August 1st, 2006

Matt Leffler

33:18 Brave...I prefer confident

So lets pick up on Friday.  David came over after I picked up 10 bottles of wine.  We had the merlot of course, Pinot Noir, Pinot Grigio, Chianti and a Zinfandel. Of which only the half the merlot, chianti and Zinfandel made it through the night.  David and I had dinner at Cafe 360 and drank a couple bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon which honestly did affect me a tad.  As we walked through the backyard past the pool David was complaining the water was cold I handed him my cell phone and jumped in ... belt, pants and shirt....only to realize that I had a bunch of other crap in my pockets.  But we rolled with it.  We started drinking and waited for the crew to arrive.  In that downtime I decided I wanted a pack of cigarettes...I know I know...but this is a funny picture.  We got out of the pool, dripping wet and drunk..I put on a superman t-shirt and he put on some glow in the dark shirt I've had since 1997 and in flip flops we walked into Thortons...then David and I realized neither of us had a license...but he was like...oh they'll still give them to you...then he handed me an ice cream cone he wanted and I walked up to the cashier....and realized....I'm wearing a kids shirt, wet, holding an ice cream...asking for cigarettes....guess dice.  I was sent packing....but David helped make up for it by handing me the wrapping from his ice cream and told me I could lick it...I was like....Bitch....your just too good to me!  So we then got Tony over and Greg and headed out to the bar...the night went well and I kept my expenses somewhat controled...cept I paid Tony's way in ... which I offered ....just since he is under 21 it costs a few drinks.  But anyhow...Saturday started late as I am a night owl these days....finally we pulled it together...Thanks Derrick for the wine glasses....we had some more of the wine and I did my usual 2 or 3 shirts exchanges looking for the one that made me feel....right.  And took a picture...after I think we were having issues figuring out where the camera was pointed....looks like we were falling over...course I am expecting I'll spend most of tomorrow wiping the tonic water off of the kitchen floor and exploded after I was made aware of red wine on my shirt and David told me to use it...that was a mess.  Then we hit the bar running....dont recall too much of it.  But I did chase down a guy I've known for sometime and grab his number...then I agreed to sponsor Tony in again but from there it is pretty much a blur.  I remember Greg telling Joey to watch me...I suppose I was already looking a mess....then the night fast forwards to me in the backyard with David and Ron and I'm back in the pool at 5am.  Talk about hangover....

Then of course Sunday rolled around and I landed back at the bar where I turned down going home with a guy I kinda like but cause of the words he used in presenting the whole idea to me.  He asked if I wanted to cuddle and sleep at his sweet....course...he is living at his exes....but when we look past that...he said "I just want to cuddle with someone." I was like.....someone?  Someone could be anyone.  And I am not that generic.  So...the conversation went sour and I went off and got another guys number and got up this morning... alone of course...but to 7 text messages trying to explain stuff about how someone wasnt anyone...and yadda yadda.  I do also recall dancing on the box at one point Sunday night....and some guy...kissing me but it took me a second to realize what was happening...anyhow..crazy.  Greg said it was "Brave" of me to not bend to the guy who wanted since I had dated Brent I'd kinda lost my ego...and it was kinda funny to see it back.  My ego.  Ha!  Anyhow...just got a text also from a guy I've known forever but we've never really talked...he is cute, my age...looks I figured I'd tell him that apparently after we date enough people and get dumped we were gonna be husbands...that was prolly a tad of my drinking...but he is cute and hey...he is my age.  So we are supposed to hangout sometime this week.  
I sat there this morning talking to my doctor...he asked when Brent gets back...( the Dr. is gay and seems to serve as my mental health advisor ) I told him the number of hours....he stepped back and was like...your waiting for him arent you?  I really think you need to start seeing a psychologist and break from this whole thing...i was like...buddy...I'm not waiting...but you also can't break away from someone and not remember the important day you looked for the past several months.  But I doesnt always come back around to him...I am honestly making strides.  I have my confidence back, my self image improved with the job, apartment and slimming figure.  It takes a bit of time and self reflection.  I do know...that I am at least... Happy and hopefull