September 4th, 2005

Matt Leffler

I've learned to much.....to try to prove myself.

LORD. Thank you for my live journal. While I may be drunk....I will do my best to erxpress the thought6s I have to the worl;d. LISTEN TO ME.

1. YOU are only worth the allowance YOU GIVE yourself. Dont expect others rto respect you if you dont. Within the people I know....only one......I think is on the same level as me. I wont prove myself to you. Simply put ... look around....I dont beg for anyones attention cause I feel if I need to one of two things has happened......a. I've become a fool. Who needs to gain some consistency in my ACTIONS and believe in myself rather than fail in my self promotion....or,........b. YOU ARE A FOOL. Either you have fallen into the sadly misjudged group....which has no idea what I bring to the relationship ( someone you will know, hug at the bar....smile when we see each other...in over 3 years. Seriously. Look around. How many of my close friends have been around since before you knew me? And maybe you dont understand....I may not see my best friends everyday....or week....even months with jimmy in mind ..... YOU ARE...the foundation of my self worth. If I couldnt keep a long term friend I'd feel thart I have to change...BUT it always seems my exes become my F R I E N D S (note that the word may be unfamiliar to you....maybe you havent learnred friendship yet...or maybe ..... we've leanred that there is blame to share and NONE of it matters anymore. Point being, I am calculated. I do things because of the outcome I see long term. I have also learned a couple other lessons:

1. If you walk up to him ...we'll say at a bar....and he is more intertested in someone he just ran into......watch me.:-) Cause I remember the first 2 truths I noted above.....1. I am no fool. And I will treat myself better than you. 2. If you have any plans other than to find me and fix it RIGHT THEN.....you best. I'll miss the loss, but I will walk away from a failing relationship before you can say W T F? IF you are an EX BF... note that you are:

1. OVER. DONE. SPENT. MORNING AFTER. GET off your butt and STOP attempting to get on my good side, or attempting to make me jealous. All you do, is make me feel bad for the next guy. Beleive in yourself, stick to YOUR planb....and proive yourself to only......YOU. IF you think things will change you need to realize, I love you....and deep in my heart I feel....for whatever reason our relationship was a failure. AND that doesnt change in a matter of months. YEARS .... maybe.....probably decades. Your an ex...think back, how often do I return to a relationship? TRUELY....my past....is behind me. If you want to join me in the present you better do it differently than you did when we dated....

22222...... IF I preach to the world all the glory of how much I like you.....and we are a fresh new relationship....and you feel like I am just all about you.....you'll find that I adapt VERY fast.....and that I have sadly accepted the fact ..... if we are going to be.....we will be.....and so your temp. lack of interest only warrents my gaze to someone who has learned the lesson that......relationships are a comprimise. YOU will have to go HALF way to work. And if you refuse to .... and force eceptions for your self.....you suck. AND if you expect someone who will wait around and allow you to have your fun....you'll quickly learn that Matt Leffler thinks highly of himself.....to the point that UI will go out of my way to be unavailable if I feel you forgot me. AND BEFORE SOMEONE THINkS MOPRE THAN THERE IS IN THAT STATEMENT......I'll remind you , I dont want you back....and I just want you to learn that in this life tuime so much of me is made of what I have learned....and no matter how that story ends.......you have REWITTEN my life by being my friend!

I am who I am because I knew you.(me) Each person teaches me so much more than they will know. BUT....I still wait for a guy who will do as much as me......to show I am dedicated to seeing this relationship through. NOW to the failures...I mean friends...to clear the air....I ask forgiveness for the things you blame me for....but like a commet pulled from orbit....I have been changed by you and never the same.....who can say if I was good or for the better? BUT....log into your account

NOW....A COUPLE POINTS. 1. Dont get comfortable in my attention. You'll lose it quicker than you gained it.

2. IF you lost it....stop looking like a weirdo. Dont FORCE yourself into my life....show some self respect and step awayu before you are pushged away. ASK YOURSELF...... how serious I take you. With that in mind, you dont need to fuill me in on your a. none discussion worthy talk. 2. Consitently iming me first. IF .....NOTE.....IF I havent tried talking to you (goes for boys who are listed) then again....save some self worth and realize i will never miss you if I am always annoyed by you. Seriously...if you know my life...and what I am probably doing while on away (work)....ask yousertlf ....why am I going offline, restart the modem and renew your ipconfig. or maybe I dont want to talk..............that means it is stupid to keep cal;ling and trying to talk. If I want to be alone......leave me.

OTHERWISE.,......realize if the crowd isnt yelling for an encore....you need to exit stage left. I personally try to exit before you even ask me....and sometimes that makes you think I am the problem.....but I"D rather get on with my life than build towards nothing.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO end result. IF YOU ARE WORTH noticing...let others notice you...dont demand attention. IF you put yourself first, and me second.....I'll be around for a long long time. BUT.....know thaT i REWARD THOSE WHO show themselves........I'll leave the bar without you and go home alone rather than chase. BUT.....I also am the same one who has driven out of state to give his ex a ride ...... from TN back home. WHY? Cauise I believed in US then. JUST as I believed in each person I ever sought out. I will offer my hopes, dreams and self freely cause I expect to meet someone else who values the same tings I do. Othewrwise.....just like a boy.....if it is gone, wait 3 minutes and you'll bew on yourt wayt and forget the previous transaction.

ALSO.....promoting yourself as an unconsistent, unable to make mature choices......unable to be interested in the same guy after a week.....friend.......earns you very little credit.

POINT BEING. IF I TIME HAS PASSED....get over it. IF OUR TIME IS AHEAD......stay with me......:-)

I expect no MORE than I give in respect. AND.....
  • Current Mood
    accomplished i know who I am
Matt Leffler

(no subject)

So did I mention I got pissed at web host company #2 for the qaweb.net and horizonmll.com sites and while the sites were down over 2 to 3 days I built and configured my own server?
Seriously....I dont mean I got a new host. When you type http://www.qandaweb.net or http://www.horizonmll.com you now access my desktop directly. dnsstuff.com you can run a ping on those addresses and the ip returned is mine here in Louisville, KY. Which is hot, cause now I have host company #1, #2 and then there is my desktop with all the room and pretty sweet speeds. http://mp3.qandaweb.com for instance opens my music folder. All you need is a password to access. SO...I have my music available to me, anywhere...
The implications are fierce. Cause what I now have available to me is equivalent to 20 times the best yahoo.com hosting plan....that costs $40 a month...and its 1/20 the space I now have, and...my server offers mysql,php and such just as they. I even have my mail server, ftp server and telnet servers setup under the http service.
This also allows me to host any number of domains and sub domains at no cost. Its as easy as making a new folder on my desktop. Speeds??? http://qandaweb.net just tested with a 3578 kbps down, and 359 kbps up should be switched (directionally) when considering that your accessing the net the opposite direction. Point being? when you download the ftp client at http://qandaweb.net I just got a 160 kbps connection....which is good enough...downloaded 3 mbs in 10 secs.

ANYHOW...I have trouble getting to work on time. SO I am off...

Point of doing this? Actually not much right now. Just did it ... to do it. But now I have