July 8th, 2006

Matt Leffler

33:08 Nuts but in a good way...:-)

So I was using the dishwasher and decided hey..all I have is this Joy....I know you shouldnt use it...but i mean....what harm could just a dab do??  Next thing I knew I was mopping the floor....I think that kills two birds with one stone.  :-)  Also if Cleo throws up one more time ( already at 4 times ) then when I am away or sleeping she will not be allowed to leave the kitchen and bathroom.  Mark my words....Cleo if your reading this....think again before you stick your paw down your throat!

So we all already know that I'm a tad nuts....but in a good way.  All my weird ticks even my obsessions and visions of grandeur all make me a predictably unpredictable person.  I was thinking about my views, my actions....my stupid items....hopefully they find an endearing trait status with some.  So with regard to my anxiety about new people I pinpointed how I NEVER hit on a guy I want when I see him...if he crosses the line or if we are online then I abundantly loss all resentence and cross that boarderline but...for instance...I was jogging a couple days ago with a friend and we passed this EXTREMELY HOT BEAUTIFUL BOY...we made eye contact, smiled and then I looked away and jogged on and my friend was like....hey that guy liked you....you should say something...and I was like...ahh....nahhh....with the idea that I need to jog at the same hour from now on.  Then we ran into another friend who was jogging and I was like...did you see the hottie in the green shirt??  And he was like....shit i took a pic of him on my camera phone....lol....boys....freedom....and all the opportunites I pass up.  I am gonna start working on that...not knocking Matt's friendship and not saying I dont appreciate the time...but I have these personal goals to tackle....break out of my norm.  And...honestly...I think I've really done so much of that already.    So some new music.....

http://horizonmll.com/aslongas.mp3 As long as your mine - Wicked      .....      I really like this song right now...reminds me a tad of an old flame that I am still always around.
http://horizonmll.com/noonemourns.mp3 No one mourns the wicked - Wicked  ....  I like this one too...its helping me on along in the getting over someone stages.

So lets look at the stages of loss which apply to breakups....where am I??  I got these from an article on the net and just added where I see my actions....
1. Shock and Denial - yeap...had that one.  
2. "If only" - when you've been operating through life expecting things to reverse and recycling your memories and thinking....if only I.... - yeah, that was kinda concurrent with number 1.

----  During this period your acting as if your still together, having trouble not saying your together, having trouble making decisions thinking they aren't gonna be there, you have trouble focusing and question the purpose of your direction in life....all normal.
Fear, anger and depression, you make comments that are overly harsh about yourself....you blame your actions or appearance  -  well for me fear was first....what am I gonna do now?  Will I ever find someone that wants something more??? Then with that the depression was momentary....lets not forget that I have 300 mg of Wellbutrin, 36 mg of Concerta all fighting any dispair.  Sure it was there, but I do have the benefit of 9 other relationships having ended AND three of those were much longer than this...7 months is a relatively average time for me, so not an exceptional loss I havent felt.  Now I am kinda in the Anger stage.  Just pissed, see him as having been either a fake or a differnet person now.  When I hear lines like....good over comes evil....then I see myself as good and specifically him as the evil.  I used to question wether I should email him and say this or that....but now....I don't have any real want to talk to him...cause the betrayal of my love sums up any real feelings about Brent.  I dont hate...Its just if he had 50 points of good in my mind, he lost 50 points and now....he is a mute subject.  I'm indifferent.  I expect to see him at the bar, I feel sure I'll walk up, say hello...so that he knows I'm fine with him around...and then I'll walk on...cause I don't really want to reward the rejection of what I offered with anything more than acknowledging that once he was all I needed and wanted.  Just kinda showing respect for the feelings I at least had...awesomely powerful feelings.  But...I am not stage 3 just yet...cause I still think of him, am still reminded of him, still cant bring myself to put away reminders of him.  I did place our picture upside down in the box of other pics...so I didnt see it everytime I passed that box.  I took the first rose he gave me and put it up hi in a window seal in my room....not easily noticed...but still protected.  His love letter, card that he gave me when he thought we were right....those have found themselves in the book I keep all my past relationships in....until then...his letter, his card...were both out in the open.  Keith Urban - You'll Think of Me is the soundtrack to my view right now......Point being as I drone on and on...I'm removing the past from the present so I have a future.
You suddenly realize that you havent thought about him in several days or weeks.  You didnt think of him when you heard a love song, you are now....moving on...you may slide back from time to time....but....once you find that you aren't upset with...and arent wishing for someone.....then it is over.   

Honor your mistakes....and....No one is alone, no matter how hard it is to see the light, just dont let it go.  

OH....and I think I shall take a short break from the journal....post when something actually happens other than my mind shifting directions with the wind.  BUT BEFORE WE BREAK....Here is your moment of Zen.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqLvBUSJucg