September 21st, 2006

Matt Leffler

36:32 Retreat

Okay so here is the current state of mind. Insert Matt Leffler broken from the failed relationship which he thought was the pivital moment of his life and insert the MSOI and the phathetic event of my current life.

(On the phone)
Matt: Hey you still at mag bar?
MSOI: No I just left
Matt: Ahh..that sucks
MSOI: Where are you?
Matt: I'm at Q but you should ask where I'd rather be and that rhymnes with my original answer. ( for idiots out there I'm at Q rhymnes with I'd rather be with you.
MSOI: Meet me at mag bar?
Matt: See you in 10 minutes

Then matt searches the bar and finds his ride and says ... we are outa here. I find david and apologize and say I love you and I have to go to find him.

You leave Q and you hit the mag bar. You tell Greg, your ride, to look in the other half before you walk in there so he can tell you if he is there. He does. He comes back and says yes he is there. You think. "He came back. I like him. And he came back." So you walk in and greg goes home and you and him play pool and you ... hate suck at pool...but you play pool because you want to start from a common ground. you know you are better off if you meet him on a plateu that he likes. And after the game he asks if you want to play again. It is 3 am. You tell him... we could but I really dont enjoy pool. ( see I came because he was there not for pool, which means I'd be happy basket weaving ) he adds we can play darts and you can beat me. So I say ... I'd rather beat you in darts or go home right now and make out with you. He says ... (hold your breathe everyone ... matt leffler has just minimalized himself in an effort to say what he feels and what he wants and to expose himself to the elements of life which usually hurt all of us but he knows when they dont they make up for it all and accepts that most often at this point people are left burnt with a hand stretched out after more that didnt exist) He says ... I'm not feeling tonight like that. I know I want to go home alone. So you say, I'd say lets play darts, but then that only prolongs the failure of why I am here so I say lets call it a night. You and I walk down the block. we hit 3rd street...hug...and I turn left, you turn right. and so .. that ends the night. But it also symbolically ends more to me.

And ...

This is me now. I'm still Matt Leffler. And when one says yes and the other says no then the first needs to stop asking. I already break that rule with BRENT whom I am now telling people who ask "I used to do things because of him, now I do things inspite of him."

Point being...(reponse in a wierd mythical way)...

I love fall. I love autumn and I love that I have so much emotion and so much want and so many dreams and so many expectations that I am known as always the guy who is (temp) hot in the room. I am always warm. My body just never stops making heat. and this is my season. You see...once a year, I get to move from summer into a time when I can walk down the street with cool crisp air and I can part with a guy and know ... I'll be comfortable tonight in my bed alone. I dont need someone to keep me warm. I dont need to be without someone to stay cool. In fall ... at least temperature wise I am fine just by myself. which brings me back to A-hole Brent who I met in fall and makes me want to say HEY ... you came in when I didnt need or want someone and you took me and you left me after that. I'm sorry. I've dated 9 guys now in the 11 years I've been actively gay and for the first time ONE got to me. ONE seems to define himself as the best and the worst of all I found even 5 months after we last kissed and said I love you. For the first time I gave all I had and for the first time I lost all I gave. BTW ... IF you are a none important aspect of my life and more an occassional aquaintence like JOEY NORRIS ... dont walk up to me and tell me to buy you a drink. I said no. He said ... even after you hit on my boyfriend. I said you dumped him. I isnt your boyfriend. He says ... oh well ... I'm sorry then for what happened between me and Brent. I shrugged that off. Just a stupid boy trying to compare a one month trickaton with an actual relationship.

So that is it. MSOI is no longer a term to me. It will be when someone else shows a trait of that idea ... interest. The old MSOI is special. He is hot. He is cute with his smiles, and he is charming with his conversation BUT he isn't after me and thus cant be for me. So I wish him well. I say that he is a catch and I know he isn't my catch.

So ... here we are again. Alone. A tad pathetic. Mostly longing for what we know we have been made for ... a perfect realtionship. BUT I cant force it. I cant make it. Perfection in my mind is something that takes a bit of luck and preexisting situation, and at this point my situation calls for a retreat.

I am not gonna try for a bit. I dont need to be the heroic guy in everyones life who stands out and says Yes I want you and they say no .. I'm not ready. If I did that right after Brent then he would have the satisfaction of knowing he broke me. But no. BRENT JONES didnt break me. He wounded me. And now ... after seeking with several others what I thought I had with him which he says never existed which means I am not seeking him but I am seeking the perfect idea of my am tired. I am bored. I am too full and ready to WOW someone with the gift I hold of support, compassion, inclussion and love. And ... I'm out! I'm clapping my hands so you can all see as I leave this table that I take no chips I hold no cards I leave it behind and I bask in my season. Fall ... I'm confortable alone. It's cool air surrounds me like a hug and it cools the fire with in me. I'm NOT dating anyone until the soonest winter.

I dated the guy I thought was a god who turned out to be a devil. I dated a guy I thought was strong who turned out to be weak. I kissed a boy who I thought was a man. I moved on and I found apathy. So now ... I hold back for a spell to enjoy a time I enjoy. One of mystery, full moons that I notice behind cool clouds, one of that shows that the hot passion can evolve into the dorminant season and I say...

Goodnight to Love.