August 20th, 2006

Matt Leffler

36:12 Yes I AM Matthew Leffler.

So anyhow...Most of my 27th year was dogged by a scarey change in my mental self which I honestly feel like has been dismantled and replaced with 1-26th year mentality. Last year's Matt ... was always worried. Unsecure about the guy who he dated cause the guy proved to be flighty in his conviction of accepting himself. If a guy still beleives that people can change their sexual orientation he is still buying into the lies of a moral minority. He is still leaving onpen in his mind that he can be "normal." He hasn't committed to himself and he never could have committed to me. Which ultimately brought Matt Leffler down to a shambles of himself. I was walking around last night feeling like I was the shit...stopping every couple steps to talk to people and hug people...flirt here flirt there...why...cause your still Matt Leffler. You see...confidence was always a trait of me. To the point that David mentions me in his myspace profile survey as the most confident person he knew. Brent took that from me. And then when someone is always expecting the world to end they act crazy, they act out. No I cooly was on the phone the day before my birthday, after getting an email from Brent who said we couldnt even be friends cause he was self righteous and knew the way to the promised land....I am sitting here on the phone....on the day I lost a key leg to my table of stability to 1000 miles....A day that Tony and I had this understanding that we had a fight just no one really said was more of one of silence and looks as I continued to entertain the people around me. POint being...yesturday wasn't the most stable night to spring board out to the bar on....BUT....that night the guy who used to need so much when he was 27 ..... simply ended the call with Tony by saying "You didn't admitt to doing anything wrong, which to me says you think you did nothing wrong. So I can't teach that you have to learn on your own and... I guess there isn't anything else to say." And that was the end of it. I could have folded. I could have ignored stuff. I could have looked to him simply to be next to someone since Brent was not around...but I didn't. I didn;t want too. I figured I was better off alone. The postings with the rating systems on the boys I have dated in the past months...those show a guy seeking a distraction from Brent. That was a copeing mechanism. But I don't need a distraction.:-) Cause I took a fresh look at him and he isn't who I thought he was ... and he REALLY wasn't worth me stepping off into some tail spin of not being who I always was.

Lets look at this ... He says he wasn't himself that year and he didnt feel good. :-) I say I wasn't myself and I didnt feel good. Out of character. BUT ... both boys are back where they are supposed to be. Course he was becoming someone I could have loved, but he fell back into his closet.

Breaking it down ... Last night was good. Confronted with adverse scenarios didnt phase my positive outlook. David had to keep dragging me around...not to get me to have fun.....but to get me to stop talking to this pocket here and that pocket there that I kept enjoying. Getting from one room to the next took multiple "come on Matt Leffler." :-) I was in my element and I liked it. Course as noted he was a pillar of that elemental composition. I'm Matt Leffler and I have a plan for myself ... if you don't wanna be there someone else will and I won't get side tracked again.

Lets be a little juvenile....but the song of the moment right now is.... Stronger-Britney Spears

My loneliness isn't killing me anymore.