June 27th, 2006

Matt Leffler

sleep eludes me...just like Brent.

Good God in heaven.  Is this ever gonna pass?  I can't sleep, I check my email everyday wondering if Brent is trying to talk to me.  Sure I told him leave me alone...but I figured if he really "loved" me he would ignore that!  lol....:-)  Honestly...the lol isnt true...I'm not laughing.  I hate that I dont have him around.  But even if I do email him he cant be around for another 35 days at best...and even then the past couple times I have emailed him he took days to get around to me when he had access to email me.  Why is it that I can check my email 3 times a day looking for him and he can go three days or more after I send him an email?  And just so we have it all out...this is what he last said to me....( I know he probably wouldnt want this all aired in the journal...but I figure two things....1. He isnt coming back..so it doesnt matter. 2. He see this and emails me. )

"I wish you would quit always jumping to conclusions and never listening to explanations. You always only believe what you want to believe, and see things through your own narrow-minded way of thinking. The fact that you just went to such measures to keep me from contacting you just makes you seem soooo immature.... i would like to talk about this.... obviously, you don't, and you're probably gonna believe whatever it is you want to believe in that head of yours anyway, despite what i say. SO, since I can no longer email you to talk about this and since you just blocked me online (how old are we?) i guess there's no way we can resolve this, unless you want to. SO, my hands are tied. If you wanna talk, we'll talk.... if you don't, there's absolutely nothing i can do.....

brent

and i did just watch the video (since today was the first day i had the opportunity to, mind you) and i loved it... i appreciate it.... but i don't know what the hell you want from me..... if you want me to say that i wanna be with you forever, i'm sorry.... i can't say that right now.... and if you can't respect that and understand that and give me the space i need, then i don't know how this can work.....

"

How can it work?  What is going on in this damn world....OH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am going to break out and email him.  SHIT!