October 8th, 2006

Matt Leffler

38:05 I'll keep you close

So anyhow...there has been a lot in my mind lately and no one has risen to the level i wish to to be at with my friendship with with others. No I want it known NO ONE has been there for me. NO ONE. Honestly excpet for Nathan in bowling green, I put so much fooolish faith in Brent and in so many "long" time friends. People who dont understand that I've driven to work crying thinking damnit Matt you have to be strong...no matter the situation. You see...I've learned something. You cant build your world around a boy...he will fail you...and you cant except your friends will be there for you. See realize that you are a different breed than them. You care. You ask. You support and you help hold them up when the tough stuff hits. So honestly if you are my friends who are close .... what would you think if i sang out of tune? Obviously .... you suck. Sorry I really feel I dont lose anything at this point. I get by with a little help of my friends. And at this moment i am testing an idea...I just called my friend of years in Florida....and of course he didnt answer. But point being...I am in all honesty destroyed cause Brent isnt datinf me and my grnadmother has cancer at 80 and even stage one cancer is a battle for a person of that age.
YOU SEE I LOVE THIS WOMAN. SHE IS ALL OF MYT WORLD. SHE COMMANDS WHO I WANT TO BE...IF SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTED ME TO BE THIS WAY OR THAT I'D GIVE IT VERY SERIOUS THOUGHT. MY GRANDMOTHER IS MY CONSCIENCE. SHE TRUMPS EVERY DECISION I HAVE MADE AND SHE TRUMPS EVERY PERSON INCLUDING MY FRIENDS OR LACK LUSTER LOVERS. MY MOTHER ONCE TRIED TO TELL ME TO STOP MAKING FUN OF MY COUSIN AARON AND SHE COULDNT DO IT SO SHE CALLED IN THE BIG GUNS...AND MY 98 POUND 5'6" GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME TO STOP MAKING FUN OF AARON...ON THE PHONE...AND I LOOK AT MY MOM AND THOUGHT...YOU CHEATED YOU PULLED IN THE BIG GUNS. MY GRANDMOTHER. SHE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON I KNOW THAT I CAN NOT WANT TO LOSE. I SWARE!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT CARE WHO I LOSWE IN THIS....I DONT WANT TO LOSE HER. LOSING HER IS MY FEAR TEARING ME APART. GOD...DESTROY MY HOME....TAKE ME SHIT....BUT FUCK WITH MY FAMILY AND I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN. DONT TOUCH A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY. I BLAME NO ONE EXCEPT FOR GOD AND SECRETLY BRENT JONES FOR THIS...PEOPLW WHO ALLOW WHATEVER TO HAPPEN IN LIFE TO ANOTHER. GOD...YOU TOOK THE LOVEOF MY LIFE THIS YEAR IF YOU TKE MY GRAND MOTHER I WILL BE LOOKING TO TAKE YOU DOWN! BRING IT ON. I HAVE SO FEW FRIENDS WORTH CARING A SHIT ABOUT AND I HAVE SO FEW THINGS TO CARE ABOUT AND IF YOU TAKE THE MOSIMPORTANT THING I KNOW I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN. I SWEAR I'VE LOST ENOUGH THIS YEAR...I'VE CRIED ENOUGH THIS YEAR AND GOD IF YOU WANT THE BEST FIGHT A MORTAL CAN MAKE THEN BRING IT THE FUCK ON.....CAUSE I HAVE LOST ALL I THOUGHT WAS LOVE WITH BRENT AND I AM LOSING ALL I THOUGHT WAS FAMILY WITH MY GRNADMOTHER AND IF YOU WANT A FIGHT I WILL FIGHT YOU......BRING IT ON ASSHOLE. YOU SEEM TO BRING NOTHING LESS THAN DISPAIR AND LOSS. BRING IT ON! OR SAVE MY GRANDMOTHER AND I'LL TURN THIS RAGE AND TEARS DRIPPING OFF MY NOSE TO WORSHIP AND PRAISE. YOUR CHOICE.
I HAVE TO KEEP A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE CLOSE AND REALIZE WHAT KEEPS ME STRONG IS MY GRANDMOTHER...AND A FRIEND WILL NOT SAY NEVER CAUSE JUST LIKE WHAT I'D SAY A FRIEND WOULD NOT SAY NEVER. I COUD BE AFRAID OF JOY, BUT I'LL FIND THOSE WHO WILL KEEP ME CLOSE AND IT WONT EVEN SEEM THEY HAVE GONE....CAUSE...I NEED THOSE WHO KNOW THAT FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS FOREVER. I FEEL THE SUNLIGHT HITTING IN THE COLD NIGHT AND ALL THE DREAMS I AM DREAMING ARE LOSING THERE MEANING. BUT ... JUST AS I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU ... SOMEONE WILL BE HERE FOR ME. SHINING A LIGHT ... I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU. COLD AND FRIENDLY FACES ALL I LOOK FOR IS SOMEONE I CAN TRUST AND SOMEONE I CAN TOUCH THIER SHOULDER. I WILL BE THERE NOTHING TO FEAR...WHY CANT I MEET SOMEONE LIKE THAT....? WHY DID I LEARN LEARN THAT FROM MY PARENTS???? TO STAND UP NEXT TO YOUR FRIEND AND TO TELL THEM "I LOVE YOU" I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU...I WILL SHINE A LIGHT FOR YOU. SOMEWHERE IN THE NIGHT...I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU.
ALL HONESTY I THOUGHT BRENT WAS MY HERO. BUT NOW I AM CONFUSED AND LOOKING ALL AROUND. I PRAY THAT SOMEDAY I MEET A GUY THAT LIVES UP TO THE PERSON I THOUGHT I HAD MET IN MY LIFE. I WISH I HAD FOUND THE ONE. I NEED NO ONE BUT HIM. IF LIFE WAS FAIR I'D HAve someone to hug me and say matt ... our god is an awesome god and he reigns from heaven above...and then i'd look at him with eyes of hope. Lets be serious an 80 year old woman has horrible chances with cancer. AND I WANT YOU TPO KNOW IF YOU EVER FUCKING SAID SHE WAS TOO OLD TOO LIVE I'D KICK YOUR SORRY ASS...CAUSE IF SHE EVER TOUCHED YOUR LIFE YOU'D BE A BETTER PERSON. AND THE LACK OF KNOWING MY GRAND MOTHER IS YOUR LOSS....

