October 2nd, 2004

Matt Leffler

15:01 My place...

How do you do an LJ cut??? My apologizes to all...:-)

So I must admitt I am having a Judy Garland evening. ..... <picture Matt dancing around in his living room with Judy signing away in a corner with all her enthusiasm and a spot light....next to the plastic tree...lol) Prepare for rambling...maybe worth while to skip ahead to the next paragraph...? I think in every life we learn how to influence our selves to get beyond this or that and to remember the importance of being a big picture person. Honestly...lately I've been a tad down and out, I can always gage this by the level of time I find myself asleep. In the past week, unfortunately I've found myself sleeping on average maybe...16 hours a day? Yeap...its a werid thing about me not sure why I allow this to happen. I mean...in retrospect I have no allowance for being nothing but on clud nine. I have a great BF, a job that like any other job I dislike...but i get paid alright in. I think its mostly money mismanagement on my part that has brought me down. For instance I just had 2200 deposited in my account and I am biting my nails waiting for the inevitable of my over draft to kick in. I had expected more so I had paid more bills than I guess I should have. For instance work cut my pay last month by 400 which they did get back to me this check...but this and that comes into my est. of pay being about 800 short of what I expected. Then with last month I skipped out on paying rent, which had already been a month behind still from back when I was unemployeed...thus I wrote a check for 1500 to cover it all. Then of course the electric...I think I need a new A/C cause I have no clue how but But...anyhow I paid 320 to them, and then I get all of zellous on my life and for instance paid Lyza to clean my house...alittle too too free with that check. Plus I spent alittle over 200 on my car last week, which isnt in the budget. lol. Point being, if my est. was on the money I was gonna have a surplus of like 400 which could have lasted...but now I am in a deficit. And rather than find ways to fix this, ( I think the best way is to just shut down like the government does and wait it out...hence the sleep) but that does me little good. Canada is obviously NO longer on the plate...and why?? Plus I got word that my rent is increasing by about 20%. I cant manage to live on 3200 a month cleared. Thats sad...maybe that failure to manage my personal life is the downer that erodes my want to be part of the day. I dislike the traveling I do, but one answer I think of is as long as I am out of town my company covers my expenses. But I am destroying my car and missing my home. Unfortunately when I am home I just seem to sleep. Sure I get mileage but I did a break down of that and figured after car repairs, and GAS (which is killing me I spend about 150 a week every week on gas at least) after it is all said and done I only get like .123 cents a mile. So...for going 600 miles say...thats 9 hours of driving I only made 73.80. Which really isnt all that grand after you consider I've been gone for 3 or 4 days. End result I think I am going to stay in tonight...which of course will do wonders for my sense of being...lol...and create a spreadsheet that maps out my project income and expenses. I REALLY am thinking it may be a good idea to outsource this very personal matter of finances. I mean...its annoying me enough to where I am publishing it in here so obviously its getting to be a matter that may need external guidance. I am thinking maybe handing over to Lyza all my bills, checkbooks and debit card and figuring out a way to compensate her to allow her to run this show. Cause God knows I seem to have too liberal judgement on my income, and even more liberal judgement on my out going funds. I'd like to think that this isnt my fault and just unavoidable, but either way I think my dont worry be happy and everything will turn out fine tomorrow ways are leading to just mounting issues that arent addressed. It affords for me to appear to be so "together" cause outwardly I worry very little. For instance a group of residents here were discussing the rent increase and I was like...oh well, we'll just have to figure that out. Then the subject of my utility bill was brought up and I responded the same way...my neighbor was like....how are you doing all this? I'd be going crazy...where do you get your money? See....here is where my defense method sheilds me...I dont know how...I just hope it works out. I've always thought worrying was as effective at solving a problem as chewing gum was at solving algebra. But...maybe there is alittle more to it if you are serious with the problem. Anyway it goes, this month represents record defeicts, and increasing instability. Two aspects that dont settle well for me. Hopefully the quick fix of passing the responsibility on to a friend will calm the waters. Now on for the normal discussions... My 7 baby fish were added to the big tank last week. They have doubled in size. So...we went from our low of 3 fish two months ago, to 10 females, 3 males...of which all but one have now been raised from birth by me. I am hoping that the population explosion ahead will allow for me to take less care to keep the world going. The cats are as always the interesting ones of the house. Adolf is increasing becoming a voyer. Ron and I left the bedroom to find that his curious eyes had been fixed on us yet again while we did our thing. Its weird cause Cleo is less interested, possibly we have a gay cat? Brian (my str8 bartender who is climbing the ranks of friendship to a steady close ally position) noted that he believes that pets do take on much of the characteristics of their owner. He says we all three need attention, and that when people are around...we like to be the center of that group. He claims it is not a bad trait, just that some people want to be the host and others are more into a sideline role. But...in this house the 3 of us are never on the sidelines and are all on entertain mode. To me the cats demands for affection gets old...hopefully others have more patience with my demands. My cats are like my attempt to experiment with my hope that I can be a long term reliable source of companionship and support. I mean...when people get tired of being these two things ... a pet is an easy release. But...luckily I've kept my end of the bargain as best I can for 3 years now, they seem extremely social...happy and every night I crawl in bed and I know at least one of them realizes that they can crawl next to me and find affection. Plus, Adolf seems the most at ease with me, he likes to lay on his back next to me as I watch TV. And...animialistically cats dont leave their most vulernable spot..