October 7th, 2006

Matt Leffler

38:02 I'll be there

So in my fight to make myself feel like a good person I undertook a couple acts of being there for a couple people. Course James's brother committed suicide last week across the yard in the main house. I've talked to him a couple times and when he asked to hangout and get away from what was going on I briefed my friend and suggested we watch something on TV while we hung out that wasnt morbid. Kinda a tall order these days.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this past week. After the second biopsy they determined the second lump they found was not cancer and that the first was stage 1 grade 1 which is the best possible scenario. She goes into the hospital Oct. 18 to have it removed and starts radiation right after that. I explained to my grandmother that I refused to allow her to drive to and from the hospital getting this done alone and that I insisted that she call me any day any time and I'd be there in 30 minutes. She said I was a great person ... I explained you expect great things from great people like her. She then told me a story about how her family in Panama were demanding she get down there for a special dinner they are all throwing her and how they told her she had to get well by March. She was like ... thats the kinda family we are...across continents and across languages we take care of our own. I agreed and so I am looking forward to being there. She is a big lady ... all 98 pounds. But she has found a heavy amount of respect from me.
A friend Joey was tested for spinal meningitous yesturday and apparently as they were drawing out his spinal fluid they hit a nerver and so he is in a lot of pain and cant drive or walk too too well. I signed on tonight and he asked me if I'd go out and get his meds for him, I told him I'd be there in fifteen minutes. Course i went to the wrong drug store originally and then got lost going to the right one but three hours later I had the pain killers and krispy kreme. Now I am home and I feel good about these attempts to show a side of me that I really want to be out there. Course I am still going to work forward on being a volunteer for the aids vaccine. St. Louis University responded to me and directed me to Nashville. So I am looking into them now.
So I am staying in tonight. I stayed in last night also. I do plan to go out tomorrow. I bought a bottle of my favorite wine and additional items at the liquor store. I am not hoping to be a saint, but I am hoping to be a better person.
Matt Leffler

38:03 The J factor

So anyhow the beautiful boy I mentioned that I shared my bed with one night that I wasnt going to pursue text messaged me at 5 am two nights ago ... hmm ... I would have JUMPED on that offer but at that moment Alex was sound asleep in my bed. So last night me and the J factor discussed him coming over and then decided that it would be best to possibly push it off to tomorrow night...thats tonight. It is saturday. I havent been out to the bar since saturday...an unprecedented week for me. We have the plans to mingle through the night and not let on that we have hung out alone and I fully plan to leave alone and then ... if he so wishes he can call. And thats when the saturday night will really begin.
After last weeks fiasco and the weekend before it I am entering the bar in a different mind set. I am going to drink just enough to be buzzing rather than fall on my face drunk...( or at least thats my plan ) and I am dressing conservatively and listening to happy happy go lucky music and seeking to bring the word "humble" back into my vocabulary for my actions. People like calm happy people who are humble. And thats the night I want to have ... plus with the idea of what is to come after I can be free of worrying how I present myself to other boys...no pressure, just enjoyment and be enjoyable to be around.
This of course is a protected message as I dont feel like broadcasting my bedroom schedule too too detailed to people who may be on the schedule. Luckily if your reading this...your free from that cyclone.