August 5th, 2006

Matt Leffler

35:01

   


The Book of Matthew

     
 

 




The surprise public ending...as I step back.


 


 


 

35:01 - The
Prophecies Go Private

So any ways I
have had this journal now since 2003 I have posted hundreds of times and
a few several tens of thousands of words.  I've enjoyed people
referring to my journal from time to time when I see them out but at
some point you have to decide who you are posting for and if a public
journal allows you to express your opinions and mind uninhibited. 
Anything we place into text can be read in the wrong way and annoyingly
more and more I find myself posting with the hope that one person reads
it and that person isn't me.


That takes my true mind off of my journal and
places it into a pity party or grandstanding of sorts which does not
fulfill any real purpose other than making me look foolish or leaving my
weaknesses easy prey.  Plus working in the IT business people
notice that your email address is your own domain and then they start
digging around and quickly find your journal and all your inner thoughts
however NOT professional.  Plus I always tried to keep a happy
happy joy joy appearance on here which...while that may be a lot of me
it isn't always and I still at this point am not ready to allow people
to see me in a more realistic human light.  To be truly free in a
public journal is simply where I don't have the courage to be exposed. 
It is time to look inward and not to pretend through a magical world
that my words are finding the audience I intend.  I'm too complex
and still too fragile.


Glasnost
is a great freeing thing within itself but
as we saw in the way this word was historically used....it also lead to
the demise of the author.  ( See what will the world do with out my
symbolism?  Probably exactly what they always did.)


During this time I have talked about countless
people, countless emotions, surprises, politics, expectations, losses,
religion, romance, death, money and most of all dreams.  I
guess that's what my message has been...one of being free to dream. 
Keeping a foolish romantic abandoness for almost every application of
oneself seems to be the way I operate.  Ninety five percent of what
I've said has been public record and honestly right about now I need a
little more shade and shelter.


Certain recent postings are going off the air
as they do little to help me move forward in life.  Friend postings
offer so much more protection and now that is the least I think I want. 
Of course I don't how long I'll feel this way.  Anyone who has read
my journal knows my mind changes often and my direction is driven by the
prevailing winds so...lets just try this out a bit.  If you want to
read, I don't really know why ... but your free to request access.


Otherwise ... I'll catch you later.

    email: matthew@kymatt19.com
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    "I'll never get over you getting over me." - Expose
Matt Leffler

36:01 SO...now that it is just us!

I am watching Mr. and Ms. Smith.....and they are in this wild fight scene kicking ass and destroying their house and I thought of Brent and I. :-) You may recall each of us have had black eyes and I broke my hand ... and then they kick into sex mode and I am like... damnit.... still us.