AND NO COMMENTS NEEDED HERE....CAUSE...JUST AS THE WIND IS MOVING AND I AM A LIFE PAGES WAITING TO BE FILLED AND A HEAD FULL OF DREAms and this becoming is harder than it seems....I will find my place in this world. And I know I dont have much to lean on...a signifacant other
??
he doesnt exist.
??
my friends??
??
worth nothing...
??
my family is all I can find to lean on...my place in this world.

So who do I find my support in?? do I turn to alex, do I turn to corey to I look into Jordan's arms do I seek love in daivd's arms do I expect love in derrick's eye's do I turn to a total stranger do I look at my self righteous ex boyfriend Brent do I turn to my parents.....who do I turn to???

If my grandmother is lost before she losses her battle to see her first great grand child who is in my sister's belly I'll hold them all in contempt. I'll be tired...and I'll be more willling to show love to strangers than to friends AND TO THOSE i KNOW....cause...they are less likely to let me down. God...listen to me.....I cant be let down again...I made it through the flood..I made it through losing the one...I made it throught the wilderness....dont fuck with the rest.
And tonight i listen to M W Smith...and think if my grandmother has cancer i should have HIV. The fortunes of darkness seem to be at hand. Bring it on...if I kill myself in the next month you know what I found out....no one is important in gods eyes....I need to be tested apparently...cause god is calling for the most importsnt people in my life and my life is less important than my friends and less important than my grandmothers. This world needs them and not me.