(their belly) out with someone they dont trust. I just have to attempt to project this trustworthyness to the people in my life that I feel so trusting of... Ron is spectacular. He has his moments which annoy me, but often they should be aspects I should enjoy. This week I got on him for excessive calling. For instance we were talking and he said he'd call me in an hour when he left this store he was at...but I said WHY? Will there be any reason? What will have changed? Thats an assy response on my part...but honestly I feel like we talk at least once every 3 hours, and sometimes...it becomes a chore to me to be available for each talk. But then...isnt this what you would want from the most important person in your life? I guess I am tight walking the line between becoming a mature partner in building a relationship...and releasing the freeness of being a self defined bachelor. All I know...is that I claim he calls too much and I ask for alone time, but I also get pissed if he doesnt call or try to see me for a day. :-) Thank god he has the patience to weather the storms of Hurriance Matt. For me to ever be down is probably an afront to the blessing and gift that he is to my life. While I may not always act like he is the center to my gravity...I know I rely on him to bring so much joy to my life. I love him, and couldnt image these past 6 months of love involving any one else. Without his presence, this carnaval I call life would have so many more days that I chose to sleep rather than be apart of the warmth of sunlight. Anyway I look at it, I know I need him more than he needs me. With that said, he is moving alittle closer to me. Instead of being a 10 minute drive, he'll be about 15 steps from my front door. My bedroom window looks 7 feet away into his new front door. It is like living together, but keeping our personal space. So while I get to have apt. 206 he is in 203. One thing that annoyed me yesturday was a guy named Rick. He is Ron's ex, whom I have never met. I feel that there has to be a reason why someone can try to be friends with their ex and never meet their new love in 6 months. Rick is taking Ron to see Cats Wednesday. I wasnt invited...and that builds my resentment over Rick. But I know that it is not my place to make Ron chose between his friends and his BF. So I am just trying to focus my pissyness at a phantom person whom I feel hasnt showed any respect for my current position within Ron's life. In an attempt to not be left out I bought 2 tickets on my own to Cats the day before and asked a friend to go with me. God grant me the wisdom to be the person I want to be for Ron, while still being true to my suspicions of Rick. I had the unique oppurtunity to spend alot of time with Brian. He helped me out at work alot lately and we went on a road trip this week that took us across 4 states and discussions of extreme depth and honesty. He is a very attractive guy, and I admitt I had a strong crush on him when we first met. Luckily Ron allowed it to play itself out and that crush has built to a friendship that I value more than to jepordize its future by a cheap attempt to change the str8 boy over to gay. Sex unfortunately seems easier to find than a person you can sit with for 5 hours and talk about your views on life. Family wise, I was told that me and my brother have so much more in common than we know. We never hang out, but recently with work I had him go with Ron to 5 stores to get things caught up. Interestingly my BF and brother have spent more time together than I have with my bro. Whatever that says of my ignorant priorities...it is something I fear one day I'll feel was a mistake. But who has time for all of the things that are important? I need more time to work, more time for Ron, more for family, more time to say how much my close friends are important to me...I just feel so behind on so much, and worry so few realize what I think about them. I need to make some steps to correct that. I saw a commercial which puts it all in a good one liner. "The things you remember the most, aren't things." I further want to note that I dont spend snough time reading the journals and lives of so many people that are important to my journal. I appreciate their wisdom and comments, and know yet again...they show more patience with me than I do with them. Doug in particular is a person who found me here, and I worry I've been the one that has gained from this relationship the most. ProtectingPyro...Billythakid...bobbyboy...bottleoffun...sexyd....and so many more of my online friends make this venue of self exploration so much more calming and caring. I want so much of myself, and I want so much of myself to be good for so many. I worry that either I set too high of goals that I am certain to fail, or maybe I just set goals...and remain envolped in my own private world. Is this all a front? I mean...I've been told I am an easy person to meet, but a hard person to know. That was handed to me by my ex of 3 years brandon. A person whom no matter how far from romantic love I have ventured, remains one person I feel should be the most able to pass comment on my being. Derrick...another person I saw and tried to let in, whom has grown to be a trsuted advisor...while he rarely passes judgement when he does it secretly is remembered and thought over extensively. I say something sometimes and he'll simply say..."That isnt the Matt I know"...and that phrase will be the source of more thought than so many more words. I am not getting any younger, and I am not old I know...but I wonder so much if I am growing...If I am becoming a better person...or if I am just existing...and thus wasting so much important time. This has been a posting of self-exploration and self thought...I'd like to think this new chapter signals me attempting to improve who I am. As a song goes that I relate too... "The wind is moving but I am standing still. A life of pages waiting to be filled. A heart thats hopefully, a head full of dreams. But this becoming is harder than it seems. Feels like I am looking for a reason, roaming through the night looking for my place in this world. Not a lot to lean on, I need your light to find my place in this world. Hear me asking where do I belong...is there a vision, I can call my own?" I know...sappy...but it sums up the general mindset of the person behind these keystrokes. By the way...too many words misspelt to fix. :-) Just go by the context and forget the english mistakes.
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