August 28th, 2006

Matt Leffler

36:17 You make me feel mighty real

So anyhow...

I got outa bed today at 1pm after working this morning. Made a sandwich, pet the cats and thought....blahh its ugly outside and I am off to bed again. So I got up at 4:00pm and started watching some show on showtime and played a bit of a computer game...lost interest rather swift and sent a text message to the boy I am pursuing. Figured it would put me in his mind and be non-intrusive. Then about 5:15 I crawled back into bed cuddled with the cats and heard my cell phone ringing....springing out of bed....I found I missed his call. Called him right back and it went to voicemail after a few rings and as I left a message call waiting alerted me that he was on the other line....SWITCH....Hello. :-) He is full of energy and refreshed from work he says ( he works 3rd shift too ) and I am like...cool...well...lets do something. He was like??? himm....what shall we do? I say Movie? Shop? (Secretly we could clean his toilet and I'd have fun) but he was like...sure Movie sounds really good. He is off work the next two days ... oh and so am I! So...he is gonna do his dinner thingy he already had planned and then call me. We ended the call with me saying "I'll anxiously await your call.:-)" I know that makes me sound interested...but...it also provides affirmation to him that I really am looking forward to hanging out again.
The moment that call ended I called Derrick .. course .. hung up after a couple rings...:-) Wasnt like I had much to say other than this stuff, then I realized I needed to get moving on my day to be ready for him. Grabbed my ADHD pills (which is nothing less than speed) and played a song I shall share with you.

http://www.horizonmll.com/youmakemefeel.mp3

And then I sat there in place and jogged and danced in the mirror for a spell.

Nothing like a call and plans with a guy who you are fascinated by to get you into the day, no matter how ugly it is outside.

BRING IT!
Matt Leffler

33:18 And it comes to this

So ... tonight if you are in the inner circle of call buddies your phone has been blown up by my latest dating scenario.

He called to cancel the movie. But he is coming over first before the bars to come get me. He is ... freaking awesome. No matter how the cards fall...this boy...is a catch. And I am just trying to land myself into the spot that leads me to what I seek.
He is coming over first....to get me. That says something. BUT ... he did end the movie. I am getting wildly different advice than I would do from my friends. Greg says he is in a bad scenario and needs a guy he knows will be around in a couple weeks and who has enjoyed having sex...and that I should focus on sex. I want more than sex. Greg says when he gets here I should just pull the lube out and ask....does he want too? BUT I am kinda a weird person...i want to hangout a tad first with him before that..even if we already did it. I want to think we can be friends before we have sex. Greg says i am pushing myself and my ideas on to him. I think I am being supportive of more. David said he'd prolly fuck me if that was the situation but he would later think I was a slut. I agree. I love sex with this guy. I mean....4 times in the first night we had someone's legs in the air....but we talked first .... we bonded first. And I have to say....if greg is right...i dont think I am interested. How can that move forward?
Greg may be right. Greg may know how we should go to become husbands...but I have a crazy idea...

One of romance. One of Tony Bennet singing "The way you look tonight" as we meet eyes in the bar light and us thinking collectively...I want that man.

A few things will happen tonight. 1. He will know I think he is stellar. 2. If we become more than I will embrace that...if we don't then I want to be friends cause he is an awesome person that I respect. 3. That I know how he feels about being recently dumped...and how I know it is hard to think of someone else when you try to move on....but that I hope when he sees me...he sees someone who isn't his ex...and he likes it as much as I like it.

Tonight is the end or the beginning. But then I guess no matter what happens it could all be up to interruptation. End result...N is the boy. He is. He doesnt know it. He probably doesnt totally realize what I think of him...and he is probably unsure considerering his boy just dumped him. BUT his boy ( who is my friend ) is nothing short of a complete and utter weird crazy person. You dont fuck up with a guy like him...you dont dump him for some stupid boy you have near you now. Hell the new boy isnt as cute, sweet, smart, artistic or special as the one you let go. And I know that. And...N doesnt really see that I know that. He is more worried and understandly so...that his ex....is not after him. Shame on the ex...even if he is a long time friend. N is someone you try to keep...you expect you arent worthy to have him...and you know each time he calls your breath is taken away.

To a boy a found at the wrong time. Thank you for what we have had...most likely it wont be enough for you cause while we have both been dumped recently...YOU were a phenomenal individual who is blinded by the rejection you wrongly received by a person who is not as stupid as me. BUT ... no matter what ... you'e dated him for so long and you by human nature follow his actions with more sub substance than I follow your ex.

Tonight will be it. Either he goes for me or be leaves me behind. And as I have noted in several journal enteries...he is worth bring left by...he is in a space where no one really can expect much more from...but...he is someone...that everyone wants.

So tonight I'll play the part I should. I'll laugh with him...while dreaming of his kisses. I'll walk with him while imagining our presence as one at the bar, and I'll be envious of the one that finds him once he has recovered. In time he will look back and see that I saw him as an angel and in time he will and I will move on...but for a moment...he knew...he was mine. And...that moment was spectacular. He gave energy to my day...he gave reason to my calls to my friends...and he will always be a person I will look at and think...damn...if only a week ago was a month form now.

(or maybe I will enjoy the same look from him...I mean he has been showing those signs...but...then reality steps in and reminds me...he isn't ready for what I want from him.)

Nothing left to prove, baby all we need is just to be. Isnt that the way love is supposed to be? I've either found a great friend from this ... or a boy I will continue to work towards if he gives me the clue I should continue to melt into.