May 4th, 2006

Matt Leffler

Dear Journal

JESUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about a life in transition all in a good way but also developing into a weakness of pride due to a boy.

The job is continuing to show promise. They take of me and I feel like I am in a position to join into the dancing of mutual gratification. Although the work space erupted into the debates I make in my head and with others today. Evolution vs. Creationism.  You see……90% of the Help Desk’s 25 or so people appear to be the gay friendly, left minded, liberal souls that I associate with and the 10% just sum up the average dumb American. It slowly dissipated in debate with one guy calling the other ignorant because he was into “faith.” Then suddenly ten minutes after the liberal called the conservative faith member “ignorant”….he did what I feel contradicts the Christian beliefs and simply ran into the process of proving he evolved from cave men. “ Fuck this! You wanna go outside?” I looked up from my desk and saw the “Christian” going across the room to the liberal who ( remember this is 10 minutes after the argument ended) then began to express that they can settle the argument outside! WHAT THE HELL? God! Seriously….GOD! Now is the idea of creationism and Christianity helped with the opposite of turn the other cheek teachings?? I shock my head….and just settled further into the notion that faith….is flawed.

(no names of course)ED: - “Fire and Brimstone”  Don’t make plans to hangout and then because you have a date suddenly go to the same event and then leave when I get there with the boy to eat together. I am sitting here on the phone asking where you are and low and behold you have walked off to have spaghetti. I give you ample time to invite me along. I mean…lets face it…Brent and I were exceedingly generous with our invites even driving out of our way to retrieve him when he had full capacity to make the trip on his own. But then that’s just how I am with a friend. If ED were 19 or 22 I’d leave a bitchy message expressing to him the fault in his actions….but since he is in his mid-thirties he should already know and any message of dissatisfaction would be pouting. So…I just decided to be true to myself and to invest equaling into the friendship with equal loyalty. As noted in this journal 800 billion times….( maybe less?:-)) I can be right there and the one you can count on….but when you disrespect me….I’ll shut off that avenue and demonstrate more pride than you’ve seen in a long time from a fag.

BRENT

He is the main reason why I am talking now to you journal. I have lost the center of my universe to his trip to Chile. Phone calls are not going to be daily as I am used too. My lips will chap with out the moisture of his mouth. I am experiencing a lack of will for sex. If I can’t have him….what is the point? ***If you experience the feelings I have had for another person you too will be a changed person*** And that is what I am. Changed. So different than I was once I laid eyes on him. Our relationship isn’t built on the need to be with someone and the allowance to sleep with others. Our relationship isn’t money centric. Our worst was horrible. Most here locally know how we fought sometimes over stupid stuff…I think 2 black eyes and a broken hand indicate the raw passion. But our lows no matter how low….were desperation…two people who had no idea what they’d become to each our struggling with these thoughts and these dreams that made them more vulnerable to another person than they had wanted to be with others. A lack of self understanding…..why do I want this boy more than the life I have had?? So Brent returns Aug. 2 to the USA. It is marked on my calendar. And today …his first day away….I find myself memorializing him! Seriously….I saved two tickets from a festival we went too(thunder). I took a shot of his tequila about an hour ago and I decided I’d be saving the bottle.  I look at my bed which the frame has broken on......Why???:-) Cause it is a connection to the soul that I am overwhelmed by…Brent is in no less a word beautiful. But his inner self is equally if not more wonderful to experience. I laughed today at work….and realized it wasn’t my laugh. I had imitated Brent’s deviant laugh. Lol. Like when you laugh at someone making a mistake…falling….i did his laugh. I thought….wow. Subconsciously I attributed his laugh at the moment to be perfection…..and in the true form of LIFE imitating ART I did what I felt was the best example of expressing that feeling. In Life imitating ART I am life. I am reality I am jaded, I am gritty, I am flawed, I am unfair, I am a struggle. He is ART. The personification of the perfection of life. The pure essence of who you envision your life to be with. I sat at work yesterday and researched the option of covering Brent as a spouse at my job. I can. And the notion that I am looking into that is an indication of my life.   And I say so much....maybe too much....but I said it and I feel better.

FRIENDS: So 90% of who I have become ( who I am proud of becoming ) is BRENT. And I found myself alone today. Without a soulmate to talk too. I felt alone. I was alone. I called like 8 friends. And I am going to have to rely upon these friends whom I have been distant too inable to get past these days of summer. Summer.  You know I historically have a love interest begin in spring and that grows through summer and dies in fall. Summer is my relationship cycle. Lol. And Brent came in Fall evolved throughout the winter (keeping me warm ) and spiraling into the troposphere during spring. This summer will be so odd. I’ll need these friends. I can’t see my summer focused on anyone else.

And to belt out these words and sincerely mean them........I hope you don't mind. That I put down in words. How wonderful life is now that YOUR in the world. .... 
  I am getting drunk to the past 7 months with a boy I have to say I was "blessed" with.  In all my detraction of God and religion...he is the only explaination for the guy I dream too....oh I am getting runk to Faith Hill.....Breathe....dancing alone....in my basement.  With his tequilla....thinking of him.