he was after my ex Derrick. I wondered if he had moved here just to be closer to him?

While he was looking for a job rent, internet and electric was still paid and we went out to eat at least twice a week. And we never missed a night at the bar that we wanted to go too. Arty did pay me back the rent and utilities, but I mention this to show my trust in him, and hope to see him succeed. But he became very depressed which worried me as to how long he'd stay here. Recently in the past year I can think of 4 residencies he has had. He has his reasons...but ultimately its a personal choice whether to give up or work harder.

I used to have what I consider a drug problem. But in the past year I feel extremely good about myself and know that the problem is no longer an active element I have to fight. Similarly in my mind Arty had once worked as an adult dancer at a gay bar while at IU. He doesnt see these as similarly poor decisions. In my mind at least mine didnt call for me to be a soft-prostitute. I dont understand why he seems proud of it, and he had entertained the idea of doing it again a month or so ago. I told him I thought he was beautiful. And that allowing others to see the gift he was for cash was a travesty. This has been a central point we have used to attack each other. Both are poor attempts to belittle the other.

But beyond that we in my eyes had the relationship I wanted. We had sex regularly, we slept together often...we did alot of stuff together like shop and watch TV programs. He would have no problem walking around the house in the briefs he knew I liked to me that was the continuation of our attention to one another. But in the past few months I felt like we were interested in each other on the weekdays..and weekends he would plan stuff without including me...and often didnt tell me anything he was thinking of doing. This pissed me off, cause no matter what day it was he was always welcomed with my friends.

So....I shall now start a new section to explain the night everything crashed down.

Continued in 7:2 The Night
Matt Leffler

7:2 The Night

Continued from 7:1

So this past week Arty has been all about his two jobs. Always tired, usually cranky, and complaining of headaches. So I suggested we go off togther to Nashville. A break from the Louisville stuff would be good, and an opportunity for us to enjoy a mutual vacation TOGETHER. :-) I know we arent BFs...but there is more than just roomies when you have what we did...so this plays into my thoughts.

So Arty volunteered to work Saturday morning. This in my opinion screwed up the day. Why couldnt we just enjoy a Saturday away? He got home at 3ish and was complaining that I wasnt ready...and about his hair....and he needed to eat...and he wanted some shirts from Opry Mills Mall...being the guy who wants to appear as the man who can give ya what ya want I tried to plan all that into a very brief time. He was pissed by the time we hit the hotel. HE felt rushed...which he was, wouldnt have been if he hadnt worked. And he was ticked at the hotel we were in, but since we were just gonna be there a few hours we had picked a cheap place...guess what...its a cheap place. So he continues to complain that Nashville isnt pretty. And he doesnt like it. So I turned to him and said "you hate Louisville, hate Nashville...anywhere I am with you."

So at the bar he grabs me and says "look at that cute boy in the hat. His friend is trying to get us to talk. He's cute I am gonna dance with him." Now...even if we arent dating...dont ditch your partymates. So I said something snippy and we didnt talk for like an hour...nor were we anywhere near each other. So I began to worry that when the bar closed I'd have to be looking around for him...that was kinda gonna get to me. So I found him and told him if he wasnt at the car at 4 I was gonna go anyway. He gets ticked and says.."I am leaving". So not to chase after him I finish my drink and walk out to the car....he isnt there. I go back in the club and have friends looking for him for 30 minutes to 45 minutes...that really sucked. I felt he should be equally looking.

So I leave for the hotel on the off chance he was already there. He was. That made me mad cause I was looking all over for him and he continued to just disregard my night. So I came in the room and started to say the things I knew would be hurtful to him...I guess trying to get him back. I know...bad idea! I said alot of mean things..like I would donate to his LA move fund. And he wasnt over his ex or derrick and thats why we werent together. And that I didnt believe his reason for stripping. Next thing I know he is walking to the Grey Hound Bus Station and refuses to ride home with me. I chased him for 2 miles easy...and begged him to ride home with me. I told him he was gaining nothing by this but hurting me, and playing the wounded victim. So I ran back to my car and got some friends from the bar to take me to the bus station...I went in and searched for him and asked when the next bus left and I called him a million times. To me...what had happened didnt warrant this and to prove a point he was destroying anything we had.

Continued to 7:3 After Night
Matt Leffler

7:3 After Night

I recommend reading all 7:# from 1 to 3. Makes more sense.

So I went back to my exes to figure out what to do. What if he was bluffing? I couldnt leave him. So then Steve, a friend...suggested we go to an after hours bar. He figured since Arty wasnt at the bus station he must have met someone and was at another bar. Never found him...but my night finally improved and I started enjoying myself.

Then on my way home I found his house keys in my car. He forgot them....I didnt take them. He left on his own, I didnt leave him. But suddenly his friend Justin is calling me telling me if I dont unlock the house so Arty can move out that they will call the police. Sorry I am 2 hours away...so they illegally get a locksmith to open my apartment. Arty isnt on the lease, and doesnt have a KY license so I cant begin to understand why they'd open my doors!!!

Long story short, he was moving. I didnt fight it. I dont feel it is in my interest anymore to continue something that is obivously not productive. He thinks I am some evil raged person...but honestly, I am just a guy who gets attached and doesnt want you showing me who your attention is really on.

Ultimately, I was a jealous asshole. And I on purpose tried to hurt Arty with my words. I succeeded. But didnt win anything form it. He continued to show me that he would make it a point to show that he didnt need me around. And because of that he has lost someone that cared about him to an extreme amount.

Good bye Arty. To each of us...never settle for what you dont want.